Finding Love
by MichaelaMike
Summary: Meredith returns to Seattle Grace as a resident. The story follows her struggle through that part of life and some other major life changes. Falling in love with a woman and having a child have clearly not been on her list so far. But life is messy… Pairings: Addison Meredith, Callie George
1. Welcome back

**HELLO!**

This is my first fanfiction and I've given it A LOT of thought. (English is my second language) It will become a long journey and I hope you like to come along. You can also read this story on my blog. There pictures will be included and it's maybe more fun to read. There is also a comment function at the end of each chapter and it would be great to get some reviews.

MY BLOG: **www . michaelawimberger . at / findinglove** (best you type the address into the browser manually. Fanfiction . net doesn't allow links...so I hope you find it.)

ENJOY!**  
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Meredith was walking towards the hospital. Her hospital. Seattle Grace. The place she felt more comfortable than at her home. It felt right to go in there and the thought of returning as a Resident made her heart beat faster. She never thought she would push through the struggle of being an Intern and being "at the end of the surgical food chain" as Dr. Bailey liked to joke. Only it wasn't a joke. They all had been the ones to finish endless stacks of charts, stick fingers into people's asses and try to keep up with the pace of hospital-work. Trying to scrub in on good surgeries, never losing the temper, hiding secret love affairs…

Lost in her thoughts Meredith nearly hit one of the trashcans right next to the main entrance.

"Woha! Mer! What's the matter with YOU?" George had just stepped out of his car. With his brown trousers and his dark brown jacket he looked exactly the same as he did two years ago when he set foot in that hospital for the first time

"Oh, hi….hi George. What…I was…." Brushing a strand of coppery brown hair behind an ear she just stared at him. "Seriously, George. Why do you have to sneak up on me like that?"

"I wasn't sneaking. Just got off the car and…Mer, are you…are you alright?" George grabbed her arm and pulled her away from the trashcan.

"Nah, everything is alright … I think." With a frown and a puzzled look George gazed after her. He had been away visiting his mother and his two brothers and had just come back. He didn't even have time to bring his stuff back to their place, Meredith's place. And Izzie's place of course. Yes, he really enjoyed living with two of his best friends.

"Oh, hi George. You are back! I haven't seen you this morning? Where were you? I've been baking A LOT of blueberry muffins just for you."

With a big grin and some small hops Izzie approached George. He was still staring at the elevator doors where Meredith just disappeared.

Isabelle Stevens, better known as "Izzie", built herself up in front of George. "BUAAH!"

"Oh my god. Izzie. Are you out of your mind? You just gave me a heart-attack." Angry he pushed her away.

"George, wait. WAIT!" With a few great strides she was besides him. "What was that?"

"I'm sorry Izzie. But you just can't assume that everybody is as happy as you are." With these words he turned around and headed towards the stairs. Taking two steps at once he disappeared too.

"But…George…what have I...the elev.." Releasing a deep-drawn sigh she got on it without George's company. Looking at her shoes the familiar "ding" of the elevator brought her mind back to work. Elevators … strange things. Very useful but also big trouble. How many kisses have already happened in this one and how many hearts have been mended and broken? Deep in thoughts Izzie waited for the third "ding" to get off.

"Ah, Dr. Grey. Welcome back."

A big smile on his face Dr. Webber stopped in front of Meredith. Being the chief hasn't always been easy on him and his family but he loved his job and right now he didn't want to be anywhere else. Resting his hand on his chin he quickly glanced over to 's department. Hustling and bustling herself with nurses and charts, Residents and patients she pushed everybody into their right position. Yes, she was one of the main pillars at Seattle Grace. Medical work wouldn't be done that great if it wasn't for her pushy and sometimes even kind of rude behavior.

"Hello chief. Nice to see you again." With a big smile Meredith continued tying up her hair.

"Where are all the others? Karev, Yang.."

"HERE! I am….here." A panting Christina arrived next to them. "That traffic at this time of day. What's on the time table today?" Staring into two startled faces she pulled herself back together. "Hello Meredith. Hello chief….so…what.."

"Christina, I really admire your ambition but.." The chief couldn't finish this sentence either. Izzie, George and Alex came running.

"Hello chief. GREAT to be back. I mean, it's only been four days since our exam but I was SO looking forward to this. You know." Izzie's blabber mouth was at it's best and with a big sigh the chief looked around. His brandnew Residents. Haven't they just been messing up everything as Interns?

"Oh Izzie. Hold your breath." Rolling her eyes Christina stepped next to Meredith. "By the way. What's going on here?"

Meredith just shrugged and with an amused smile she looked at Izzie. Her blonde hair twirling round her face and her cheeks all flushed of excitement. Yes, Izzie. A big heart with a head, arms and legs.

Angry and disappointed Bailey stepped in: "Chief. What's going on there? People are waiting for treatments and what are all the new Interns doing with ME? I am NOT responsible for them anymore."

"Of course you are not. Now, that everybody is here and everybody is QUIETLY listening, may I start?"

"Go ahead." George grinned.

"Thank you, O'Malley. And Karev, that's no reason for punching him. Gosh, am I back in kindergarten?"

Christina stepped between the two men. "Oh just stop it. Now, you were saying?"

"Dr. Webber. I need your help. RIGHT NOW!" Addison Montgomery, neo-natal surgeon and fetal surgeon, came running, carrying a bunch of blood trenched towels. . Her long red hair well hidden under a scrubs-cap she was one of the most talented and also most wanted women in that hospital.

"Geeeeze" Christina stomped her foot on the ground. "What's the matter today?"

"Christina. How can you NOT care about those kind of emergencies." Izzie gave her a cold look.

"You just saw it, Izzie. THAT's how I don't care."

"Chief, I need one of your residents to scrub in with me on a really dangerous OP. NOW!"

Without any words Meredith jumped right next to Addison. "I am in."

"Thank you. Come on. Follow me." Running down the hallway trying not to hit something or somebody they disappeared.

turned back to the others. "As I was saying.."

"You weren't saying anything so far." Alex chuckled. "By the way. Has anybody seen Shepherd so far?"

"Good grief! AS I WAS SAYING, welcome back to Seattle Grace as residents."


	2. Messing up

"You did a good job in there, Dr. Grey. Couldn't have done it without you."

Addison and Meredith were standing next to each other, scrubbing their hands clean.

"Thank you. That poor little baby. I know, as a physician you have to suppress all those feelings. But that was really hard. You know what I mean? I have done a lot of surgeries. I mean, I scrubbed in on most of them, but still…"

She reached out for a towel and continued.

"Operating on such a tiny person. She has her whole life in front of her. Nobody has messed her up so far and everything could be over in a heartbeat. Wow…seriously…that's an incredible feeling and an incredible responsibility."

Addison was surprised by Meredith's little speech. They hadn't talked that much since they had met. This particular moment where all the mess started. She, Addison, still married to Dr. Derek Shepherd met Meredith, the longtime lover of her husband. Traveling back in time all those mixed feelings came back and a little shiver ran up and down her spine. Everything had been a big mess. Adjusting to work seeing both of them constantly was not the easiest of all tasks. In fact, it was one of the hardest.

"Dr. Montgomery?" Meredith looked up.

Absent minded Addison answered: "Ah, yes. Yes, you are right."

They stared into each other's eyes and for some seconds nobody knew what to do or say next. It was hardly bearable for both of them and a more than awkward situation started to build itself up. Addison finally broke the silence.

"Okay. I know we both have our past but let's put that behind us. We are grown ups. So…hello, my name is Dr. Addison Montgomery. You can call me Addison."

With a smile on her face she took one step towards Meredith and reached out her hand. Meredith felt uneasy. How could she just let anything behind her and start at the very beginning? So much had happened and everything should be over that easily? Addison noticed Meredith's uncertainty and lowered her hand. Without any words she turned around and left the room.

Talking to herself she reached the on-call room.

"_You are stupid Addison. Stupid. How can you think that somebody who was hurt that much would want to be nice to you?" _

A quick glance into the room told her that she was alone. With a big sigh Addison let herself fall down onto one of the beds. Staring at the ceiling and deep in thoughts she slowly drifted off to sleep.

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Addison was not the only one who was talking and cursing to herself. Meredith felt awful. Both hands based on the sink she stared through the glass into the OR in front of her.

"What did I do? Why am I that stupid? She offers you her friendship and you don't take it. What's the matter with you Meredith? It wasn't even friendship. She just offered you to act like adults."

Banging a fist against the sink she remained silent and all of a sudden she turned around.

"Not this time Meredith. Not this time." With these words she ran out into the hallway. Adjusting her eyes to the bright light she looked up and down the corridor.

"George, GEORGE!"

George stopped dead in his tracks and turned around.

"I am so sorry Mer. I didn't mean to be rude this morning. I will make it up…" Fear in his eyes he backed off against the wall. What could have he done that terribly wrong?

"Oh, just stop babbling around. I was in thoughts and you didn't do anything wrong. So let's leave it. Did you see Addison? I need her…NOW."

Surprised by this unpredictable reaction he stared into her eyes.

"No…ouch, Meredith. That hurts. You don't have to grab me that tight."

"Sorry George." She withdrew her hands. Rubbing the hurting spots George turned around. "See you Meredith. And again, I didn't mean to…"

"YOU DIDN'T!!!!! Did you see Addison?"

"No, I haven't. Didn't I already tell you?" Getting angry he turned around and walked off.

At that very moment a group of interns came around the corner and George passed by them. In front of them Meredith wouldn't want to make a scene.

"Dr. Meredith Grey? Are you Dr. Grey?" One of the three interns came running towards her. Meredith leaned against the wall and sighed.

"Yes, that's me." She forced a smile on her face.

"Thank god. Dr. Webber told us to look out for you. We are new here and you are our resident. So I guess you have to tell us what to do next."

With excitement in their eyes and at a total loss they were awaiting some orders.

"Ah…yes. My interns." She totally forgot. Making a mental note to search for Addison later she turned to the three of them standing in front of her.

A woman with shoulder long brown hair handed a chart to her.

"Those are our names and everything you have to know. Chief Webber gave it to us."

Going over the chart Meredith slowly looked up and met with Lexi's dark brown eyes. "You are Lexi Grey?"

"Yes, I am." Suppressing the sentence she wanted to add she remained silent.

"Are you related to each other?" The man who had first called after her raised an eyebrow.

"No, we are not." Meredith quickly answered. "And you are?"

"Steven Wentworth."

Pointing at the blonde chubby guy she concluded… "Then you must be Brian Fisher."

Brian nodded.

"Come on, let's follow me. The first really important thing you have to know is: You are scum. You are at the bottom of the surgical food chain and you will do EVERYTHING you are told."


	3. The visitor

Finally! The first day at work was over. It had been everything else than what they had expected. Sitting in the kitchen with George and Izzie felt more right at the moment. A strange change for Meredith who literally used to live at the hospital.

Meredith reached for another blueberry muffin Izzie had piled up on the kitchen table. Yes, Izzie really liked to bake and the more problems she had to deal with the more muffins and cookies and cakes were there to overcome.

"Wow, Iz…those are great." Taking another big bite Meredith finished the muffin. She leaned back in her chair and gazed up to the ceiling. George who was sitting opposite her followed her look.

"Thank's Meredith, I just finished the last batch. Here you go." With these words Izzie put another dozen of muffins onto the pile. She was very surprised to see both of her roommates stare that hard at the ceiling as if there were a Million Dollars nailed to it. She looked up too.

After some seconds of strange staring George was the first to ask: "What are you looking for Mer?" He grabbed another muffin.

No response.

"MEREDITH!" George touched her lightly at her arm.

Slowly Meredith lowered her head, still gazing away into the distance and with a blurry look she slowly started to speak. "Thinking about today…Addison….strange." Shaking her head she realized where she was and to whom she was talking. Looking kind of puzzled she started to explain the previous occurrences to her roommates.

The doorbell interrupted her explanations and Izzie jumped up to get the door. She wasn't really in the mood for listening to Meredith's endless problem-stories and found the ringing as a welcome reason to escape.

"Who is that? It's…." George looked at the clock twice. "It's past midnight."

"Maybe an emergency. I…." She didn't finish the sentence. Derek had just entered the kitchen followed closely by a wild gesturing Izzie.

"Oh, Izzie. Just stop the waving and …whatever you are doing or trying to tell me." Meredith got up and strode by Derek. Giving him the coldest look she could manage.

"Hello Mered…" He turned around to stop her. It was to late. He could only hear her stomping and then the bang of her bedroom door.

Turning around to Izzie he opened his mouth just to close it again. Who was he kidding? They won't understand why Meredith said no as he asked her to be with him. They also won't understand why he, Derek, hadn't said yes in the first place. Their relationship had gone back and forth. They had had great times and great sex and they had horrible times and no sex.

"Derek, I mean, Dr. Shepherd. What are you doing here that late at night?" George tried to involve him into a normal conversation to find out more about his intentions.

"Thank's for asking O'Malley. But that's none of your business."

With these words he left the kitchen. Not to leave the house but to climb up the stairs to talk to Meredith. He just HAD to. He wanted her. No, he needed her. Not just that. He needed her more than anything else in the world. The love he felt for her was strong and he had no doubts about it.

"Derek…..I mean, Dr….oh, whatever." Izzie shouted out. "Oh come on George. We have to help her. Don't you remember the talk we had? How she told us she never wanted to see him again?"

George just gazed round the corner. He was gone. "Too late, Izzy. Maybe it's the best if they have a chance to talk."

"ONE chance? They had millions and millions of chances so far and none of them managed to make it work. Maybe it's the best. Seeing Meredith heartbroken and in love and the other way round. It's just hard to keep supportive. You know George, sometimes I just wish….."

George didn't hear what Izzie wished. He had fallen asleep the second she had begun talking.

Standing at the head of the stairs Derek wasn't sure if he had made the right decision. Slowly he aimed for Meredith's bedroom door.

-------------------------------------

Meredith was sitting at her bed. The room was dark and she could hear her own breathing unnatural loud.

"_Yes, you made the right decision. You weren't truly happy. All the struggle...fighting for his love...not being sure if there were feelings for him…a constant game of hide and seek. No, it just HAS to be over." _

Deep in thoughts the knock on the door sounded like a deafening crash. Jumping off the bed not knowing what to do she just stood there in the darkness.

"_What if it's him? What am I gonna do?"_

Her mind went crazy and within one second she mentally panicked. Another knock on the door made her shiver.

Staring as hard at the door as if there was standing a ghost she tried to calm down herself.

"_It's JUST Derek. You can hear him out. You can do this, Meredith." _

"Meredith? Are you in there?" Derek's voice came through the closed door. He pushed down the door handle and stepped into the dark room. His eyes needed some time to adjust to the darkness. After some seconds of staring into the room he saw her. Standing next to her bed like a statue she stared at him. Not angry, not sad … empty.


	4. The talk

"Derek. What are you doing here? We already had "_the_" talk. Us..." she pointed from him to her "…is never gonna happen."

Meredith had gathered herself again. What was he thinking to come back? Wasn't it enough they had to see each other every day at the hospital?

"Please. Just hear me out. I came back to tell you that I still have feelings for you and that I won't give up on us if you give us a last chance. I won't mess it up. Promise! I never had that feeling of being complete, of feeling really "in the right place" before I met you. You gave and give me everything I've ever dreamed of."

He approached her and when she didn't step back he sat down on the bed. Meredith sat down next to him and for some minutes there was nothing but darkness and silence. Silent darkness and dark silence.

"Derek…I.."

Meredith was fighting for the right words.

"Derek. You don't know how great this would have been to hear half a year ago. Things happened. Things you can't deny, you can't pretend they didn't exist. Addison returning, you lying to me..no..not even telling me about her."

Meredith was surprised by her own calmness. She had never thought that she could be that centered whilst talking to Derek. But there she was. Acting like an adult. Lying back, arms behind her head she stared at the dark ceiling. He watched her but didn't move.

"You know. We got together and everything was all fluffy and great and new and…pink. But I missed the feeling you just described. I missed to be able to relax and to be honest with you all the time. I missed the naturalness. There had always been that tension…."

Derek interrupted her. "Meredith…what are you saying? Are you telling me that you've never ever really been in love with me?"

"What's love, Derek? I've been in some relationships so far and I've never felt like the world stopped spinning so far. Like everything has finally fallen into place. Maybe it's a dream world but I won't give up on it that quickly. Not for something that's already been THAT messed up from the beginning. I am sorry…but that's just how I feel and have been feeling for a really long time now."

Derek didn't know what to answer. He stared at her figure in the darkness. Without any words he climbed next to her.

"What are you doing? It's over Derek. Please, don't make me get angry again. I really like you. You are a great guy but ….us…no…it won't work out. I've been having feel…."

She broke off the sentence.

"You are in love with another guy?" Derek couldn't believe what he had just heard.

"No. I didn't say anything about that."

Meredith tried to stay calm. She had gone too far. Why? WHY in god's name did she have to say that sentence? She hadn't even been sure for herself and now she started talking to Derek about her love life? A whole new world lay in front of her and everything was new and exciting. And she found no better person than Derek?

"_Meredith, what's wrong with you!"_ She ranted in her mind.

"No, Derek…."

Derek jumped out of the bed.

"I knew I wasn't the only reason to break up. But thank you for telling me. Now I know what's going on and I will make sure you won't have to deal with me except in surgery. In fact, I will make it really easy for you. You don't even have to talk to me. You don't have to be the one scrubbing in on my surgeries. I am over you and I can pull some handles to make sure everything is perfect for you and your little "perfect world" dream."

With these words he stomped out of the room.

Izzie and George who were still standing in the hallway were chatting about a picture. It had caused a lot of quarrels so far.

"I tell you. It's just crap. I could paint it…" George stopped talking. An angry Derek was running towards them.

"Are you already leaving?" Izzie tried to be nice but it was a dead loss. Derek didn't even recognize them. He went out the front door and clashed it.

"What the hell did happen in there? I didn't even hear them fight." George tiptoed towards Merdith's bedroom door and pressed an ear against it.

"Oh, come on George. Make some room for me too." Both of them were pressing their ears against the door hearing exactly nothing.

"What are we listening for? I mean, she is alone in there and…" George turned to Izzy who shook her head.

"Just for the sake of spying." She giggled.

"Guys, I can hear you. The doors are not soundproof around here. Just leave me alone."

Izzie and George didn't know what to do. They just remained silent at the same spot for another five minutes. Nothing. Meredith didn't come out and neither of them had the courage to go in. Finally George turned around.

"Good night Izzie. Tomorrow is another long work day. I have to get some sleep."

"Night, George. I think I'll stay with Meredith." With these words she quietly pushed down the door handle and stepped into the dark room.

"Didn't I tell you to leave me alone?" Meredith's thick and teary voice came over from the bed.

"I know. But…every time you've said that so far you didn't really mean it. And…here I am. A good friend has to stick with his friends. You know…"

With these words she sat down next to Meredith.

"I messed up everythin. Everything. I ended the relationship."

Izzie interrupted her. "But, isn't that exactly what you wanted?"

"Yes, but I also told him that I have been having feelings lately and he didn't really take it well and now I am scared he will gossip and…"

"There is another man in your life? How come I didn't…"

"Izzie, please, focus."

"I am sorry. Go on." She brushed a strand of Meredith's hair out of her face.

"There is not much more to the story. He got furious and stomped out."

Izzie didn't know what to say or think so she just laid down next to Meredith. Both went to sleep rather quickly.


	5. Crash Boom Bang

"Add…Dr. Montgomery! Please, wait." At the sound of Meredith's voice Addison turned around.

"Yes, Dr. Grey?"

"Sorry to bother you but … " Meredith didn't know how to put it. "…but…but….yesterday…I didn't want to be rude or something. Seriously! I was kind of shocked and.."

Addison couldn't hide her surprise and her face light up a little. Not sure what's still to come she stayed rather cool.

"Please make it quick. I have a very important meeting in about 15 minutes. What about yesterday?"

Meredith looked down at Addison's hands. There was no wedding ring. Some weeks ago she had still worn it.

"Meredith? I mean…Dr. Grey. I don't have much time. You were saying?" Addison started to feel uncomfortable.

"What I wanted to say is…concerning yesterday. I am sorry for reacting that coldly. I don't hate you. I mean…I hated you..but…that's not the point."

Turning red she stared into Addison's blue eyes.

"_Did she always have such beautiful eyes?"_ Meredith was in thoughts again.

"And…so?" Addison felt more and more uneasy and Meredith staring directly into her eyes didn't improve the situation.

"Do you have time tonight to have a drink?" Meredith was shocked by her own words. Did she just say that?

"What? You want to have a drink with me? Are you sure you wanted to talk to ME?"

"Yes, to talk some things over. Derek and I broke up and …not that you think that's the reason to talk to you..no…but…I just want to set some things right. If that's okay with you."

Meredith felt ill. What did she do? Was she crazy? Was she out of her mind?

"Okay…I have a free night. Where?"

"Let's say at Joe's?" It was the only bar that came to her mind but the same second she started talking another one popped into it.

"No, better. Let's go to the Italian restaurant next to my house. There won't be anybody we know."

With a big smile she reached for Addison's hand.

"MOVE people. MOVE!!!!!"

Christina and Alex came running towards them with a gurney and just in time Addison pushed Meredith out of the way, crashing against her. Pressed against the wall Meredith stared into two deep blue eyes. She stopped breathing and for some seconds she just felt okay. Surprisingly okay.

Addison backed off.

"I am so sorry but…" She straightened out her pink scrubs. "They nearly hit us. Are you alright? I have to run. I am already late for the meeting."

"I am fine…I think. Let's say seven?"

"Fine with me."

Meredith slowly turned around, picked up the chart she let fall before and made her way to the locker room. She just wanted to push open the door when Brian and Lexi came running.

"Dr. Grey. We need your help." Breathing hard both interns stopped right in front of Meredith who wasn't really delighted by the interruption. But who was she kidding. It was her job and so there won't be no more time to just hang around in the locker room.

"What is it?"

"There is that girl in room 5609. We already searched every medical book for her signs but NOTHING. We don't know what she caught and she is getting worse and worse. Please…." Lexi's big brown eyes were full of fear and Brian wasn't that calm either.

"Let's see. Come on."

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"Uuuuuh, what are you dressing up for. Really fancy."

Izzie peeked into the bathroom. Meredith stood in front of the mirror clad in a long black skirt and a white blouse. Her hair was still wet but she already looked beautiful. At Izzie's words she jumped.

"Ah, my god, Izzie. How long have you been staring at me like this. Gosh….people need privacy. Don't you get it? I know…you don't need it because..bla bla bla..but please let me have mine, okay?"

"Wow…Mer, what are you up to?" George appeared behind Izzie. With a whistle he looked her up and down. "Did Derek and you make up again?"

"Out, out, out people. What's the matter with you?" With these words she slammed the door right in front of their noses. "And stay out."

"She definitely is in love." Izzie giggled to George.

"IZZIE!!!!. Gosh, those doors are not soundproof. So if you want to gossip about me…please make sure I don't hear it."

Again Meredith stood in front of the mirror. Was it too much? She was just having dinner with Addison. Her thoughts drifted off. She saw herself shaking hands with her, sitting down…

"Stop it Meredith. What's the matter with you?" She continued doing her hair and her mind drifted off again. Her thoughts wandered back to the incident in the hospital. Squeezed in between Addison and the wall she hadn't felt uncomfortable. It had been…different...exciting.

"How can squashed against a wall be exciting? I really have to stop that."

Getting angry she put on some make up. Reliving the feeling of Addison's body against hers. The warmth and softness had felt good. It was new for her. A complete new feeling and she wanted more.

"MEREDITH!" She shouted out and shocked by her loud outcry she covered her mouth with both hands. _"I make a complete fool out of myself."  
_

"Mer…are you okay?" George came running down the corridor. He had heard her scream out.

"Yes, I am. I just…" Looking left and right to find an excuse her view fell at one of George's razors. "I just cut myself with a razor." Exhaling she leaned against the shower wall.

"Oh…yeah. Okay." Confused George went back downstairs.

"What's the matter with Meredith?" Izzie asked him the second he entered the kitchen.

"I really don't know. She just cut herself with a razor. But ..honestly. Since when do you shave after getting dressed? I don't get women. No..I just don't get them." Taking a blueberry muffin from the kitchen counter he disappeared in his room.


	6. Dinner

It was seven o'clock and Meredith had been waiting for about half an hour in front of the Italian restaurant. Again she checked her watch.

"One minute to seven. I hope she really knows which restaurant I was talking about."

Striding back and forth in front of the entrance she started to calm herself down.

"She will be here on time…I guess. Damn it. Meredith, what's the matter with you? It's just dinner. Not even with a close friend. Why are you..."

She couldn't finish her thought because at that very moment Addison came up to her.

"Hello Dr. Grey. Sorry for being late." She checked her watch. The pointers showed two minutes past seven. "Okay, maybe I am not THAT late." Adding smile she shook Meredith's hand.

"Hello." Returning the smile they both stepped into the restaurant, which was surprisingly crowded. Nearly every desk was taken and many waiters were hustling from table to table.

"Wow…I didn't expect that. I haven't been in here for quite a while. We are always hanging around at Joe's."

Looking at Addison she immediately stopped talking. She had just given her the same puzzled look like two days ago in the hospital. To distract the situation Meredith turned to a waiter standing right next to her.

"Excuse me, Sir. We would need a table for two." She held up two fingers which made Addison giggle.

"I think he knows what 'two' means." She hadn't said a word so far and was amused by Meredith's kind of weird behaviour.

"Sure Madam. Please follow me."

Meredith wanted to give an answer to Addison's little joke but had no time. The waiter already made his way through the crowded restaurant and the two women had to try hard to keep up with him. Seated at a table in the last corner of the restaurant Meredith finally started to relax. Leaning back in the comfortable chair she studied Addison. She had never recognised the different shades of red, orange and brown in her hair and hadn't seen the green mixed into the blue of her eyes.

"Dr. Grey. I think it's time to become more personal. Please call me by my first name." Addison underlined her words with a friendly smile.

"Yes, of course. Thank you. I am Meredith."

"Uhm...are you…alright? I know your name by heart. You seem awfully distracted. Am I making you feeling uncomfortable in any way?"

Meredith felt the hotness creeping up inside of her. She stared at Addison and shook her head. "No, no, everything is fine. I think I just have to get used to the thought that we used to hate each other."

Addison nodded approvingly and both dived into the menu card.

Addison didn't know how to take the situation. The woman sitting opposite her was known as a tough lady who knew her business by heart and also knew exactly what she wanted. Right now she didn't resemble that picture at all.

About half an hour had gone by and so far the evening hadn't been at all what Meredith had expected. It was hard to start a conversation and so the served food was a welcome invitation to remain silent. It was Addison who started to ask THE question.

"What about you and Derek? You said you wanted to talk to me. I mean, he is my ex-husband. Why do you want to talk to me about him?" She finished her chicken salad, leant back and stared at Meredith. Addison was getting angry and annoyed and wanted to know what everything was about.

"I…it's hard for me to start." Meredith put down the cutlery. She based her elbows at the desk to rest her head in her hands.

"I won't get mad or anything…if it's that. I mean, if you are afraid of me or so." Addison was at a loss.

"No, no..I am not. I am not. See…I broke up with Derek. We are over each other." She looked up and saw the frowned eyebrow.

"Please don't get me wrong. I am not here to just tell you that it's over. To be honest...I don't really know why I asked you out. Two days ago when we were standing next to each and you offered me your friendship."

Addison interrupted her. "It wasn't meant to be taken as an offer of friendship…..but…..I…go on. It's a relieve you finally decided to start talking."

Slightly taken aback Meredith wasn't sure how to continue. _"Just be honest to her" _

"You know what I mean. At first I wanted to tell you that I am sorry how everything went with Derek, you and me. If I had known about you I wouldn't even have considered sleeping with him. And then you showed up and I was mad. REALLY mad..but…that's not the point, I guess. The point is I don't hate you but I hated myself when I didn't take your hand. I tried to find you but that day it seemed that everything had been against me. That day I was really mad at myself and you were so nice to me."

With every word that came out of her mouth Meredith felt more and more secure. In fact, it was so easy to talk. She had never known that she was that kind of person. She had heard from her friends that there were times when they were talking through the whole night not even knowing what time it was. But she had never thought that she could feel the same way. And here she was. Sitting opposite her once biggest enemy and talking about her private life. Something anybody who knew Meredith would be surprised by. Looking up she saw the smile on Addison's face.

Addison was surprised by Meredith's outburst and listened carefully to her. The more Meredith unfolded herself in front of her the more she started to feel okay with the situation.

"I was mad at myself that day too. I thought I had been too straight forward and I so wanted to set things right."

Smiling at each other they ordered another drink and the evening got a great turn. Chatting and laughing they shared their past and their feelings concerning Derek.

"I never really felt secure with him." Addison admitted.

"Me neither." giggle Meredith.

"Wow...look at the time. It's already past twelve. I really have to leave now. My shift starts at six and I hadn't been sleeping that much within the last few days." 

Meredith's smile vanished. "I have my day off tomorrow."

"Thank you for that fun evening, Meredith. I guess we are no longer enemies then?"

Hugging goodbye both of them made their ways home into different directions.

Meredith felt strange. She hadn't felt that free in a long time. In fact, she had never felt like this before in her entire life. What did Addison do to her?

Addison was deep in thoughts too. _"Meredith is nice. You can't deny that fact, and the fact that you had a lot of fun you can't deny either."_ She felt relieved.


	7. Many questions

_**NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR **_

_Thank you so much for all the feedback I've gotten so far. I enjoy writing the story. It has been growing in my imagination for some time now and I'm really glad some of you like the Addison/Meredith turn. There's much more to come. So please read, enjoy and review!_

_Ah…forgot to mention that my focus is on the people's stories and not the work in the hospital. _

* * *

Meredith's cell phone rang again and Derek's name and picture appeared on the small screen. He had called her 27 times since they had broken up. Annoyed she stared at the ringing and vibrating phone in front of her.

"Oh please!! Just answer it." Enervated Izzie turned around to give Meredith a cold look.

"Izzie, you know that I don't wanna talk to him." She snapped back. "Is there some coffee left?"

Without saying a word Izzie filled a cup and placed it at the kitchen counter in front of Meredith. "Here you go. You wanna have a muffin too?"

Izzie decided that it would be the best to drop the topic "Derek".

"No thanks. I already had enough." She smiled at Izzie and took a sip of the hot coffee. "Mmmh, you make the best coffee in the world. Seriously, I haven't had a better one so far."

She smiled at Izzie who was still wearing her red and blue checked pyjamas. It was a rare thing that both of them had their day off at the same time and an even rarer thing that they actually found time to have breakfast together. Meredith took another sip and her mind wandered back to the evening with Addison. Wouldn't it be great to become friends with her? The talking had been easy and she could need a friend to talk to. At those thoughts the warm and fuzzy feeling returned to her stomach and a smile crept over her face which didn't go unnoticed by Izzie.

"What are you thinking about? I haven't seen you smile that bright for….I don't know. Have I even seen you smile that way?" Izzie took Meredith's hand and pulled her up. "Come on, let's have some girl talk. I'll bring the muffins and cookies and you … you." Not knowing what Meredith could do she decided: "…you can make yourself comfortable on my bed."

"Izzie, what are you doing. NO, I don't wanna have some girl talk. I don't even know what that means…and by the way. I have nothing I would want to talk to you about." She shook Izzie's hand lose and sat back down on the chair. But it wouldn't be for Izzie's joy and excitement that she wouldn't get Meredith to talk to her.

In the end Meredith sat grumpy on Izzie's bed and Izzie, beaming and full of anticipation, slumped onto it right next to her.

"Come on Mer. Where did you go last night and with whom?" She stared into Meredith's eyes as if she wanted to hypnotize her.

"Izzie, I was only talking to a friend of mine. What's the matter with you?" Meredith felt uncomfortable.

"Me and George were just wondering because you dressed up really fancy and…"

"Shut up Izzie. That's none of your business." Furious Meredith stormed out of the bedroom.

Izzie was devastated. She had hardly ever seen her acting like this before. Staring out of the window into the bright autumn sun she let her mind wander. To Derek who was heartbroken to have lost Meredith and to the hospital and all the interns she had to keep up with. And with them one thought returned again and again: Lexie.

"_Maybe Meredith had met with her to get to know her better? Over all they have the same last name. Maybe they are related? Come on, Izzie. Where are the chances?_

Her thoughts returned to Derek.

"_What if she iss still in love with him they have met? No, that was a silly thought. But all those mood swings? Maybe she is pregnant? Oooor…… "_

Izzie let out a deep drawn sigh. Meredith was a total mystery to her right now. Slowly she got up and opened a window. It had become chilly outside. Wrapping her arms around herself she stared at the falling leaves.

"I wonder if there will be any snow this year."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meredith didn't know why the meeting with Addison had to be a secret. It just had to.

She was standing in the corridor, staring at George's "I-could-paint-it" picture. Looking at some orange spots drawn on a kind of brownish background her thoughts wandered to Addison. She saw her long hair in front of her and tried to relive that incredible feeling she experienced being pressed against her body. Meredith shook her head like she wanted to shake off all her imaginations and thoughts. Of course that didn't work and the pictures continued swirling in bright colors through her head. With a sigh and a feeling of desperation she let herself glide down the wall onto the floor.

"What am I doing? It's like I…"

She couldn't finish the sentence. Not even in her mind. The doctor in her awoke and step-by-step she went over the happenings concerning Addison. And with every situation she was reliving the more and more Meredith started to panic.

"No, I cannot be in …"

It was too hard to finish. Despite that, she jumped up and started to run. She had been pacing through the neighborhood for about half an hour when she finally stopped in the middle of a park. Leaning against an old oak tree she tried to calm down. Her cheeks were all flushed and her eyes full of fear. Some children were playing at the swings in front of her. Staring at them she started talking to herself.

"NO. I am not. I can't be. In fact. I really enjoy having sex with men."

She paused.

"It's about love. Not about sex."

Meredith got furious with herself.

"Seriously. What's wrong with me? So, it's about love. Am I? Am I … in love…with Addison?"

She hit her fist hard against the cold ground and tears flooded her eyes.

"Isn't my life already messed up enough?"

There had to be an explanation. Frantically she tried to focus on the past few months. Derek hadn't been truthful to her and the break-up-sex hadn't been fulfilling either.

"Sure, I felt alone. And Addison was the first person I could trust."

Meredith got up and started to walk. It had become colder and with all the mess inside of her she in addition didn't want to become sick.

"But on the other hand…wait…no, I have Izzie. I trust her. A LOT. And Christina. Okay, she's a weirdo but once you get to know her better she's really okay. So what the hell is wrong with me?"

She went by some store windows. Absent-minded she stared into each of them, not even recognizing what she was looking at.

"NO! Seriously!! You HAVE to be kidding me!"

Right in front of her were two women. Holding hands. Kissing. She stopped dead and just stared at them. Her mouth wide open and her heart rate started to speed up.

"What are YOU looking at? Do we know each other?" They had recognized her.

Meredith couldn't talk. She couldn't move. She just continued staring. The two women gave her a contemptuous look and still holding hands they walked away.

Meredith felt awful but at that very moment there was just wish inside of her: Touching Addison.

Confused and frightened she continued her walk home. She couldn't wait to see Addison again.


	8. Messy lives

"Grey, Wentworth, Fisher.." Meredith stood in the locker room. Messy as always she just piled her things into her locker and slammed the door shut. She had just exchanged her normal clothes with the blue scrubs and was now trying to remember the names of her interns. Deep in thoughts she didn't recognize Lexie who had entered the room some seconds after her.

"Good morning, Dr. Grey."

A big smile on her face Lexie went over to Meredith, leaning against a locker right next to her.

"I was wondering: Do you know if we are related? Isn't that a coincidence? The same name and the same passion."

Meredith wasn't at all in the mood to talk about her family. In fact, she was never in the mood for that and definitely not to talk it over with a complete stranger. Lexie didn't seem to bother that Meredith remained silent and continued her chatting.

"You know. My stepmother happened to be a very famous surgeon. Maybe you have heard about her. Ellis Grey. I've never actually met her but I…"

"Stop it! Right now!" Meredith barked at her half-sister. Great! The one thing she didn't need right now. Another person she had to deal with just because she called herself "family".

"Come on. There is a lot of work waiting for you. And just because we have the same name doesn't mean we have to get along. And, yes, I happened to know my so called 'mother'."

Lexie was shocked. Thousand questions popped into her mind but she didn't have the courage to start to talk again.

"So...that means…you are my half-sister? Wow!"

She didn't mean to speak out audibly. But it was too late. Meredith had already grabbed her chart and had left the room.

-------------------------------------

"My goodness, George. Where've you been? One time I really need you and right then you are not at home. Something is wrong with Meredith. I don't…"

"Stop it Izzie."

George placed his dinner tray right next to hers.

"I guess this seat isn't taken?"

Ignoring Izzie's furious outburst he sat down.

"George, what's going on with you? I mean, aren't you worried?"

"No, Izzie, I am NOT worried about Meredith. I have tons of other staff to worry about. My marriage isn't the best as you know and Callie isn't helping in any way. She is just complaining about not getting pregnant fast enough and it just pisses me off that she is getting jealous that easy. So, NO, I don't really care right now."

Angry he started to shovel food into his mouth. Izzie was taken by surprise by this unexpected outburst and didn't know what to say.

"Sorry George. But, don't you think it's kind of weird that you are still living with us despite you are married?"

"Don't get me started on the living situation. I am aware of that problem too. You just have to stop digging in other's people's lives. There is enough dirt in your own. Am I right? "

Sick of the conversation he grabbed his tray and left the table. Izzie didn't even have time to answer. With a sigh and total confused she started to eat.

"_Yeah, maybe I am digging in other's people's lives. What's wrong with caring?" _

Frustrated she finished her dinner.

"Hey!" Christina sat down where George had just left.

"I could kill that Hahn woman. She is torturing me. I belong in the OR. I belong to heart surgery. And she? What is she doing? She is favoring some stupid intern because I made a mistake. ONE tiny mistake. Burke and I owned the OR in that field and now she comes and everything changes? Tells me that I need to focus on another special field."

Rambling on and on Christina didn't realize that Izzie wasn't paying attention. In fact, Izzie hadn't even recognized her.

"I am right, am I? Sure, I am."

Getting no answer Christina looked closer at Izzie.

"What's wrong with you? Did Montgomery tell you that you are no longer in neo-natal care? That hospital is really going down the drain..."

Still not talking Izzie just stared at Christina. Since when had she been here?

"Sorry…I didn't really listen. What did you just say?" she gathered herself and tried to send a fake smile over the table.

"Oh, who am I kidding?"

Grumpy and moody Izzie left without another word, leaving back a confused Christina.

-------------------------------------

"Here is your seat. If you need something just press the button over there."

The stewardess pointed at a green button that was embedded in the armrest of the seat.

"Thank you. Just one question: When will we arrive at the Santa Monica Airport?"

The stewardess smiled friendly and showed her a screen with all the information.

"You can check on the time that is still left every time you want. Have a nice flight."

Addison tried to relax but she was too nervous. The airplane had just taken off and staring out of the window the houses beneath her became smaller and smaller till they were not visible at all.

She was on her way to her best friend Naomi, a fertility specialist. Addison didn't want to wait any longer. She had already been waiting too long and she was desperate to have a child.

Trying to calm herself down she again went over her plan in her mind.

"_It's the right time. I will do all the tests needed. I WILL find a perfect sperm donor and I WILL get pregnant. Okay, I have no man but who says that there has to be one? Maybe I am better off without one. I can do this. Two weeks from now and I already might be pregnant." _

At that thought a smile crept over her face and she leant back in her seat.

Dr. Webber was the only one who knew about her intentions and he had given his permission to leave work for the needed time. They had come to the agreement not to tell anybody in case it didn't work out for Addison.

"I will manage the rest."

The chief's words were still ringing in her ears and Addison felt okay with herself and the rest of the world. She couldn't wait to get off the plane to take action.

-------------------------------------

Meredith had found him. After asking nearly every person she had met within the last 10 minutes he stood right in front of her.

"Finally. Dr. Webber. Do you have a minute?"

"Yes, sure." The chief smiled at her and gave her a sign to sit down at the chairs right next to the coffee vending machine.

"Thank you."

It took her some seconds to form the words in her head.

"Do you, by any chance, know where Dr. Montgomery is today? I have been looking for her all over the place. I…."

She couldn't think of a plausible reason why she had been looking for Addison.

"_Think faster."_ She forced herself but the chief had already asked THE question.

"What did happen? Does somebody need her in the OR?" His eyes widened and a bit frightened he stared at Meredith. There was no person as qualified and talented as Addison Montgomery and a high risk emergency wouldn't be the best right now.

"No. I mean….No. It's nothing serious. I was just wondering because...the …the little baby girl we operated on some days ago. How is she?"

"_That's the dumbest reason ever."_ Meredith ranted over herself.

Confused the chief continued staring at her. "Why don't you just ask at the newborn station?"

"Ah…yes. Sure. I….thank you." Insecure Meredith got up.

Surprised by Meredith's uncharacteristic behavior and being in a personal dilemma he decided to tell her some made-up reason.

"She…she won't be around for about two weeks. Some terrible cold, I guess."

Meredith's smile vanished and a piercing pain shot through her heart. Two weeks? He can't be serious.


	9. Cell phones

The water was running down her body. The world outside had vanished and time seemed to stand still. The tears that streamed down her face mixed with the water and everything was washed away without even really having existed.

Again Addison grabbed the shampoo bottle. It was the third time but she felt like she could never ever be clean again. Within the one week she had been in Santa Monica her hopes had been high. Till that moment when Naomi had told her the truth. Till that very moment everything had been bright and shiny and joyful.

"You are infertile."

Naomi's words were going round and round in circles in her head. At first she couldn't believe it. She had insisted on repeating the tests but as her best friend, Naomi of course had already done all the tests twice. There were no doubts to it. Without even saying goodbye or talking over the outcome she had left the fertility clinic.

Three hours had gone by and Addison was devastated. With every minute that went by the shocking news started to soak into her head and her heart. It hurt like pouring sanitizer into an open wound.

"Noooo!" With blank despair she glided down the shower walls. The water was still running over her body and she, for the first time in her life, felt alone.

She had never experienced such a feeling and frightened it started to dawn her.

"_I have no one. My family...gone. My relationship…who am I kidding? My friends? Do I have friends?"_

Turning off the water Addison started to shiver. She grabbed a towel and stepped out of the shower. Full of desperation she paced up and down in her hotel room. She needed somebody to talk to, right now. Going through the list of addresses in her cell she contemplated who she could talk to. Derek appeared on the screen. No, definitely not. Mark…no. Meredith. She stopped scrolling. Meredith.

"_That's silly, Addison. You hardly know her and just one good evening doesn't make you her good friend."_

Derek had once saved it for her in case she needed proof where he was. Thinking back that was the silliest idea he could possibly have. But maybe it was faith. Maybe the number was meant to be in her list. Again she stared at the name in front of her.

-------------------------------------

At the same time at Seattle Grace Meredith was eating dinner.

"I can't take it anymore."

She swallowed hard at the thought of Addison. Since she had met with Dr. Webber one week ago her whole world had been turned upside down. She couldn't stop thinking about Addison and not seeing her started to hurt more and more.

At first she nearly had gone crazy but with every day that had been passing by she had felt more and more okay with her feelings. Even if she weren't okay with them they would still be there.

Leaning back in her chair she gazed at Lexie who was sitting two tables away. She hadn't talked to her since the locker incident and felt kind of sorry. But at the same time she had to admit that it wasn't the right time to dive into the topic 'family'.

Her thoughts drifted back to Addison. She definitely had to get in touch with her. Meredith had already thought about visiting her or writing her a 'Get well soon!' card. _"It just wouldn't be the right thing to do."_ had been the answer to all of her considerations.

She finished her dinner to get back to work. Work was the only thing that forced her to focus on other things than Addison.

Back in the locker room she grabbed her chart and took a peek at her mobile. '1 caller in absence'

"Great. Finally somebody decides to use my number and then I am not there to answer."

Looking at the unknown number she cleared the screen and put it back.

She walked over to the mirror, based her hands on the sink beneath it and stared into her own eyes. Slowly her view wandered to her hair. She had always liked it. Could Addison like it too? Deep in thoughts she brushed a strand out of her face. Her eyes wandered back to her eyes and her mouth. Could Addison like kissing it? At that thought she pulled back from the mirror.

"_Addison is into men. Totally. And I am too. At least, I used to be. It would be the best to try to get over her. Where are the chances to end up together?" _

Her thoughts started to frighten her and remaining silent for some seconds she welcomed the opening door. Turning around Steven's head appeared in the crack of the door.

"Here you are. I have orders from Dr. Bailey. She needs you in OR 3 in five minutes."

"Thank you. But why didn't she page me?" She took a quick glance at her pager. "Okay…she did. I must have overheard it."

Steven watched her getting ready. He didn't know what to answer.

"Wentworth?"

He had been about to leave and turned back again. "Yes?"

"Did…did Dr. Bailey tell you why she needed me?" Meredith tried to stay calm.

"No, she just said: Find Dr. Grey. NOW! And I asked her which one as long as Lexie has the same last name. Anyway, she said she needed you."

"Thanks."

While hurrying down to OR3 thousands of thoughts were running through her head. Had she forgotten something? Did somebody recognize her absent-mindedness? So far work had been everything to her and maybe…

Meredith couldn't finish the thought.

"Grey. For heaven's sake. What's the matter with you?" Bailey was standing in the OR. Alone. No patient, no nurses.

Meredith remained silent. She just stared at Bailey.

"We had an appointment today and you missed it. You were on the OR board and you missed it too. Nobody could find you. What's happening with you, Meredith?"

Bailey made a step towards her.

"_Okay, she is using my first name. That's not bad." _

Meredith's insides started to squirm. "I…totally forgot." She gulped. "I am so sorry. It won't happen again. I swear."

Her eyes full of fear she continued staring at Bailey who was now standing right in front of her.

"I've never seen you like this before. Are you sure you are alright? We can be happy that your actions didn't harm anybody but still.."

"I know. It's not okay…I know. Maybe I have to get used to the fact that I am in charge of three interns who.."

"I had to be in charge of eight of you fools." Bailey interrupted her.

The tension inside of Meredith had been growing within the last few days and it had become nearly unbearable. Right now she had the feeling to burst. To collapse. To run. To hide. Everything else but not being at work.

"You have to keep up with your work or you will be no longer in charge of interns and no longer an attending the hospital is proud of. There are many people out there who would give everything to take your job and your responsibility."


	10. Moving forward

"So…you are sure about your decision?" Naomi asked for the third time.

"Yes, I am. I am totally sure."

Addison got up from her comfortable leather chair and walked to the window. Outside Naomi's office the sun was shining and further afar she could see the glittering surface of the ocean. The decision hadn't been easy for her because the offer had been more than tempting.

Still gazing out of the window Addison started to speak in a soft tone.

"Do you remember the times we used to hang out together and just have fun? Those long nights of talking and laughing? And do you remember when we both imagined and planned our 'perfect family'?"

Addison turned around. Tears glistening in her eyes she looked to Naomi who had just gotten up. With a smile on her face she walked over to the window.

"Sure I remember. But life is messy and maybe it was meant to be that way."

Naomi didn't know what could possibly be okay with not being able to have a child. She was at a loss of words and explanations and just didn't know what to say to Addison. Every time a couple walked into her office she knew exactly what to tell them and how to tell them. But with friends and family?

"Yeah, I just don't get it. What's fair about being alone and having no chance to build a family? I am 39 and I have no relationship, no future plan…just work."

Again she turned away and looked out of the window. She felt Naomi's hand on her shoulder and reached for it and continued.

"I am sorry about rejecting your job offer. I just can't leave everything behind…again. I have done this too often and back home at Seattle Grace I know people and I start to like some of them. It has been a tough ride but I think it's the best to finally build a solid basis. It had always been okay for me to go from one place to another, from one hospital to another…not to mention my not so small number of relationships. But I really want to change things for the better."

Naomi interrupted Addison. "But we are friends for many many years. I would be here for you."

Even though she knew what Addison meant it hurt to hear those words.

"I know but it won't be right for me to stay here with you. I've been here for almost two weeks now. I came to you to become pregnant and to change my life. Instead I got the diagnosis not being able to have a baby at all. I have to start to change my life…now!"

She gulped. They had been talking about the baby topic the whole week long. Nothing had helped her. They had gone over the options of adoption, surrogate mothers and foster-children. Nothing had changed Addison's heartache.

"I am sorry Addison. I wish I had better news to tell you and to see you leaving us here glowing and pregnant and everything but..."

"But. Exactly…but. I just can't. I have to go back."

-------------------------------------

"George! Are you serious? You are leaving us? You are moving out?"

Following George from room to room Izzie's voice started to become all high and pitched. She grabbed his arm and forced him to face her.

"Izzie. Just leave me alone."

Furious with her and the whole world he continued stuffing his clothes into the suitcase.

"That's none of your business."

A bunch of socks joined the already squeezed and crinkled shirts.

"In fact, it is George. We are good friends. At least that's what I've been thinking so far. And good friends TELL each other stuff, you know. They don't just leave in the dead of the night."

Izzie's tousled blonde hair and her red face made her look like a furious troll.

"It's four in the afternoon."

Without even looking at her George ran into the bathroom. Followed closely by Izzie it wasn't easy to grab his stuff. Once again she forced him to turn around.

"George, please, sit down with me for one minute. Not more. Just one minute and I promise I won't be in your way any longer."

With pleading eyes she stared at him. George's heart had been aching since his decision and it had been too hard for him to face her. Right now everything he wanted was to lie down and scream.

"Okay." He sat down on the bathroom floor and leaned back against the shower cabin.

"Okay?" Izzie was surprised.

"Okay then." She repeated and sat down right next to him. "Why are you moving, George? When did you decide?"

George stared at the wall and in a monotonous voice he started to explain.

"Callie and I had a big fight and she issued me an ultimatum. Either I come and live with her like husband and wife are supposed to be or she's gonna get a divorce. I love her. She is my wife. I have to go. I just have to."

Izzie didn't know what to say and suddenly she felt stupid.

"I am sorry George. It was obvious. I…I just…I will miss you so much around here. Meredith isn't that talkative at all and...you are my best friend. Please tell me that we will see each other from time to time?"

Tears were forming in her eyes and before she could stop it she was crying. George was surprised and shocked by her reaction. He hadn't known that their friendship had been that important to her. Thinking about it, it was great to have each other.

"I am sorry Izzie. It's just…I have to do this, you know?"

Still sobbing she nodded. "You can continue packing." Forcing a smile on her face she got up. "If you need me I'll be in the kitchen.

Minutes later George could hear her rattling and pottering downstairs. Trying to focus on his task he went from room to room to find stuff that belonged to him.

Entering the kitchen for some of his pots and pans he stopped dead in his tracks. He couldn't believe his eyes. Izzie was standing in midst of three different kinds of dough. Her clothes, hair and face were white from all the flour and everything around her looked like a big bakery.

"Izzie. Are you out of your mind?"

"Oh, hi George. I thought…maybe you want some cake to take with you and ….o ….I just had to bake."

At that moment Meredith entered the kitchen. "OH MY GOD!!! Izzie, have you gone crazy? Seriously people. There are others here who want to come home and relax."

"Mer…George is moving." Izzie sat down at the counter.

"You are what? Why didn't you tell me?" Meredith put her coat and shawl away and walked over to Izzie trying not to get white from all the flour.

"I didn't know either. Callie and I decided on it yesterday. I am sorry Mer."

Every minute that had gone by explaining his situation he started to feel more and more awful.

"_You have to do this, George."_ Callie's voice rang in his head like an alarm clock.

"Hey. What about a going away party? We haven't had a party in ages and with all my cakes here maybe it's not a bad idea."

Meredith rolled her eyes at the sight of Izzie's baking disaster. And then it hit her.

"Yes, sure George. Let's make a party. What a great idea, Izzie."

It was hard to say who was more surprised by Meredith's outburst of excitement but it was a sure thing to say that none of them, not even Meredith herself, had expected it.

"You guys." A bright smile on his face he hugged Meredith.

"Aaaah, George. Get off me." Pushing him away she grinned too.

"Since when are you into parties?" Izzie was surprised by her sudden change of mind.

"Hey, I always liked parties. So, when do we have it?"

"What about next weekend?" George suggested.

"No, that's too far off. What about this weekend? With all our shifts nobody will have time the whole day but I think it would be the best. I have a free day and you too, don't you?"

Eager Meredith looked at Izzie.

"Yes, yes, I have. What about you George?"

"I have to be at work. But only till 8 p.m. Who are we going to invite?" George sat down next to Izzie.

"Good question. There are some people from the hospital of course. And some of Callie's friends, maybe?" He wasn't sure how they would take his suggestion but it was his party.

Izzie, bringing back the bygone conversation to her mind, nodded. "Sure. She has to come too. Can I invite Alex? And Christina? I don't know there shifts but maybe they find some time to come over."

"What about Addison?" Meredith started to get into action. Since the topic party had been on the table her only aim was to get Addison into it.

"Addison? Since when are you that close to her? I mean, since when do you even like her?" George stared at her with a puzzled look but got distracted by Izzie's squeaky voice.

"Hey, what a fun party!!! Who cares, George? Meredith wants her here. So let's bring her." Swirling through the kitchen she continued baking her cakes and talking and planning for herself.

Meredith was beaming with joy and excitement. She couldn't wait to ask her. Tomorrow Addison should be back at the hospital. Meredith couldn't stop smiling at the thought of it.

"Izzie, what do you think about watching a movie tonight?" Meredith turned around before she walked out of the kitchen. "We haven't had a movie night for ages."

Izzie couldn't believe her ears. "Who are you and where did you hide Meredith?" She stepped over and shook her slightly. Laughing Meredith said in a high and affected voice: "I am Htiderem, the evil twin sister. So don't mess with me." Giggling she shook Izzie too: "And who are you? Are you the girl who wants to have a nice evening with cocoa and DVDs?" Izzie didn't know what had gotten into Meredith.

"And you are totally sure you are okay?"

"Totally! Seriously, I just want to have fun."


	11. Breathe out

"Good morning!" Beaming Meredith entered the locker room.

"What's the matter with you? Since when are you a morning person?" Christina stated questioningly. She slipped over her scrubs-top and started to tie up her hair.

"Nothing. I am in a good mood. That's all." Meredith went over to her locker and with a big smile she began to undress.

"Ah, by the way. Did George already tell you? We are gonna have a party on Saturday. Do you have time to come?" Turning around to face Christina she waited for an answer.

Taken by surprise it took Christina some seconds to think about the offer.

"I have to be on-call but I will definitely come. Why are you even giving a party?"

"Ah, I forgot to mention: George is moving out and…"

Christina's pager cut Meredith off.

"It's a 911. Have to get it."

Meredith sat down at the bench between the lockers and took a deep breath. Today was the day she would see Addison again. In joyful expectation the warm and fuzzy feeling returned to her stomach. She took her pager to attach it to her pants when it went off. A quick look at it and she jumped up.

"Shit. 911." She grabbed the rest of her stuff and ran outside.

"What's going on here?" More doctors and nurses than usual were running through the corridors.

"Dr. Grey. Come down to the emergency entrance and take your interns with you. We need everyone who is available. NOW!" Dr. Bailey didn't even stop to give her the message.

"What did happen?" Meredith tried to find out what was going on but Bailey was already out of sight. Scanning the hallway her view fell on her three interns who stood in a corner right next to the elevator. Totally lost they just stared at the scenario.

"GREY, WENTWORTH, FISHER!!" Meredith shouted and as they reacted to the call she signaled them to come over.

"Thank god, Dr. Grey. What's going on here?" Brian was fiddling with his fingers and Lexie wasn't a bit calmer. Only Steven seemed to have everything under control.

He answered Brian's question. "There was a terrible accident at the main station. A train didn't stop and crashed into the waiting area."

Surprised Meredith smiled at him. "Ah, thanks Steven. Yes, I just got orders to help downstairs at the emergency entrance. There we will hopefully get all the needed instructions."

She turned around and stopped. There she was. Addison. Brian and Steven who were already moving and couldn't stop that fast bumped into her.

"I am sorry Dr. Grey." Brian blushed and looked at her questioningly.

Meredith didn't answer. She was just staring after Addison who was running down the corridor, giving orders to her interns and trying to tie up her hair. She was still wearing her normal clothes so she couldn't have been here long.

"Dr. Grey. Is something wrong?" Lexie touched her slightly which made Meredith return to the real world.

"What did you say?" With a blurry look she stared at her interns.

"Emergency?" Steven asked confused.

"Sure. Come on. Let's move, people!" Becoming herself again she started to pace through the hospital followed by her interns.

"_Focus, Meredith. Focus."_ Talking to herself and still hearing Dr. Bailey's words she made her way to the entrance. The closer they got the more doctors where heading the opposite direction, carrying and wheeling injured people. She could hear Lexie's frightened voice.

"Oh my god. What a mess. I don't know if I can manage this." She slightly started to panic.

"You can, Grey. Just focus. Step by step." Meredith was surprised by her own words but had no time to think about it. They had reached the emergency entrance.

"Meredith. How many interns are with you?" The chief came running towards her, holding a chart in one hand and a radio device in the other one.

"Three, sir."

"Good. Come over here." He waved her over to an ambulance that had just stopped. Taking a short glance around her she saw three more ambulances waiting for doctors.

"Fisher, Wentworth. Get the patient out of the ambulance. Lexie, come stay with me and chart everything that's happening."

The two men went over to the ambulance. "What do we have here?" Brian asked bravely. His knees where wobbling and shaking like pudding.

"27 year old female. Squashed her head between two seats. Lost a lot of blood."

They wheeled her out of the car and after a quick glance at her head Meredith decided to page Derek.

"I need him. It's work. He's the specialist." She tried to vindicate herself.

Running back into the hospital while holding the blood transfusion she scanned the unconscious woman in front of her.

"Lexie, please hold this." Meredith handed her the transfusion and with panic in her eyes Lexie grabbed it. "Try to hold it steady."

Meredith pulled out her pager again. Derek was available. OR 3. Thank god. She sent another page to Addison.

"I just hope she's available." Looking at the woman's body she was pretty sure now. She had to be pregnant.

It seemed like ages till she got the answer. Addison wasn't available.

"Shit." Meredith cursed.

"Where?" Steven had turned around. They had reached the OR section of the building.

"OR 3. Dr. Shepherd is already waiting for us."

They wheeled the woman into the OR.

"What do we have?" Derek asked coldly.

"Her head got squashed between two heavy seats. There is no diagnosis yet. You are the specialist so I paged you." Meredith answered, not even looking at him.

"There is no diagnose and you already paged me to the OR?" Derek got furious.

"Dr. Shepherd, something's happening to her." Brian stared at the woman who was slowly turning blue.

There was no time to fight over who had done things right or wrong. Together they tried to stabilize her and after some minutes of work her vitals went back to normal.

"Okay, let's do this."

Meredith arranged all the needed procedures and examinations. Her interns did great and with every minute that was passing by they all together started to relax. There would be no OP needed.

"Here I am. You paged me? What happened? Why do you need me?" Addison stormed into the room.

Five pairs of eyes stared at her and Derek was the first to regain his speech.

"Not any more. Wait a second. Why are you even here?" He looked over to Meredith who was still just staring at Addison. There she was. Right in front of her. Her brain seemed to stop working and everything started to become pink and fluffy.

"Meredith paged me. I mean, Dr. Grey. She paged me to come down to the OR." Addison checked her pager. "There's the message." She showed it to Derek.

"Meredith, why did you page me?" Addison approached her.

"I…." Struggling for words she finally managed to get the sentence out of her mouth. "It seemed to me as if she was pregnant. But she is doing fine right now."

Addison turned to the patient. Her trained eyes told her that Meredith was right. "Yes, she is. Let's bring her upstairs. I have to do some exams which I can't proceed without my instruments.

"I'll go with you." Meredith stepped to the gurney and together they wheeled her out of the room. "Derek, will you come with us, in case.."

"No, just got another 911. Sorry." He ran out of the OR, signaling Brian to come with him. "You don't need him, do you?"

Meredith shook her head. "No. I am fine with two." She didn't know what to do next. Torn between her responsibility as doctor to go back to the emergency entrance or to go with Addison she didn't move.

"Meredith. Let's move. There are other cases I have to check on." Addison started to push the gurney.

"I have to go back. There are still many other victims outside the building." She forced herself to go back and retracted her hands from the handles of the stretcher. "Lexie will join you."

Relieved Lexie went over to Addison and both wheeled the woman in direction of the elevator.

Devastated that again she had missed the chance to talk to Addison, Meredith turned around and walked back to the emergency entrance, followed closely by Steven.

-------------------------------------------

They had been dealing with victims for hours and exhausted Meredith and Alex were sitting next to the coffee machine.

"I am dead. I can't move anymore." Alex closed his eyes and leaned back. His scrubs were blood-smeared and his hair messy.

"Me neither. Gosh, I am dead. I will never ever be able to move." She stretched her arms and legs and took a deep breath. Right at that moment her pager went off again.

"Gosh, one of these days I will smash this stupid thing." She pulled it off her pants.

Addison had paged her. Meredith jumped up like being stung by a bee and ran down the corridor in direction of the newborn station. Her heart was pounding like mad when she finally reached the examination room.

"Ah, thank you for coming." Addison was sitting on the exam table. "Sorry for paging you in a private matter. But I saw you sitting down there and I guessed you had nothing to do."

She stopped talking and stared at Meredith who couldn't believe her ears. Still standing in the doorway she looked at Addison.

"No problem at all."

Meredith didn't know what to think about the situation and decided to hear her out before jumping to conclusions.

"I don't know if you have realized my absence." Addison got up from the table.

"Yes, I have." Meredith gulped. What the hell was going on?

"Did you get my call?" Addison started to feel uncomfortable. Maybe it hadn't been a good idea to page her.

"Your call? Which call? I didn't …" She stopped talking and thought back at the number she hadn't known. "Oh."

"_She did call you and you didn't answer it?"_ Nearly saying it out loud she ranted over her own silly mistake.

"I..I didn't know the number."

Addison realized how dumb it had been to assume Meredith having her number.

Meredith was eager to know why Addison had called her and threw all cautions to the winds.

"Why did you call me? Was it important?"

Meredith took two steps towards Addison.

"To be honest with you. I needed somebody to talk to." Addison looked into Meredith's eyes who started to feel numb.

"_She wanted to talk to me and I didn't answer the phone. I didn't call her back. I long to touch her but I missed this? AM I FUCKING CRAZY?"_ Her insides felt like somebody had tied a knot.

"Why?" It was the only word that escaped her mouth.

"Because…I…it's a long story. You don't have to talk or listen to me but I really enjoyed our evening two weeks ago and I feel like I can trust you...despite our past."

She paused.

"There is not enough time right now, though." Addison remained silent again.

Suddenly Meredith's face lit up. "We are having a going-away-party for George on Saturday. You are welcome to come. If you want you can stay over and we can talk then? Saturday is my day off. That's two days from now if that's not too long for you to wait."

She couldn't believe it. She had done it. She had asked her to come to the party and Addison herself had lead the way to it.

"That would be…it would be really great but.."

"But…" Meredith sighed and shocked by her sigh she looked down at her feet.

Addison didn't care about Meredith's interruption and finished. "I have to be here on Saturday but my shift ends at 2 in the morning on Sunday."

Meredith's brain did overtime. She had to be back at work at 8 a.m. on Sunday. "You can still come at two if you want. I have to be on-call on Sunday if that's no problem."

"Are you sure?" Addison started to relax. "Then it's set. I'll be at your house around 2."

"Great. I am really looking forward to it." Giving Addison a warm smile she walked back to the coffee machine.

Her whole head was filled with one bright and shiny picture: Addison sitting on her bed, talking and laughing.


	12. Party Time

"Hey, Mer, where is my green bra? Did you take it?" Izzie's voice came out of the bathroom.

"No, I didn't take it. It wouldn't fit, by the way." Rolling her eyes Meredith scanned her room for any sign of it. "Not in here." She yelled back.

Izzie wrapped a towel round her body. Her hair still dripping she tiptoed into her room. After some minutes of throwing shirts, pullovers and underwear through the air she finally found the desired object. "Got it!" Pulling it from beneath a pile of clothes she headed back, bumping into Meredith.

If looks could kill Izzie would have dropped dead right away.

"Aaaaah…Izziiiiiiiie. Look at me. Everything is wet. That's my favorite blouse." Looking down herself Meredith started cursing.

"Come on. Don't you have eyes? Now I have to find something else to wear."

"Hey. It's just a going-away-party. You don't have to be all dressed up and perfect. And to be honest. Now that your blouse has gotten wet…I can totally see through it. I mean…is that what you want??"

"Maybe…" Meredith stopped talking. Maybe she wanted exactly the just this moment said things to happen?

"Maybe? Did you invite a date? Uuuuh…that's exiting." Izzie started jumping up and down, sprinkling more water on the floor and at Meredith.

"NO! Oh come on. I wasn't finished yet. I wanted to say…maybe you are right. Now go on and dry your hair."

Pointing at the puddle that had started to form beneath Izzie's feet she turned around. Just as she entered her room she could hear Izzie and George arguing again.

"I was in it first. Come on George. I am still naked."

"But now I am in here."

"Gosh, I can't wait till there is some peace around the house." With these words Meredith started to undress again. It wasn't the first time this evening she had tried on a different outfit. She was too nervous to decide on "the perfect one".

After some fighting over the bathroom and some more fighting over who gets to do the dishes after the party everything was settled and the party could start. Izzie and George were both sitting at the couch munching and crunching chips.

"I dschuscht hope that shome will come."

"What did you say? Oh please finish your chips and then start talking." Izzie shoveled another handful into her mouth.

George put his arms behind his head, leaned back and put his feet on the couch table.

"I said that I hoped that somebody would come. Do you want some Coke?"

"Na, thanks. So how do you feel about living with Callie? I mean, you guys are married but still." Looking directly into George's eyes he started to feel a bit uneasy.

"It will be alright, I guess. But…"

"Where are all the people?" Meredith slumped right next to Izzie. "What are you talking about? Izzie, hand me over some Coke, please."

"Take your time. They are all very busy people. I just hope that at least two or three of them will show up." Staring into the distance she leaned back.

"_Let's hope Addison will come."_ She said to herself and a bright smile appeared on her face. Luckily enough right at that moment the doorbell rang.

"Finally." George headed for the door to let Christina in. "Hey! Here you go, George. A bottle of wine."

"Great you are here." Meredith got up from the couch. "Let's partyyyy!"

It was a fun party. Christina and Alex couldn't stop giggling and it was hard to tell if it was for the amount of wine or the funny games.

"Left foot yellow!" George yelled.

At that command four grown-ups tried to reach a yellow spot on the twister board.

"Where is my arm?"

"Ouch, Izzie, your ass is in my face."

"I can't move. So it has to stay there for a while." Izzie countered.

"Ahh….I can't stand it anymore. I…"

And with an outburst of laughter all four of them slumped down.

"You all look like a human ball of wool." George giggled.

With many outcries of pain and laughter they got free from each other. The only one who wasn't really enjoying the party was Meredith. Minutes seemed to have become hours and time was passing by like chewing gum. She went to one of the kitchen windows. Looking into the darkness she scanned the surroundings. There was no sign of Addison so far. It had only been one o'clock so there was still an hour left but Meredith felt like she had been waiting for days and the tension inside her had built itself up to a point where there was no heightening possible. She felt ill and excited at the same time and the more minutes went by the more nervous she became. It was hardly bearable.

"_Where are you?"_ In a hushed voice she started talking to herself. _"Please don't do this to me."_

What if she didn't come? A wave of panic washed over her but there was no time left pondering about whether or not she would come. George's voice brought her back to the party.

"Mer, what are you doing over there? Come over here…here's the party."

The second she turned around a car parked in front of her house. Spinning around again Meredith stared at it. There she was. Her heart started to speed up and the tension was hardly bearable. Starting to feel numb she went out into the vestibule.

The others who had gone back to the game hadn't even recognized Meredith leaving the room.

Facing the entrance she waited for Addison to arrive at the front porch. Her mind went crazy and her whole body was shaking.

"_Ding! Ding! Ding!" _

Meredith didn't move.

"_Ding! Ding! Ding!"_

Wiping her clammy hands dry at her jeans she pulled open the door. "Hello. Thank you for coming."

Meredith gulped.

"Gosh, I am dead. I had three emergencies within three hours. At first I thought I wouldn't even make it on time but lucky enough I made it." Tired but happy she smiled at Meredith who was still just staring at her.

"Sounds like a fun party." Addison commented after hearing the laughs and cheers that sounded through the house.

"Thank you. Great you could make it." With a big smile she took Addison's jacket. "They are all in the kitchen. First we were in the living room but the food wasn't … so we decided to move."

Still carrying Addison's jacket Meredith led the way to the others.

"Hey, Addison. You are here too? That late?" Izzie took a quick glance a the clock.

"Yes, couldn't make it sooner but …here I am. TADAAA!" She spread her arms and laughed.

Meredith, still standing in the doorway, smiled. She felt calm and happy. Everything was alright. Bringing the jacket to her face she inhaled Addison's scent. Not knowing why she felt that way she was so absolutely sure about her feelings. She had to admit that this was more than a crush and definitely more than friendship. It was love. And for the first time in days she didn't panic at that thought. Not giving it a second thought she tried to dive into this feeling of complete happiness. Knowing the woman she loved was only some feet away from her.

She hung the jacket at the wardrobe and leant back against it.

"There you are. What's going on? Are you alright?" Izzie approached her.

"Yes, sure. I am. I was just thinking about some stuff at work."

"Work? Hey, it's party time. Enjoy yourself!" Izzie laughed and pushed Meredith back into the kitchen.

After another hour of more laughing and more wine and more playing, yawning Alex got up. "I have to leave now. It's already late. See you guys."

Some minutes later Christina and George where the last ones to leave. Izzie shut the door behind them and with a yawn she made her way to the stairs.

"Good night, Mer. Good night, Addison. Ah…Addison. Tell me again. I forgot. Wine and so on...you know. Why are you staying over?" Stretching she leant against the banister.

"I have to talk to Meredith about something important." Addison smiled back. "Good night."

Not questioning the just said Izzie went upstairs.

Meredith started to feel ill again. Finally she was with Addison alone. In private. The thing she had wished for the most.

"Meredith, if you are tired too you can go to bed. We can talk another time too." Not knowing what to think about the situation Addison suddenly felt uneasy and insecure.

"No. I am not that tired and I promised to take my time for you." Meredith couldn't wait to have her close and it again seemed like hours till both of them were sitting at Meredith's bed.

"It's so strange to sit with you like we are best friends." Addison started the conversation.

Meredith didn't know what to say. It was strange but wonderful strange and deep inside she wanted to move her hand over to Addison's. It was only inches away but it felt like a gaping chasm had opened out between the two of them.

"I know but I have to admit that I really misjudged you." After that sentence both of them fell silent again. Meredith had to fight hard against her feelings and the wine didn't help a bit. She crawled under the sheets and stared at the ceiling.

"You can sleep here with me or down in the living room."

"Thank you. I will go downstairs after we finished talking." Addison crawled right next to Meredith and both of them stared at the dark ceiling.

"What did you want to tell me?" Meredith tried to start over the conversation. Her heart was burning and her mind racing but she had to stay calm.


	13. Desire

Addison turned around to face Meredith. She felt strange lying in the same bed with an almost total stranger. On top of all she really had been looking forward to this talk and it took her all her strength to answer Meredith's question.

"I haven't been ill for the last two weeks."

Meredith didn't move. She was still staring at the ceiling fighting hard against her desire to touch Addison. Hearing the words coming out of Addison's mouth made her turn around and both were lying opposite each other. Their noses only inches apart.

"Where were you?" Closing her eyes so she didn't have to face Addison she awaited the answer.

"I have been in Santa Monica." After a short pause she couldn't hold it in any longer. "I don't know how to tell you all this. I am sorry if this comes all really unexpected but I am desperate to talk to somebody. You were the only person I knew that I could talk to and when you didn't answer I was in despair." A tear escaped Addison's eyes.

Meredith opened her eyes. "It's okay. You can talk. I like you very much." She moved her hand from beneath her bedcover under Addison's and held her hand tight.

"_I did it. I am dying."_ Meredith couldn't believe she actually made the step and lay still like a stone. _"What could she possibly want to tell me???"_

Addison was surprised but took it as a warm and friendly gesture. She gave it a short squeeze and inhaled deeply.

"I have a very good friend of mine in Santa Monica. Naomi. She is running a Fertility Clinic."

Meredith couldn't believe her ears. "A fertility clinic?" She repeated.

"Yes. You heard right. I am desperate to have a child. Derek and I had always talked about having kids one day. Only that day had never come. Work was more important and with Mark it was the same."

Addison looked into Meredith's eyes. She couldn't tell what was going on behind those big sad eyes but she knew Meredith was clinging to her words.

Meredith had listened carefully and with every said word she was more and more surprised. She had always seen Addison as a cool and perfect lady.

"That means…you are…pregnant?"

"No. I am not. The results said that I …" Whilst talking tears were running down her cheeks. " I am infertile."

Meredith was shocked. She didn't know what to say or do or how to react. For a moment she totally forgot about her own desire and anxiety.

"That's horrible. I am so sorry. I don't…I don't know what to say." Reaching for a handkerchief she handed it Addison.

"When I … when I got the results that was when I wanted to talk to you."

Her body was shaking of exhaustion and desperation.

"I don't know how to handle this." Blowing her nose she continued. "Do you want to have children?"

"I guess…" Meredith hadn't given it that many thoughts so far. "It had never really been a topic."

"Luck you." Sniffling she pulled her knees up to her chest. "For me it was the one thing I was sure of. I haven't been sure about many things in my life but I always wanted to have kids. Right now…there is no man in sight and I don't even get the chance to have a baby."

Another wave of pain washed over Addison and she started to cry again. Meredith was at a total loss. Without thinking about the consequences she removed her blanket and crawled under Addison's. She wrapped her arms around Addison's shaking body and remained still.

What had she done? Was she crazy? Meredith's conscience went mad.

Addison reached for Meredith's hands and pulled them closer to her chest. Lying back to chest the only sounds that could be heard were Addison's sobs and Meredith's breathing.

Meredith was in heaven. She had never experienced that feeling. She felt calm and relaxed. The whole world had suddenly disappeared and feeling Addison's warmth and body against her own was all she needed. It was more she had ever dreamt of and it hit her. "I've never really been in love so far."

"What?" Addison turned her head slightly and Meredith's mouth was right next to Addison's ear.

"I…nothing. I was just talking to myself."

Feeling Addison's hair against her cheek she couldn't resist and moved closer.

"Thank you for listening." Addison closed her eyes. She felt okay. Inside her head she tried to focus what had just happened but she was too emotional to put everything into the right order. The only thing she knew was that she felt safe and warm. A feeling she had been missing for a long time.

"Alarm clock" were the last words Addison mumbled before she drifted off to sleep.

Meredith smiled. She reached for her alarm clock and set it for 7 a.m. An hour would be enough to get ready.

Moving her hand slowly down to Addison's belly Meredith tried to get as much from Addison as she could.

"You are acting like a teenager." The little voice in her head ranted but she didn't listen to it and went on. Gliding over the back and shoulders up to the long hair she started to relax. Her dream had come true. Placing a light kiss on Addison's shoulder she pressed herself against her and after some minutes sleep had come over her too.

---------------------------------------

Addison was the first to wake up. It was still dark outside and it took her some time to realize where she was. She felt Meredith's body pressed against her back. Opening her eyes she didn't move. Meredith's hand seemed to have found it's way under her shirt and was resting at her belly. Addison giggled. It felt comforting.

Trying not to wake Meredith she made herself comfortable and closed her eyes again.

"I like her. She's a good friend." A smile on her face she drifted off to sleep again.

---------------------------------------

"Beep, beep, beep!" The annoying sound of the alarm clock made the two women wake up. Still lying close to each other they didn't move. Meredith was pleading that Addison won't be mad at her for being that close and with horror in her eyes she withdraw her hand from beneath Addison's shirt.

"Good morning." Addison turned around and stared into Meredith's eyes. "That damn alarm clock. What time is it?"

Meredith shut it off and taking a second glance at it she answered. "Seven. I thought that might be okay for you."

"Sure it is. Thank you." Remaining silent Addison continued staring into Meredith's eyes. "I don't remember the last time I slept that deeply.

"Me neither." Meredith was going crazy. Her heart was racing. Addison was that close. She gulped.

Without warning Addison pulled her close. "Thank you so much for listening to me"

Meredith couldn't resist any longer. Without even knowing what had gotten into her she placed a kiss on Addison's lips.

Addison became stiff. She didn't move. "What, why?" She pulled back and moved to the edge of the bed.

Meredith remained in the same position. "Damn, damn, damn." Cursing and swearing she got up. "Addison, I am so sorry. I don't know what has gotten into me. I swear I didn't mean to…"

Addison didn't say a word. She grabbed her pullover and went out of the bedroom leaving a frightened and confused Meredith behind.

Outside the room Addison leant against the wall. What was going on here? Fear started to crawl up inside of her chest. Looking left and right for the bathroom she locked herself up inside. Gliding down the door she started to cry. Why did Meredith kiss her? Was it meant to be taken as a sign of close friendship? Or do girls do such stuff round here?

"What a mess!"

"Addison. Please. Open up." Meredith knocked against the closed bathroom door. "I am so sorry. I didn't mean to kiss you. I don't know what had gotten into me."

"You did what?" Izzie stood behind her. Her mouth gaping wide open. "You kissed Addison? Are you…?"

Meredith went white. Izzie. She had forgotten about her roommate. Gosh! What a mess, what a mess!

Izzie may be a little overexcited about things but she immediately got the situation. "Oh. Now I get you." She said in a hushed and kind of "I-am-sorry" voice.

"Oh Izzie. You don't even know what's going on." Meredith sat down. She laid her head on her knees and brushed her still tousled hair back. "I made a big mistake."

Addison left the house without saying a word. Avoiding Meredith and Izzie she packed and drove away.


	14. Healing talk

George stood in the middle of the bedroom. His new bedroom in his new home in his new life. He felt kind of lost but happy to finally live like a married couple. Looking at some pictures at a shelf right in front of him, pictures of Callie and him together on trips or weekends, he smiled. He caught himself thinking at more pictures of their baby and their future family. Suddenly his face lit up like the sun and with a grin he let himself fall back onto the bed. THEIR bed. Inhaling deeply George closed his eyes, letting his mind wander to his job, to Callie, to his friends and his family.

"George? Are you in there?" Callie's voice jolted him out of his dreams.

"Yes, I am." He didn't open his eyes but could hear her enter the room.

"What are you doing in here? Your shift starts in fifteen minutes. Geeze, George. You're gonna be late." Staring at her husband who didn't move a bit she smiled. "Please get up. You know how everyone is at the hospital."

At Callie's softer voice George opened one eye. "I will, I will. Gosh, I am so glad you forced me to move in with you. Why am I that lazy in making good decisions?" Sitting up he tried to straighten his mess of hair. As usually it remained as messy as before and with a small sigh he got up. "I love you, Callie."

Pulling him closer she whispered into his ear. "I love you too, George O'Malley. And you know what? Today is one of those days we could actually try and make a baby." Smirking she placed a tender kiss at his ear.

George backed off. "Are you sure you wanna do this? I mean, a baby and…"

"George, please don't tell me you've changed your mind." With fear in her eyes she clinged to his lips, awaiting the worst to come.

He didn't know what to say. Yes, he indeed was frightened and everything was moving on so fast. Looking into Callie's eyes he didn't know what to answer.

"No, George, please. Don't tell me you changed your mind." Tears were now forming in her eyes and George's heart started to ache.

"I want to have children with you, Callie. But…to be honest with you. And I always thought that that's what husband and wife are supposed to be." He gulped. "Don't you think it would be better to wait for about a year or two? We hardly got time to enjoy our married life with all the moving in moving out mess."

Callie couldn't believe her ears and tried to focus. "Let's talk about this in the evening." She answered in a dry and teary voice. Grabbing her bag and keys she turned and left the apartment.

"Shit, shit, shit. You are a dumb fool." George ranted. Trying to bring back his focus on packing his stuff for work he scurried through all of the rooms to pick up his things. "I have to become more tidy."

---------------------------------------

Within the next few days after the party Addison had successfully tried to avoid Meredith. Every time a possibility of cooperation loomed she managed to get out of it by having no time or being busy with giving orders. The morning Addison had left Meredith's house she had been scared, shocked and confused all in one.

"Oh my god, it's only Thursday and I feel like I've been working here for about two weeks in a row." Addison mentioned to one of her interns who approvingly nodded. Tired she brushed a strand of red hair out of her eyes. Leaning over an incubator and looking at the tiny and fragile baby girl she started to calm down. Babies always had a soothing effect on her. She could be in the incubator room for hours, thinking and rethinking problems. Addison turned to the intern who was updating the baby's chart.

"It's okay, Anita. You can leave now. I will take it from here. Please help at the station wherever you are needed."

Anita gave Addison a puzzled look but was too insecure to state any further questions. After the doors shut close behind her Addison let out a deep drawn sigh. Pulling a chair close to the small and fragile girl in front of her she started talking.

"You know, some days ago I met this woman." She turned around to be sure that she was alone in the room but the only sounds that could be heard were from some of the machines to which the baby was hooked to.

"I mean, I've already known her for quite a while now. Her name is Meredith. Pretty name, isn't it?"

She smiled at the baby girl who was sound asleep.

"And you know what? We had dinner together and we had a great time. At least I enjoyed it."

Thinking back at the Italian restaurant Addison smiled.

"And then I was away for two weeks. I wanted to have a baby of my own. Like you are one. A tini tiny little baby but Mother Nature told me that I wasn't the right person to be one."

Addison's eyes started to get watery and with the back of her hand she wiped the tears away in a quick motion.

"Anyway. I wanted to talk to Meredith. You have to know that I don't have many friends. Meredith didn't answer her phone and when I was back I met with her. I was so happy to see her again. And she agreed to listen to me, to hear me out. She even invited me to George's going-away-party. Do you know George? He's that cute and kind guy who sometimes drops by to look at you and all your baby friends. I was really happy about the invitation but I had some doubts too. I didn't like Meredith very much before we found time to talk. But that's a whole other story. I don't want to annoy you with that."

Addison felt herself calm down and after a short pause she continued her story telling.

"And then the night came. Meredith listened to me. And we were lying in bed together. And then in the morning she kissed me. She totally kissed me."

There was nothing in the room but silence. Addison had become stiff and looking at the tiny baby she tried to find a suitable explanation why she was that shocked.

"You know, in an adult world like I am in, it's not that common that women kiss women. Women should kiss men and men should kiss women."

Again Addison paused. She felt uneasy.

"I am sorry. You don't know anything about the world outside and who am I to tell you it's only okay for men to kiss women and the other way round? So, let's start over again. There are some women who really like and love women. That's called lesbian. Kind of a silly word, don't you think?"

Laughing a fake laugh Addison looked around her again. She was still alone. Which was pretty amazing because most of the time there were hardly two minutes to pause from work.

"And then there are those men who love men and why am I even telling you this? I mean…everybody can love everybody."

At this thought Addison started to feel more than just uneasy. What if Meredith was in love with her? What if this kiss wasn't just an accidental kiss? In total shock she jumped up.

"Baby girl, I am a terrible person. I have to find Meredith. It's not fair to judge without even listening."

With these words Addison ran out of the dark and dingy room into the bright corridor.

"Woha, Addison. Watch your way." Still trying to adjust to the bright light she looked up and stared at Derek.

"Hey, it's just me. You look like you've seen a ghost."

Still not over Meredith nor Addison he felt uneasy. Addison on the other hand didn't want to loose precious time.

"I am sorry, Derek. Didn't see you coming."

"What about you and me having some coffee?" Derek tried to be nice but Addison was already heading towards the elevator. Turning around she shouted. "Ah, by the way, did you see Meredith?"

She didn't get an answer. The eleveator doors closed and so she couldn't see the puzzled and angry look at Derek's face.

"No, I haven't seen her and if I had...I…I…" He didn't know what he had actually done and with anger building up inside him he forced himself to focus on his task to get Dr. Bailey.

In the meantime Addison was standing in the elevator. "Where could she possibly be?"

---------------------------------------

"Meredith. Stop ignoring me. You've been playing hide and seek for nearly a week now."

Throwing sugar packets at Meredith Izzie tried to get her friend's attention. Both were having lunch at the Cafeteria and Meredith was going with her fork through the salad like with a rake through wet grass.

"Izzie. Would you stop throwing things at me?"

Meredith shot a furious glance at her and Izzie laid down the rest of the packets onto the table.

"I will if you start talking to me. Just tell me what's happening with you. I don't care who you make out with but I care when you stop talking to me."

There, she said it. Izzie leaned back, awaiting an answer. It took Meredith some time to open her mouth but then it just came pouring out of her.

"Yes, you heard right. I kissed Addison. But she hasn't been talking to me since then and so I guess she didn't take it too well." With an ironic laugh she slammed her fork into the salad.

"You know. The salad is already dead. You don't have to kill it."

Izzie chuckled but immediately went back to serious. "I am sorry Mer. That's awful. So, you really like her that much? How come?"

Putting down the fork Meredith stared at Izzie in disbelieve. "What did you just say?"

Izzie wasn't so sure if it was the right thing but she repeated the just said.

"Thank you." Were the only words that escaped Meredith's mouth.

"You are...you are welcome…I guess? For what exactly are you thanking me?" Izzie stared at Meredith's fumbling fingers. She seemed to be nervous and Izzie pulled her chair closer to Meredith's.

"Because you take me seriously."

"Sure I do. You are my friend. So, tell me. What's going on?"

"I don't know Izzie. I have to figure it out for myself but I can tell you. That kiss didn't really help. I could have killed myself for doing that but I really…I…I think I've fallen in love with her."

Meredith felt ill. It had been one thing to admit it to herself but to say it aloud? A whole other story! She was shaking and her hand started to sweat. But it wouldn't be for Izzie and her big heart to not listen to Meredith.

"That must be awkward. I mean, first Derek and Addison, then Derek and you and now Addison and you. Wow. But Meredith…love doesn't ask so don't question it. Just go for it and follow your heart. I made this mistake once and I still regret it."

"You are right but it's so hard and Addison must hate me. She really has to. Why else would she avoid me?"

She leaned over to Izzie and whispered. "I've never ever been that comfortable in my entire life. It has to be kind of good, don't you think?"

"Sure!" Izzie was surprised by Meredith's trust. A side of her she hadn't really known so far and she appreciated it. Maybe Meredith had just been in the wrong places so far. Smiling she patted Meredith's knee.

"Try to talk to her."

"I will. I definitely will. But…Izzie…please don't tell anybody. I don't want to be the target of gossip again."

"Promise."


	15. VIDEO

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I tried to create a video which tells the beginning of Meredith's and Addison's complicated relationship. There are some hints what's still to come.

It was hard to make it because there are hardly any scenes in which both of them talk or act together.

www . michaelawimberger . at / findinglove / ?page_id=21


	16. Confessions

Finally Addison spotted Meredith who was standing at the stairs next to Izzie. She was not sure if she should approach her but there was no more time to think about it. Meredith showed the inclination to head off and within one second Addison knew what to do. She headed towards her. Her heart pounding in her head and her view focused on Meredith the gape between them decreased.

Right at the moment Addison had walked around the corner Meredith had noticed her. Out of the corner of her eye she was observing Addison's movements and her only goal was to get away. All her intentions had vanished and her heart was pounding in her throat.

"Izzie, she's moving." Meredith choked.

"Who is moving? Where?"

Izzie was confused and took a quick look around her. Staring at Addison and back to Meredith she understood. Meredith's eyes were full of fear and she started to panic. Stepping one step up and two down she was at a total loss. Izzie grabbed her hand and pressed it slightly.

"You can do this, Mer. Focus. You just told me you want to talk to her. It seems as she wants to talk too."

"Meredith."

Addison had come to a halt right next to them. She gulped.

"Hello Izzie."

"Hi."

Not knowing if she should leave or stay Izzie searched for any signs in Meredith's look and body language but Meredith was not of sound mind.

"I have to go."

With these words Izzie freed her hand from Meredith's clasp and slowly walked away. Meredith hadn't said a word so far. She was just staring. Staring at Addison's pink scrubs, her colorful cap, her eyes and long hair, her body from her scrubs cap down to her shoes.

"Meredith?" Addison slightly touched her.

Reacting to the touch Meredith finally found her speech again and her mind jumped to the things she had discussed with Izzie. Out of context the words came out of her mouth.

"Hello. I…Addison…I am sorry. I like you. I am a bad person."

Gosh where was her brain? Did it melt or vanish? There was nothing but fluff in her head. She had to focus on what she wanted to tell Addison but there was no chance to it at all. The only thing that might come out of her mouth would be a complement, which she knew, even in her weird state of mind, wouldn't have the best effect.

Addison took Meredith's hand and pulled her over to some seats in the waiting area. The moment Meredith felt the touch she nearly went crazy but at the same time wished it to never stop. Sitting down opposite each other they finally managed to talk.

"Meredith, first of all. I am the one who has to apologize. I know I acted crazy. I just wasn't reckoning THIS. I still don't know why you kissed me but that's what I am here for."

Looking into Meredith's fearful and teary eyes the knot in her stomach started to tighten.

"I…it was my fault. I had no right to do this. I don't even know why." Meredith answered but in the back of her head she knew exactly why.

"_Beep, beep, beep." _

"Damn it." Addison pulled her pager from her scrubs. "I have to go but please…can we talk about this some other time?"

Meredith had finally managed to calm down and her brain seemed to work quite fine again.

"Yes, I would love to talk to you too." She paused. "I have a free night. You could come over. Izzie is there too. So there will be no weird behavior." Blushing she shyly smiled at Addison.

"I don't have a free night but I will try to arrange to be free. I have to run. See you tonight."

Pacing up the stairs she was out of Meredith's field of vision again. But not out of her heart and mind. Inhaling deeply she propped her elbows on her thighs.

"That's okay. I can do this. Tonight. I can do this. Izzie will be there. I can do this."

Slowly she got up and looked around. She felt like in a movie. Everything around her was surreal. Everybody seemed to move in quick-motion and she herself like floating on a cloud.

---------------------------------------

Izzie stood in the kitchen. Going through some cookbooks and looking out of the window from time to time she sighed. It was only five in the afternoon but the days already started to become shorter. Deep in thoughts she took her big coffee mug and her view fell on the calendar on the fridge.

"25th of September." She mumbled. "Still some time till it snows." Smiling she again stared out of the window.

"_Ding! Ding! Ding!" _

Izzie jumped and spilt the coffee all over her pullover and jeans.

"Damn it. Ouch, uuh…hot, hot, hot."

Jumping and cursing she ran to open the door. Still mopping she suddenly stood face to face with Addison. Meredith hadn't mentioned her visit to her.

"Oh, hi." Izzie knew why she was here but Addison didn't know that she knew and so nobody should know that she knew before Addison knew that she knew. Getting confused with her own thoughts she simply smiled at the red hair.

"Hello. I hope I don't interrupt you but I told Meredith that I will come by this evening." Smiling nervously she scanned the vestibule behind Izzie. There was no sign of Meredith.

"Yes, sure, come in." Izzie gestured.

"What happened to you?" Addison pointed at Izzie's soaked clothes.

"Oh, that. I spilt the coffee all over me. I didn't expect the doorbell to ring. But who does? Give me a second. I'll go and get Meredith."

She led Addison into the living room. "You can sit here on the couch."

Taken aback by Izzie's friendliness she made herself comfortable.

She could hear Izzie screaming through the house. "MER!!! Addison is here!"

Izzie didn't know where Meredith had vanished but clearly she still had to be in the house.

"MEREDIIIIIITH! Where are you?"

Finally she got an answer. "In here." Sounded through the closed bathroom door.

Standing close to the door Izzie repeated her news. "Addison is here. Can I come in for a second?"

"Yes, sure. The door is open."

Entering the room Izzie nearly stepped onto Meredith who was lying on the cold bathroom floor.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I don't feel okay. That whole Addison thing drives me insane. I haven't eaten the whole day and I feel all woozy and dizzy and ill at the same time. Seriously, that's the worst case of lovesickness I've ever experienced."

Pale and frightened she looked up to Izzie.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. But hey, your love is sitting in the living room and I think you should move your butt downstairs."

Smirking she reached out for Meredith's hands. Instead of taking the offer Meredith suddenly went white, crawled to the toilet and started to gag.

"Gosh, Mer. She's down there. PLEASE talk to her." Handing her some paper towels she observed her friend.

"I am a mess." With tears in her eyes Meredith got up.

"Hey, you can do this. I know it. And I will be there waiting for you in case you need somebody to talk to."

After five more minutes Meredith finally made it downstairs. Addison was still sitting on the couch flipping through "Vanity Fair".

"Hi Addison." Meredith smiled and sat down at the opposite side of the couch.

"Hi. I hope I am not too soon."

"No, it's fine."

After that short conversation silence returned. Neither Meredith nor Addison knew where to start off and what to say. Finally Izzie interrupted them.

"Coffee? Muffins? Cookies? Anything?"

"Yes, sure. I'll take some muffins." Addison decided. Izzie put down the tablet and with a reassuring smile to Meredith she left.

"Izzie makes the best muffins in the whole world. Believe me. She has a LOT of practice."

Meredith giggled. The weight that had lain on her body seemed to become lighter and she started to calm down a bit. The sickness had completely vanished and all in all she was fine.

Addison reached for one of them. "Thank you! I like baking but I never tried those."

After some minutes of small talk about muffins and baking the ice was finally broken.

"Talking about muffins. We only got the idea to George's going-away-party because of Izzie's baking orgy. She does that a lot when she gets all moody or angry."

Addison got the hint and her face became serious. "About the party. I think there is something I have to say."

Meredith sat up. Addison at one side of the couch and Meredith at the other they stared at each other.

"Please let me start. There is so much I have to say and it's making me sick not being able to let it out." Pleading Meredith stared into Addison's eyes.

"Okay. You go." Smiling she took another bite. "Those are really great."

Meredith felt the hotness creep up inside of her. Now or never!

"First of all. Since I've known you better I really started to like you and that evening in the Italian restaurant really made my day."

Still a bit insecure Meredith searched for any reaction in Addison's mimic or body language. Nothing. She was listening carefully.

"I thought maybe we could become friends or people who like each other. Anyway, where was I?" Meredith's cheeks were all flushed.

Addison smiled at her. "I enjoyed it too and like you too. But we have already talked about that at the party. As crazy as it may sound and to be honest. There is just one question in my head. Why did you kiss me"

Meredith gulped. She had hoped to be able to explain more but as it seemed Addison really had pinned it down to that one moment. Scanning her mind for words of explanation Meredith remained silent for some seconds before she tried it again.

"The kiss. I…I don't know what had gotten into me. You are my ex-boyfriend's ex-wife and…" Meredith had lost it again. Lowering her eyes she twitched at the flowers on a pillow.

"I know who I am. I don't want to sound rude. It's not the end of the world and I was so angry at first. But then I thought I didn't even give you a chance to explain yourself. That's one reason why I am here. And the other reason is because I need you and want you as a friend."

Addison got up and went over to Meredith. Sitting down right next to her she continued.

"Last week my whole world changed within one minute. I was angry and sad and hurt. The only thing I've hoped and lived for was gone forever in a heartbeat." Tears dwelled in her eyes and Meredith didn't know what to do or how to react. She didn't even know what to say. Sitting as stiff as a poker she just stared into Addison's eyes.

Addison reached out for Meredith's hands. Holding them tight she tried to suppress the urge to cry.

"I…I…the only thing I can say to you is that…I felt like kissing you." Meredith felt Addison's grip around her hands tighten.

"Why?" Addison's mind did overtime and it deemed to her. Putting one and one together a clearer picture formed in her mind. Still holding Meredith's hands she examined them. They were thin with very short nails. Smiling she looked at her own. Her skin was darker and her nails longer. Examining them further on she started to calm down.

Meredith on the other hand was going nuts. She didn't know what to do or say. It seemed as every movement, every word and every gesture would reveal her feelings.

"Do you kiss Izzie too? She's a good friend of yours. Don't take it as an offence but I so desperately want to understand you."

"My god, no! Why?" Meredith shouted out but whilst talking the answer was already clear to her. "Oh."

"I am sorry for this." Meredith pointed at her eyes. Following her forefinger Addison saw the tears rolling down her cheeks. She didn't know what to say or where to go with the conversation. They got stuck and only Meredith could pull them out of the mud.

"Meredith. Please look at me. I don't know you very well so far but it seems to me as you were actually in love with me."

Now it was out in the open and it was for Meredith to grab it or leave it. Addison didn't know if it was the right thing to ask but she was at a total loss.

In shock at the just said Meredith started to cry even more.

"Meredith. What's the matter with you? I am sorry if I am wrong. I won't mention it again it was just so…so…obvious."

Addison pulled back her hands and leaned back. Staring at the black TV screen she waited for Meredith to say something.

"_She knows it. She knows it. She knows it."_

Those were the only thoughts that ran through Meredith's head the moment Addison had asked.

"_Now she is pulling back. She hates me. She knows it. She hates me. I am dying. What should I say?" _

Closing her eyes and leaning back she exhaled. _"Who am I kidding? There is nothing left to loose. Just get it over with."_

"Yes, I think I am. I am sorry." Meredith pressed her fists hard into the couch awaiting the sound of Addison's angry footsteps and the banging of the front door. But there was nothing but silence. She didn't dare to open her eyes. Everything around her had frozen and the only sounds where her heartbeat, her own and Addison's breathing.

"Okay." Addison answered.


	17. Love hurts

Addison turned to Meredith whose eyes were still closed. She didn't know what to say and so she continued looking Meredith up and down. Noticing her clenched fists and her stiff body she felt sorry for her. Addison knew exactly what had to go through her. Hadn't she been there herself some years ago? Traveling back in time her first big love appeared in front of her. Long brown hair, grey-blue eyes and a charming smile. She never had had the chance to say how much she loved her but every day she would enjoy sitting next to her in Med School and talk about life and boyfriends.

Again Addison looked at Meredith who had opened her eyes. How long had she been staring at her?

'Okay' was all she heard. Meredith's insides churned and she felt sick. Sick of all the tension and fear the talk had brought along. She opened her eyes. Addison was sitting opposite her and staring directly into hers. She felt insecure and remained silent. Addison didn't move and Meredith had the feeling as if she was looking right through her. It was an awful tension and finally Addison slowly started to talk.

"You…I mean…how do you know? Are you sure?"

"I think so. I…" Meredith struggled for words. "I haven't had such strong feelings for anybody before and so…I guess…it has to be love."

Addison nodded. "I know what you mean. I know this feeling very well."

"I don't think you do. It's okay if you wanna go. I don't expect you to stay after _THAT_."

Meredith was in a hopeless state. She didn't even know what to feel and a strange emptiness was creeping over her.

"Why should I leave? It's not the first time somebody told me that he loves me."

"HE. Exactly. But I am not a 'he'." Furiously she got up from the couch.

"I know that you are a woman." Addison sighed. "The only thing I want you to know is that I don't wanna hurt you. I think both of us have been hurt enough."

Hearing Addison's understanding voice she sighed and not knowing where to go she sat down again.

"How can you be so kind to me? I tell you that I have fallen in love with you and you try to understand me. I slept with your husband and you aren't angry with me anymore. I don't really get you. Everybody is talking about you as the devil and so on. Please don't play with my feelings. That's all I ask of you. You can shout at me or curse or whatever but please don't make a fool out of me."

Meredith leaned back, anger building up inside her. She couldn't believe that Addison was that cool and understanding.

Addison was taken aback. What did she do wrong?

"I am not playing with you. What would be the point?" She scooched over to Meredith and again she took her hands. Feeling Meredith's try to retract them she held them even tighter. They were cold and she felt Meredith's body shaking.

Meredith couldn't stand it anymore. Again tears were rolling down her cheeks and she felt like she was splitting apart. Feeling Addison's touch and withstanding the desire to give into her feelings it was too much.

Addison was struggling too. What if she hugged her? Would it be more painful or would it help her? Would it give her the wrong signals? Not knowing what else to do she followed her instincts and wrapped her arms around Meredith.

Meredith was lost. She felt Addison's cheek brush against hers and she buried her face in her hair. It smelled like a mixture of shampoo and hospital. Closing her eyes everything around her was gone. Addison was everywhere around her and without thinking she laid her hands on her back, wishing this sensation would never ever stop.

Addison felt Meredith's hot and wet cheek against hers and smiled. Slowly she started stroking her back and from time to time she let Meredith's hair glide through her fingers. Trying to find a comfortable position she shifted some inches towards Meredith and the gape between them decreased. At first Addison didn't realize that she was enjoying the closeness too but when it hit her, her eyes became wide. Trying to dive into that feeling she thought about her own position in the whole situation. She had been steeped in Meredith's feelings but hadn't listened to her own. What if there was a possibility?

Meredith felt Addison shift and opened her eyes for a second. Not knowing what to do she remained the way she was. She sensed Addison's sudden change.

"Are you…okay?" She pulled back and reality returned. Staring into Addison's eyes she was scared. The moment was over and it would never come back again. Meredith started to shiver.

Addison tried to gather her thoughts and be realistic. What if there was the slightest chance?

"I will be…just give me some seconds."

Meredith remained silent. What was going on in Addison's head? Exhausted she reached for her pullover.

Addison was confused. What had happened to her? Why did she even think about her feelings towards Meredith? Friendship. That's all she had wanted so far. She needed time to figure some things out. But how without revealing herself to Meredith? She didn't want to raise her hopes.

"How are you feeling?" She asked.

"I don't know. I am cold and tired." Meredith said without any sign of emotion. She looked at her watch. It was only 6 p.m.

"I think I will leave now. There is much we have to think about but I want you to know that you can call me any time you want."

Meredith was disappointed. Nonetheless there had been some hope inside her that Addison would tell her that she loved her too. She knew it was foolish but sometimes love is crazy.

"Hm. Maybe it's the best."

After exchanging numbers they hugged goodbye. Exhausted and desperate Meredith went back into the living room. She sat down at the spot where Addison had sat some minutes ago.

After a short knock Izzie's head appeared in the crack of the living room door.

"Can I come in?"

"Mhm."

When Izzie saw Meredith's sad look she knew what must have happened. Quickly she went over to her on the couch and with big questioning eyes she looked at her.

"What happened?"

Meredith continued staring at the wall and in a monotonous voice she answered.

"I told her about my feelings and she didn't say much. She hugged me and then went away. She said she needed some time to think things over."

Izzie felt sorry for her but as it sounded there was still a slight chance. It wouldn't be for Izzie's positive attitude to life if she didn't find a good thing in the just happened.

"Hey, that doesn't sound too bad." She tried to cheer her up.

"Where exactly did you find the non-bad part?" Meredith commented sarcastically. Pulling her knees up to her chin and wrapping her arms around her legs she looked at Izzie.

"She didn't say no, did she?"

"Yep."

"And she didn't say yes, did she?"

"Yes, but what's your point? I already told you." Meredith knew Izzie was trying to help but she was not in the mood for a guessing game.

"I knooooooow." Rolling her eyes Izzie smiled.

"So she said she needed some time to think things over. Did she tell you which things?"

Meredith closed her eyes. "No." Thinking about it again she added. "She said I could call her any time I want to."

Izzie beamed with excitement. "Uuuuh, that doesn't sound that bad."

"You think so? I don't know. I am feeling awful. I shouldn't have told her. Now I can't even look her in the eye at work. My life is getting worse and worse. I must have done something terribly wrong to be that punished."

"Oh come on Mer. It's not the end of the world and I think that you did great. You told her and that surely takes a lot of courage. Let her think things over and don't rush her."

Izzie wasn't sure if she was any help at all but she had a feeling that things could still work out fine.

"I will. And the weirdest thing is, I don't even know for sure if I am in love with her. What if I am wrong? What if I am so desperate that my heart is fooling me? What if everything is turning against me?"

"Now just hold your breath for one minute. Why should your heart fool you? You heart has no brain. Where were you when that topic was due in Med School? Hearts have no brains and so they don't think about their feelings. They just do and so…trust yours, for god's sake."

Meredith had to giggle at Izzie's weird explanation.

"You are crazy but I really feel better now." With a big sigh she got up and walked to the window. "I just hope that it won't take too long because otherwise I am going nuts here."

"Does what take long?" Izzie asked confused.

"Till Addison talks to me again or whatever she has to think about." Deep down Meredith still hoped that it would turn out great. As hard as she tried to avoid that thought it remained and burned like acid in an open wound.

-------------------------------

At the same time Addison was sitting in her car, not being able to drive away. Her knees where too shaky and her thoughts were going like crazy through her head. What had just happened?

"Meredith…in love with me?" She exhaled audibly and laid her head on the stirring wheel.

"Why am I even caring so much about her? I hardly know her." Another sigh escaped her mouth.

Again she thought of her time in Med School. She had been in love with women now and then but it had never occurred to her that others could fall in love with her. Thinking back the feeling returned and she tried to compare it to her relationship with Derek and Mark. Diving into her experiences she had to admit that she hadn't even come close to the calmness and easy going feeling when she was with Meredith.

Addison shifted in her seat. Her mind was a big puzzle and she needed to become aware of her own situation. Slowly driving away she still tried to think it over rationally which was nearly impossible. She compared her feelings back in Med School with those for Derek and she realized that she couldn't really have been in love with him. It was great to be with him because he was a kind man and great to talk too. The sex. She liked it, enjoyed it. But she had no comparison to sex with women.

"WHY does shitty things always happen to me???" She shouted out. Furious she brought the car to a halt at a red traffic light.

"Let's stay focused." She talked to herself. The lights turned green and slowly she continued her drive homewards.


	18. Life goes on

Lexie was running through the hospital corridors in search of Meredith. She had been trying to talk to her over and over again but Meredith either had been working on a patient or had been in such a bad mood that not even her closest friends had a chance to reach her.

"Dr. Bailey." Lexie stopped next to Bailey who was leaning against a wall and going through some charts. She finished reading and slowly looked up.

"What's the matter, Grey?" Bailey hated nothing more than being interrupted by interns that weren't even hers.

"I've been looking for Dr. Grey all over the place but I can't find her. I need her because I have a high risk patient and I don't know what to do." Lexie stated apologetically.

Annoyed Bailey rolled her eyes and asked enervated. "Did you page her?"

Lexie blushed and shook her head. "No. I thought we were only allowed to page if it was an emergency."

"You just told me that you have a high risk patient. So that's an emergency if you ask me." Dr. Bailey opened her charts and continued studying them, ignoring Lexie who wished that the earth would open up beneath her feet.

"Thank you." Embarrassed she took out her pager and sent a quick page to Meredith.

A few minutes later both of them met in front of the patient's room.

"What happened? Why did you page me?" Meredith asked out of breath. She hated her responsibility and she wished she had never taken over these interns. The struggle in her personal life and the work and everything started to debilitate her.

"Mr. Skinner in there. His blood pressure won't go down and I couldn't find anybody to help."

Anxious she studied Meredith's pale face. There was no sign of emotional reaction. She just nodded and went in. Lexie followed her, confused and frightened. It didn't take long and Mr. Skinner was on the road to recovery, thanks to Meredith's experience and calmness. Lexie was ashamed because she should have known what to do. It was too late and walking behind Meredith she tried to start a conversation.

"I am sorry. I should have known what to do. I was so confused and being all alone in there didn't help."

Meredith stopped and turned around. "It's okay. Where are Wentworth and Fisher? Still in the OR?"

For a moment Lexie was too irritated by Meredith's change of topic. "Ah…yes, no….yes, I think they are still down there."

"Good. Come with me. You can help me deal with a cancer patient. He refuses to eat and my patience has already gone down the drain. Maybe you can take over?"

With pleading eyes Meredith looked at Lexie who didn't know what to think about the situation. They hadn't been talking that much since the day they had met.

"I will." Lexie paused and after some seconds she decided to ask.

"Dr. Grey. Do you have plans for lunch today?"

Meredith felt ill. She didn't want to deal with another issue at the moment and definitely not with a family one.

"I don't know yet." She sighed and sat down on the floor. Lexie sat next to her.

"Are you okay?"

"No, I am not okay. I am everything but okay, okay?" Meredith shouted at Lexie.

"Woha, somebody is in a bad bad mood today." George slumped down right next to her. He stretched his legs and sighed.

"Seriously. What's the matter with you people? Don't you have your own problems?" Steamed up about all the questioning and moaning she jumped to her feet.

"Mer, hey, take it easy. You know, you are not the only one around here with problems. Callie and…" George interjected.

"I give a damn shit about…" Meredith couldn't finish her sentence. Swaying and seeing more stars and sparkles in front of her eyes than a normal picture she tried to hold on to something and grabbed Lexie's knee.

"Meredith, are you okay?" Lexie asked with fear in her eyes.

"Yes, sure. I'll go and lie down for some minutes if you could take over my patient. I'll meet you at lunch in the Cafeteria, okay?" As fast as the dizziness had come it had vanished.

Lexie was at a loss. She didn't know why Meredith had made up her mind but lucky enough she had.

George just looked at both of them and shook his head. Why did nobody ever listen to him? Disappointed he got up and after a short "Goodbye" he headed off towards the free clinic. Callie had to be there somewhere.

Tired Meredith made her way to the on-call room. Even if it was for interns she found it more comfortable than the rooms that were reserved for residents. She laid down and fell asleep immediately.

In the meantime George had reached the free clinic and taking a deep breath he stepped in.

"Ah, there you are. Do you have a minute?" She was sitting on a bed, her feet dangling and her eyes closed. At George's voice she opened them and gave him a sad and annoyed look.

"Sure. What's the matter?"

"Not in here. I've been thinking some things over and I wanted to get your opinion." George couldn't wait to tell Callie his news and it was hard to stay calm and without any emotions.

"Whatever." Disappointed Callie led the way to an empty closet. "There." She nudged him in and closed the door behind her.

"Sit down, please." George pushed her onto a pile of sheets.

"What's that all about?" Callie asked with a suspicious look.

"I've been thinking about our talk and how important a baby is too you. I have to admit. I am really scared but I think I can handle it. So, I am ready to give it a try."

Shaky he stared at Callie and awaited her reaction. Callie didn't know what to say or think. She didn't even know if she hadn't misunderstood him.

"Are you sure?" With big eyes and full of anticipation she clung to George's lips.

"Yes. Yes, I am. I gave it a LOT of thoughts. Believe me. But I want you to be happy and I will be happy too."

Callie couldn't believe her ears. "George, that's the best thing you've ever told me."

"The best?" George pouted. "Telling you that I loved you and that I wanted to marry you doesn't count?"

"Oh George. You know what I mean." She jumped up and threw her arms around George and before he knew what had happened they were lying in each other's arms, kissing.

"When do you think is the right time to start trying?" George asked after regaining his breath.

"Hm…let me think." Doing some period math she finally smiled at him. "We could start in three days, I guess. But I'll buy some ovulation tests on my way home. Uhhh, I am so exited. Gosh, think about it George. In a year from now we already could be parents."

"Yeah." George grinned. Still not entirely sure about his decision he had to get used to it. But he also didn't want to risk his marriage by telling her his doubts. Instead he pretended being as happy as she. Maybe the pregnancy germs reached him too soon.

-----------------------------------

"Hey, over here."

Lexie waved and after some seconds Meredith got the sign. With her tablet in one hand and her drink in the other one she made her way to the table. Yawning she sat down everything and slumped into the chair.

"How are you?"

"I am fine. Thank you for taking over my patient." Meredith started to eat.

"No problem. Over all you are my sister. Okay, half sister."

She stopped. What was she doing? It was definitely not the best to start over the conversation with THIS topic. Cursing at herself she tried to take another direction. But Meredith had already answered.

"Hm. Let me tell you something about me. Family doesn't mean anything to me. Never had one." Taking another bite she stared at her plate full of noodles. "Gosh, those taste like sponge." Disgusted she pushed it away from her and took a sip of orange juice.

"I…I don't want to…I mean. We don't have to be family." Lexie gulped. "I just want you to not hate me." Finally it was out in the open. Full of expectation she looked at Meredith.

"I don't hate you as long as you don't get in my way with family issues. No, not only family issues but any kind of problem."

In silence Lexie finished her meal and without saying a word she left the table. Meredith sighed. She felt like digging a hole and hide in there till everything was sorted out.


	19. Making decisions

"Hey Joe."

Meredith sat down on one of the bar stools. Another day of waiting had gone by and Addison hadn't talked to her so far. She hadn't even seen her.

"Hey you, hard day?" Joe placed a glass of water in front of her. "On the house." He smiled.

Meredith laughed a fake laugh. "Ha, ha, funny Joe. Give me something that totally knocks me out." Frustrated she propped her elbows on the bar and buried her head in the palms of her hands.

"Oh, I get the message."

Joe headed off and after a few seconds he returned with two shots of Tequila. Without a word he placed them in front of Meredith and looked at her questioningly.

"It's nothing. Just work."

She emptied both glasses in one and sighed. Half an hour and five shots later nothing had changed. Meredith was still feeling awful.

"Hey, Joe." With a blurry look and a slur in her voice she waved the bartender over to her.

"No, you had enough. Tomorrow you will thank me for stopping you drink that stuff." Concerned he pointed at the seven empty glasses.

"Noooh, I don't wanna have another drrringg." Meredith pouted. "Come over. Sit here with me." She patted the seat right next to her. "I need to talk to you."

He gave her an ambiguous smile. "You can talk to me but I still have to serve my customers. So I'll be standing right here and you talk, okay?"

"Whadevver." Meredith waved approvingly with her right hand.

"So Joe, you have a boyfriend, don't you?"

Joe didn't feel too comfortable to talk about his private life with a nosy customer.

"Yes, I have. But I don't wanna talk about this in the open. You see. That's my private life." He was just turning around when Meredith grabbed his arm, pulled him close and whispered.

"I thinggg I am in love with a….a woman."

She gave him one of her innocent smiles and giggled.

"Isn't that funny? I…love…a…woman."

And suddenly it hit her. What was she doing? Damn Tequila. With big and fearful eyes she stared at Joe.

"Oh my god. What am I doing here?" In shock she covered her eyes with her hands. "Joe, what did I just say?"

Joe didn't know what had gotten into Meredith and was as much in shock as she herself. "What the hell are you talking about Meredith? You? In love with a woman? What about McDreamy and McSteamy and all your Mc's there in the hospital?"

"Oh…what have I done?" Confused and still in shock she got up and slowly walked to an empty table in a dark corner of the bar. Joe followed her out of the corners of his eyes.

Meredith was at the brink of crying. Why had she even started that conversation?

"Damn Tequila." With these words she hit her fist hard against the table. "Damn, damn, damn." Feeling tired and helpless she just sat there. She didn't even know how much time had gone by when Joe came over and sat down. She took a look around her and saw that she was the last customer. What time was it?

"Hey you." Joe nudged her.

"Hey. What time is it?"

"Nearly four in the morning." Joe studied her. Her eyes were tired and glassy and she seemed even more fragile as she normally was.

"Gosh, Joe. What am I gonna do?" She leaned back and stared at him.

"I don't know Meredith. Is it true? What you told me? Are you really in love with a woman?"

Painfully Meredith had to admit that if she had to talk her situation over she couldn't have found a better guy.

"Yeah, you heard right. And now my world is upside down and everything is moving on so fast and I can't keep track with it."

Again she remained silent and after a few seconds of thinking Joe tried to find a suitable answer.

"That's never easy. But as long as you are positive about it it's nothing to be afraid of. And even if you are not you will work it out." He paused.

"I think I've already worked it out. Not the whole thing of course. But the problem is not me. It's the other woman. She's just a friend of mine and nothing more."

A tear escaped Meredith's eyes and Joe realized how serious the situation was.

"Does she know?"

"Yes." Meredith sniveled. "I told her but she went away. She said she had to think things over."

Joe was deep in thoughts. He really wanted to help her but there was nothing in particular he could have done.

"Have you fallen in love with women before?" He tried another way.

"No. Never. Seriously. And now? Look at me. I can't even think like a normal person. My head is such a mess and every time I see her my head feels like a big fluffy cloud. How did you know that Walter was gay?"

He smiled at her. "He wasn't till he met me."

Meredith's mouth gaped open. "What?"

"Yes, it was pretty much the same as with you. I didn't know if I had a chance or not. I just had the feeling that it could really work out and so I tried."

Joe was in his element and with a smile on his face he thought back at the time he had fallen in love. Meredith slowly started to open up because she desperately wanted to know what she could actually do. Maybe Joe had some good tips for her.

"How did you know? Did you know yourself that you were gay?"

She couldn't wait to hear the whole story and clung to his lips as if her life depended on it.

"I kind of always knew. I tried it with a woman once but it just didn't felt right. There is something called gaydar."

Meredith looked at him confused. "Gay…what?"

"Gaydar. It's like a radar. You can locate gay people because it's said they give off some kind of gay vibes. Sounds stupid, I know."

Joe yawned and smiled at her.

"Yeah, it does. So, everybody who is gay has that … that thing? That means I am not."

She sighed. That was more complicated than she ever thought.

"No, you don't have to have it and you don't have to be gay to have it. For me it works. I can tell if a man is gay or not or if he is willing to give it a try. Many don't know for themselves till you don't dip their noses directly into it."

Meredith was at a loss. She listened carefully and tried to find some similarities. But there hardly were any. Neither she knew if she were gay or bi and nor she knew if Addison was. Gosh, everything was getting so complicated. Thoughtful she remained silent and Joe continued.

"The only thing I can tell you. Give it a try. It sounds horrible, I know. But you have a fifty-fifty chance. And maybe this is the love of your life and you haven't even considered it as an option. It hurts badly. I know what I am talking about because I've already fallen in love with really straight guys and yeah…but you will survive it, no matter what. If you think you have a real chance then go for it. Most of the time you really have because would you even consider thinking about it if you didn't get those signs?"

Meredith shook her head. She had to think a lot of things over.

"Yes, she is giving me some signs but girls are used to this behavior. They kiss and hug without actually being in love."

"Have seen it, yes. Before I forget to ask. Do I know her?"

Joe realized that he hadn't asked her about the name of the other woman and was now curios. Meredith didn't want to tell him. It just didn't felt right.

"I don't wanna say. What if everything is getting more and more difficult the more people know about it?"

"Maybe, yes."

Joe knew what she was talking about but to him everything was not that catastrophic. He was used to this life and there was not much that really scared him.

"I have to go. My shift starts in an hour. Gosh, I don't know how I will survive all of this. Thank you so much for talking to me and please promise that you won't talk to anybody about this."

Joe grabbed her arm before she got up.

"Take your time and try to be honest to her and to yourself."

She nodded and confused, tired and scared she went out of the bar.

The following days work was crazy. There was not one minute to rest or sit down. It seemed as the whole world had decided to become sick. Restless Addison hurried from one room in the other and back. She hadn't even found time to think about her talk with Meredith, which bothered her the most. She knew she had to figure out her situation but either she was at work or she was so tired that the moment her head hit the pillow she fell asleep.

"Hey, Addison. Do you have a minute?" Derek's head appeared in the crack of the incubator room door. "It's important."

Surprised she turned around. "Ah, yes. Just give me one minute." She rechecked the baby's vitals and slowly walked out to Derek.

"What's the matter?" She didn't know yet what she should think about his showing up. But she was too tired to give it a second thought.

"I need to talk to you about Meredith. It's really important."

Addison couldn't believe her ears. "I beg your pardon?"

"Meredith. It seems as you too are getting along very well." He eyed her from one side and pulled her over to the coffee machine. "On the house." With these words he handed her a cup of coffee.

"Thanks. What about Meredith? Before you start. It's crazy busy so if I get interrupted I have to go."

Derek looked at her. "Sure. I am a doctor myself. So I guess I know what this means."

"If you take this road I' m not interested in listening to you talk. I have too much on my side." Getting angry she gave him a warning look.

"Okay, okay. Calm down. I don't wanna fight again. We've done a pretty good job on that and it's enough. So, the only reason I asked you is because I am still in love with her and I don't know how to reach her."

Addison couldn't believe her ears. Why on earth would Derek ask her? Her, his ex-wife.

"Don't you think I am the wrong person to talk to?" She answered sarcastically.

"I don't think so. I don't want to pick up another fight. I've eyes and I saw you two getting along pretty well. I also overheard Izzie talking about you visiting."

Addison still wasn't sure what to think about and what he had actually heard. Right that moment it would have been a good time for the pager to go off. But no, every time it should it didn't. Murphy's law was working too well for her.

"Okay. What do you want? Do you want me to tell her that you are still in love with her?"

Derek ran his fingers through his hair. He was a mess.

"Maybe."

"Are you kidding me?" Furious Addison jumped up.

"Hey, okay. Calm down. But do you, by any chance, know what she's talking about me?"

Desperately he looked at her.

"We've never talked about you and she hadn't mentioned you so far. That's all I can tell you. Let her go. She doesn't want to be with you. Don't you see it? She is o v e r you and that means you shouldn't get under her again."

Addison had to smile at her own wordplay.

"Derek. Start your own life. We had our chance and so did you and Meredith. It didn't work out."

Derek didn't answer. Depressed he leaned back and stared into his coffee mug. "Damn shitty love thing."

Addison turned around. She had enough of the conversation. Derek was an adult and he had to figure out his life by himself.

-----------------------------------

It was Sunday and Addison was sitting at the bar at Joe's. There was nothing on her appointment calendar and she hadn't been in the mood for being alone. Ordering another drink her mind wandered to Meredith. She hadn't talked to her since Tuesday and she was missing her. Staring into the distance she didn't hear Joe ask her if she wanted another drink. It took three tries to get through to her.

"Addison. Hello?! Another drink?"

With a blurry look she raised her head and stared at Joe. "What?"

"What is it with you hospital people that you always seem miles and miles away. I asked you if you wanted another drink."

Addison nodded and watched Joe preparing her drink. He shortly looked up when Walter entered the bar. Addison followed his view absent minded.

"There you go. But don't overdo yourself. Last time Meredith nearly drank herself under the table." Joe giggled.

Addison suddenly was awake. "Who?" She nearly choked on her drink.

"Meredith. You know her. She works at…"

"I know who she is." Addison interrupted him.

Joe gave her a questioningly look and busy as always he continued serving his customers. Addison felt awful. She had a clue why Meredith was such a mess and the reason was she, Addison Montgomery. Again her mind drifted off and she wished that she could be sure about her feelings, that she could say yes to Meredith and look at her everyday. But there were so much more things to think over. She definitely had feelings for Meredith but what to do with them? Were they even real? Or was it just the calmness and peace she had when she was with her? Addison's mind was still far away when she caught a glimpse of Walter and Joe. Did he just embrace him or were her eyes already playing a trick on her? Alerted she continued observing them and after some minutes she was pretty sure. They had to be together. Surprised she stared at them.

Addison's staring and watching didn't go unnoticed by Joe. He walked over to her.

"Hey you. What do you think about him?" Joe pointed at Walter who was talking to a customer.

"Ahm, what, why?" Addison felt hot and she knew that her face had to be as red as a tomato.

"Walter. My boyfriend. What do you think about him?" Joe liked to confront people who were staring and he made no exception with her.

Addison didn't know what to say and shrugged her shoulders. Joe bent down to her and whispered. "Don't take it as an offence but I just hate it when people are staring at us."

"I was not. I am okay with that all I just didn't know." She felt embarrassed. "I am sorry."

Joe looked at her and having already mentioned Meredith their conversation popped into his mind.

"It's okay." He smiled. "Do you mind asking you a question? It's for a friend of mine."

Addison nodded. "Sure. And..sorry again. I won't do it anymore. I've learned my lesson."

"So, now that you know that I have a boyfriend…some days ago a friend of mine told me that she has fallen in love with a woman and that she doesn't know how to tell."

Confused Addison stared at him. "Why are you asking me? I am not gay. At least I don't think so."

"What?" Joe asked puzzled.

Addison felt sick. What the hell was going on with her?

"Nothing." She mumbled.

"Nothing? That's nothing? You are thinking about being in love with a woman and it's nothing for you? Gosh, I really don't understand you. But back to my question. Still okay to ask, isn't it?"

Addison only nodded.

"She told me that girls are used to that kissing and hugging stuff. Is that true?"

"Joe, over here. A drink please."

Slightly annoyed by the interruption he turned to Addison. "Sorry. Will be back in a minute."

Addison was left alone and her insides were aching. What was she doing here? Shouldn't she be lying in bed, figuring out her own life? Instead she was sitting at a filthy bar, helping to figure out someone else's life.

Joe returned after some minutes and continued. "So, where was I?"

"You were talking about hugging and kissing among girls."

"Ah, right. So. She told me that her friend knows that she is in love with her and she still does those things. Would you do this if you knew but weren't in love?" Joe stopped and Addison's mind went crazy.

"It was Meredith, wasn't she?" Addison asked with a dry voice and stared into Joe's eyes.

"How do you.." He paused and suddenly it deemed. "Oooh…"

"You are right. I shouldn't have done this to her." Totally confused and full of agony she slowly started to realize what had just happened.

Joe looked at her with a smile. "I think you are the only one who knows the answer but I can tell you that she is definitely in love with you."

"I know." Addison's insides churned. Joe was at his way back to his work place but she stopped him. "Joe, please. Help me out here. What would you do?"

Joe turned around. "Me? I don't know about your feelings and so I cannot decide."

"How did you know that you were in love with him?" She pointed to Walter.

"That was easy. I felt calm and relaxed every time I was with him and we would talk for hours and hours not realizing how much time had gone by. I had to think at him constantly and…"

Addison got up. "I have to tell her."

"What? What?" Joe was taken aback by her sudden leaving.

"I wanna give it a try. My life is messed up enough so it won't hurt to try it." Addison smiled back at him. She felt light and happy at the thought of telling her.


	20. Too late?

**THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR REVIEWS!!!!! I enjoy writing this story so much!!!**

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Nervous Addison wiped her hands at her jacket. She had been standing in front of Meredith's house for about fifteen minutes.

"_You can do this." _

Again she tried to focus on her feelings deep inside. She tried to imagine seeing Meredith, holding her hand and touching her hair again. At all those thoughts a warmth spread through her body and she just knew that she would be okay with her decision. Taking a deep breath she leaned forward and rang the doorbell. The sound was terrifying but she forced herself to remain calm. She nearly jumped when the door suddenly opened and Izzie looked at her with a puzzled look.

"Hello Addison." Already wearing her Snoopy pajamas and slippers she looked like she had already been in bed.

"I am sorry. Is it a bad time? I am here for…" Addison tried to compose herself. "I am here to talk to Meredith. Is she here?"

Getting chilly Izzie shifted from one foot to the other.

"No, she's still at the hospital doing her night shift. Gosh you should have seen her. Tired is no expression." Giggling she wrapped her arms around her body. "But I can give her a message if you want."

Addison's mind was not the only one that went round and round in circles. Izzie's nearly went crazy and not being able to talk almost killed her.

"No, it's okay. I'll talk to her tomorrow."

Slightly disappointed Addison said goodbye and went back to her car. It had taken all her strength to take this step and not meeting Meredith troubled her. What if this was a sign to not tell her? What if it was the wrong decision?

-----------------------------------

Meredith looked at her watch. It was nearly midnight and despite her twelve-hour sleep the previous night she felt like she hadn't been sleeping for a week. Again she tried to focus on the patient they were operating on.

"Clamps."

Derek demanded and Meredith handed them to him. She tried not to look at him and fixed the monitor above the operating table. It was a routine OP but still she wished she wasn't here. Not knowing that she had to scrub in on one of Derek's operations she had been lying in the on-call room and thinking at Addison. The more she hated the fact that she had to be with Derek in the same room and his staring at her didn't improve the situation.

"Dr. Grey, you can close."

At the mentioning of her name she returned to reality and taking the needle she pushed away all distracting thoughts and feelings. Despite Derek eying her very closely she remained surprisingly calm. After having finished the last stitch she immediately stepped back, awaiting the sign to leave. Her only goal was not to run into Derek.

Standing in front of the sink she tried to be as fast as possible. Yawning and swaying she sat down for a moment.

"_Gosh, don't be such a chicken."_ She forced herself to stand up again and the second she wanted to leave Derek entered the room.

"Meredith, please wait." Still wearing the OP scrubs and face mask he tried to stop her.

Pretending not having heard him she closed the door behind her and exhaled. Because of the late hour only a few nurses and doctors were walking through the corridors and feeling empty she headed to the coffee machine. Stretching and yawning she let herself fall into the next chair and not even having touched the coffee she was fast asleep.

-----------------------------------

"Mer. Hey, come on."

Christina tried to awake her but as it seemed awaking a dead person would have been an easier task. After five minutes she grabbed Meredith's hands and pulled her up. Finally it worked. Meredith's eyes fluttered open and scared and totally puzzled she gazed into the bright light.

"What, where…?"

She tried to stand straight and with some difficulties she managed to sort out where she was and whom she was talking to.

"Ah, Christina." Rubbing her eyes she straightened out her scrubs. "What time is it?"

"Six in the morning. My shift just started. Gosh, what the hell is wrong with you? Others are working and you are sleeping all through your shift. I can't believe it."

Christina didn't know for what she should be mad in the first line. Meredith not having talked to her within the last few weeks or the lack of her responsibility.

"What? Why? I've slept all the way through my shift. Oh my god." Meredith's mind nearly went crazy. "Why did nobody wake me?"

Sarcastically Christina looked at her. "Maybe because awaking a dead would have been an easier job."

Meredith felt uneasy. Something was wrong with Christina but whilst thinking she already got the answer.

"What's the matter with you anyway? You are avoiding me completely. You tell me I am all work. I told you that for me making friends is wrong. But no!! Miss Perfect says one has to talk and connect. Not Christina Yeng."

Glaring at Meredith she awaited an answer.

"We talk." Meredith knew it was not truthful but her head was aching and her left foot was still sound asleep.

"No, we don't. But it seems as you have more important things on your mind. Derek things."

She pulled her pager off her pants and started playing with it.

"Christina, I…" She broke off in mid-sentence, staring down the hallway.

Christina followed her view and her eyes fell on Addison who was heading towards them. Looking back at Meredith she immediately knew what was going on.

"Ah, you don't need me anymore. Okay. I'll step aside." Angry and disappointed she turned around and headed off.

Meredith was at the brink of going crazy. She wanted to stop Christina but at the same time she wanted to meet Addison.

"Good morning Meredith."

Addison smiled at her. Finally she had found her. The previous night had been horrible and every minute she had to think at Meredith. How she would tell her and what reaction she would possibly get.

"Morning." Meredith had a lump in her throat. She didn't know how to act because she hadn't heard from her in almost a week.

Insecure Addison took a look around her. In her mind she had been braver. Screwing up all her courage she took Meredith's hands.

"Sorry for taking so much time to think things over."

Meredith felt like she would burst with tension.

"Do you have time to talk? I came in earlier." Addison asked, still frightened.

"I…my shift…I…what time is it?"

"I think your night shift is already over." Addison grinned.

"Ah…yes. Christina…she said so." Blushing and not knowing what to say she just stared into Addison's blue eyes. Gosh, what if everything was just a dream?

"So you have time to talk?"

"Yes." Meredith was a nervous wrack and after having found an empty closet she completely lost her nerves. Shaking and feeling sicker than ever before she tried to relax.

"Breathe, breathe." She ordered herself.

Meredith's discomfort didn't go unnoticed by Addison and concerned she sat down besides her.

"Are you okay?" She put a hand on Meredith's lower back.

"No…I am…not." Heavy breathing she tried to focus on not throwing up. "My nerves…gosh."

Addison didn't know what to do and continued her rubbing. After some minutes Meredith nodded.

"I think I'm okay."

"Okay. So, I have given our talk a lot of thought." She felt hot and looking at Meredith's pale face didn't make it any easier.

"It was wrong telling you. I just couldn't keep it in." Meredith answered.

"No, you did great telling me because I love you too."

Meredith didn't know if she had heard right.

"What?"

Addison smiled and calmly repeated her sentence. "I love you too. It took me some time to realize it but it's definitely love."


	21. Timetables

Meredith didn't know if she was dreaming. She was incapable of moving let alone talking.

"Meredith?" Addison slightly touched her hands. "Are you alright?"

Meredith slowly turned her head and looked at Addison's bright smile. And after some seconds she started to realize what had happened. The only wish was to hold Addison tight and never let go. Reaching for her free hand she burst into tears. Tears of relieve and exhaustion.

Addison was startled by this outburst of emotions. She pulled Meredith close and embraced her in a strong and loving hug, stroking her hair like she had done it some days ago. She felt Meredith's hot and shaking chest against hers and felt secure. For the first time in her life she had no doubts whether she should risk it or not, whether she should try a new start or hold on to her old life. Everything she ever wanted to feel was right here in her arms and feeling Meredith starting to relax she pressed a kiss on her cheek. It was wet and salty and pulling back a few inches she looked into Meredith's tearstained face, her tired eyes and smiling mouth. Wiping some wet strands off her forehead she smiled.

"I love you so much. I thought I'd die seeing you each day and not…"

She was cut short by Addison placing a light kiss on her lips. Pulling back, awaiting Meredith's reaction she smiled.

"Thank god you found your voice again."

Addison held her closer and her hands wandered up and down Meredith's back. She felt every muscle and bone beneath the palms of her hands. Could anything in the world feel better? Closing their eyes both leaned in for another kiss and within one moment everything vanished. The only sensations were their locked lips, their bodies pressed against each other and their hands finding their own ways.

Meredith was the first to break the embrace. With flushed cheeks she held Addison an arm length away from her.

"I can't believe we are actually doing this."

Laughing she hugged her again. Fatigue and exhaustion were slowly overcoming Meredith and resting her head against Addison's shoulder she felt right. Again tears started to roll down her face. This time not because of fear but of the overwhelming situation which was enrolling in front of her. Addison squeezed her tight and after some minutes both sat down, hands still entwined.

"Wow."

"Wow, yes. So what are we gonna do now? I mean, this means you are going to try this with me?" Meredith asked.

"Yes. Definitely. Everything is too overwhelming for me right now and it needs some time to sink in. That's what I can tell you for sure. I've never ever given that possibility one tini tiny thought." With both hands she brushed her hair back and reality started to return.

"Falling in love with me?"

"Yes. And the fact that we are both women."

Meredith knew exactly what she was talking about and nodding along the only thought that crossed her mind was how Derek would react.

"And that we both used to date the same man." Meredith added.

"Hm. I know."

Both didn't know where to start and how to continue. The only sensation that remained was the feeling of complete happiness.

Meredith was the first to talk again. "When does your shift end?"

Looking at her watch Addison's eyes became wide.

"Gosh, it already started half an hour ago. Bailey is going to kill me."

Meredith couldn't help laughing. "We are the worst staff members ever." She leaned against Addison and closed her eyes.

Burying her nose in Addison's hair she dreamily exhaled.

"I just love your scent of shampoo and hospital." Taking another deep breath she forlornly added. "Why do you have to leave?"

Twirling one long strand between her fingers she pleadingly looked into Addison's eyes.

"I would love to stay here with you." Taking a quick look around her she immediately changed her mind. "Not here, of course, but…"

Meredith laid her forefinger on Addison's lips and another kiss found its way.

"I really have to leave." Entangling herself from Meredith's embrace she reached for the door handle.

"My shift will be over by midnight. I hate leaving you but patients don't wait."

"My next shift starts at midnight." Meredith answered disappointed. "We have to meet again as soon as possible. I'm gonna burst and I can't hide that smile. Everybody just HAS to notice."

Addison smiled at her. "That's a good thing, isn't it?"

"Not if you were all moody and grumpy within the last weeks."

Embarrassed she shook her head in self-criticism. Addison had already reached for the door handle a second time when Meredith pulled her back.

"I HAVE to know when I'll meet you again. My shift ends at six tomorrow evening."

"And mine starts there. Gosh, what the hell…" Addison cursed.

Meredith tried to find a suitable solution and her mind did overwork.

"I'll stay and try to figure out what we can do. Maybe there are possibilities to rearrange our timetables."

Yawning and swaying she again leaned into Addison.

"So you'll be around? Wow. You really must love that hospital." Addison winked.

"Nope, but I love you."

A big grin on her face Addison kissed her again and then opened the closet door. The frenzy of activity outside seemed more than unreal to them and trying to focus they made their way in opposite directions, both of them having an incredible smile on their faces.

----------------------------

"Hey you." Izzie intendedly bumped into George who was leaning against the coffee machine, which was by any means the best friend of nearly every hard working person in the hospital.

"Hm." George nodded.

"Wow, hold back your energy. Living with Callie really has to be a blast."

Izzie commented sarcastically. Filling her cup she leaned right next to him and examined his kind of absent minded gaze.

"Are you okay?" Not sure if he had even heard her she poked him.

"No, I am not okay. Are you happy now?"

Giving Izzie one of his coldest looks he turned around to walk away but Izzie was fast and pulled him back, throwing away her already emptied cup.

"Not with me. We used to be friends, remember? Friends who tell and talk about things. Now, come on, what's going on in here." She pointed at George's chest and head, still holding her other hand tight around his upper arm.

"It's Callie and her baby addiction. Right now she has her…her…you know." He blushed slightly.

Irritated Izzie looked at him. "What?"

With a sigh he tried it another way. "You knooooow. We are supposed to have sex right now because it's the best time and so on."

Izzie giggled. "Ah, yes, you mean ovulation."

"Whatever. I am not good at all that complicated cycle math algebra sinus cosines stuff."

Holding back an outburst of laughter she tried to maintain her serious attitude.

"She is making me crazy with all this baby talk. Baby here, baby there. Our marriage is going down the drain. I don't even wanna have a baby."

Izzie's expression changed within the second. "What? And you didn't tell her?"

"No, she's so over excited and I didn't wanna risk another fight. We've already had enough of those. I kind of told her that I am happy with everyting."

Annoyed and shaky he looked at Izzie.

"Maybe it won't work out at the first try and I have some more time to get used to the thought of becoming a dad."

"What if she does get pregnant the first time round?"

"Honestly? I don't know. I am such a coward."

He hit his free fist against the machine, nearly spilling his coffee all over the place. Izzie laid a hand on his shoulder, not knowing what to say. This part of his life he clearly had to figure out all by himself.

"O'Malley, there are people around here who still wanna have some coffee. So don't take it out on the poor machine."

Christina showed up behind them, stretching and yawning.

"Any news?"

"We were talking about babies."

The second Izzie had finished the sentence she wished herself dead. But it was already too late. In addition George gave her a killing look and hit her hard against the shinbone.

"Ouch!"

"I don't want the whole hospital to talk about babies." George commented his action.

"What the hell is going on with you two? And…great news! So you're gonna be a daddy soon? I've already overheard Callie talking to Addison about birthing methods."

Enjoying George's facial expression going from anxiety to horror she finished her coffee.

"Christina, how can you?" Izzie tried to defuse the situation but it was too late and George furiously stomped away. "George, wait."

Izzie turned back to a smiling Christina. "You are evil. How can you do such terrible things?"

"Don't know. It's fun. Anyway, it's not the first time he got teased."

"That doesn't give you the right to behave like an elephant in the glassware store."

Christina finished her coffee and stared at Izzie. "I got stood up enough and today is not my day. So please, just back off with your '_peace and love for everyone'_ crap."

With these harsh words she also took off.

At Christina's last words Izzie had frozen in her seat and it took some time for her to realize what had happened.

"Wow. Today is not a good day to ask questions."

----------------------------

Meanwhile Meredith was sitting in the locker room, comparing timetables, not knowing how to rearrange their shifts. The only night on which both of them would be free would be on the sixth of October. She looked at the calendar. Today was the second and waiting for another four days simply seemed impossible. Again she tried to rearrange Izzie's and her shifts but this would have meant that not only Izzie's but also Alex's and Christina's shifts had to be moved around. Leaning back against her locker she closed her eyes. She was too happy to become depressed again and slowly the thought of being in a relationship dawned to her. Where was her panic? Why didn't she freak out?

"I am not a relationship person. Everybody says so."

But with Addison everything seemed to be so totally different. She was still able to breathe and she also wasn't going crazy about 'how long will it last?'. It existed and it was a good feeling. Knowing that from now on she wouldn't be out there, trying to find the right person and interpreting every single movement a man made at her.

"A man." She smiled. "Maybe I also should have given women some chances to hit on me."

Giggling at her thoughts she continued comparing their timetables. But even after another hour of trying to figure out the right date she gave up.

Disappointed Meredith left the locker room, trying to hide her more than bright smile. She even managed to find Addison and telling her, the outcome didn't cheer her up either.

"That's just stupid. Isn't there anything we can do?" Addison ruffled her hair.

"Meeting in the closets." Meredith whispered giggling and surreptitiously brushed against Addison's hand. Addison tried to keep some distance because they weren't alone in the room but smiled back mischievously.

"This means I will meet you at the sixth?"

"Looks like it. You can come to my house. Izzie knows." Meredith totally had forgotten to tell Addison about her talking to Izzie. "I hope this is okay with you." She continued speaking in a lowered voice.

Addison hadn't much time to think it over but if Meredith was okay with it why not. "Yes, fine with me."

"Then, see you around. Bye." It took all of both their self controls to leave without even touching

* * *

**I am not a fan of rushing into things so everything that is happening is written the way I feel comfortable with. I know that there are some people out there who would act quicker ( got some reviews) but that wouldn't be possible for me to write. **

** KEEP ON READING AND REVIEWING!!! **


	22. Long way to go

"Hey you." Izzie was standing in the kitchen, working with a countless number of pots and pans.

"Izzie. What are you doing?" With wide eyes Meredith looked at the busy working blonde, her cheeks all flushed and her hair tied up in a knot.

Ripping open a pack of frozen vegetables she answered. "I thought I'm gonna cook something special for us."

"What…why?" Meredith suddenly became hot. Did Izzie already know? No! How could she?

"Nothing in special. I was in the mood for some cooking and I checked your timetable. We both have our evening off…so why not?" Filling a big pot with water she wiped some blonde strands from her forehead.

Relieved Meredith threw her bag onto the next chair and walked over to the kitchen counter. Tired from work she yawned and admiringly she looked at Izzie's cooking energy.

"Aren't you tired at all?"

Whirling around Izzie gave her a bright smile. "I am, but cooking gives me the drugs."

Smiling back Meredith continued observing Izzie's movements while her mind slowly wandered to Addison. How long haven't she seen her? It felt like years. Today was the third and soon the sixth will be there. Relaxed she returned to the present.

"Do you need some help?" She offered.

Izzie turned around, holding in one hand a carrot and the other one a peeler. Her face showed traces from flour and water.

"What?" Still not moving she continued staring at Meredith.

Meredith realized what she had just done and tried to sound disinterested.

"Nothing." She mumbled, hoping that Izzie would leave it and go back to her cooking.

"Nothing? Didn't you just offer me your help?" Finally Izzie started to move again and a big smile spread over her face.

"Hey, you are not moody so far and over all…what did happen?"

And after a short pause a deafening shriek hallowed through the kitchen, followed by flying carrots and Izzie nearly jumping onto Meredith. She grabbed Meredith by her hands and pulled her up, expectantly staring into her eyes.

"What did happen? Did you tell her? Did you meet her? What did she say? Gosh, Mer, what happened?" Whilst talking she non-stop shook Meredith back and forth.

"Izzie, Izzie, hold it!" Meredith shouted out. "You are making me all dizzy and woozy. Gosh, you are the most nosy person I know."

But the big grin on her face showed that she wasn't the slightest bit mad at Izzie.

"Oh come on. Tell me or I'll forget myself and call her."

"You wouldn't." Meredith didn't sound convinced at all. "But I'll spare you this call. I talked to her."

"And?" Izzie clung to every word Meredith said.

"She said she loved me back."

There. It was out in the open and seeing Izzie's big smile she was even happier than only knowing for herself. After an endless session of hugging and squeezing and more of Izzie's shrieks the loud crackle of overboiling soup made them stop. Izzie rushed to the oven and with a loud and ear-shattering clash she threw the whole pot into the kitchen-sink.

"What the hell was that?" Meredith giggled.

"Don't know. I was so overexcited and…" Looking into the sink she giggled. Carrots and noodles were swimming in a sea of soup, detergent and used cutlery. Not giving the mess a second thought she turned back to Meredith.

"So, tell me every single detail." Wiping her wet hands at her kitchen apron she again rushed over to Meredith.

"I will but please finish up this mess. I thought we are going to have a nice and tasty dinner."

Blushing Izzie nodded and continued her cooking. "Are you okay with no soup?"

Laughing Meredith agreed.

"Yesterday morning, I had fallen asleep during my shift and…"

"You were sleeping through your shift? Did Bailey kill you?" Izzie interrupted but immediately stopped talking seeing Meredith's annoyed look.

"Yes I was and Addison came and asked me if I had time to talk. Of course I had. My shift was over and we sat in the linen closet when…"

"Ooooh, the linen closet. I see." Knowingly and giggling Izzie nodded. "Elevators and closets are kind of strange places."

"IZZIE!!" Rolling her eyes she continued. "Anyway, we were sitting in there. Okay, I was hyperventilating. Seriously, my nerves were at the lower end of …of…"

She paused and tried to find a suitable expression.

"You know what I mean. I nearly went crazy, panicked, whatever and Addison didn't know what to do. I again said that I was sorry and then she told me that she loved me too."

"Yeiiii!" Came from Izzie and Meredith smiled at her.

"Yeiii was not the exact thought that went through my head. It was more of a 'what the hell is going on here and where is my brain and what did she just say?' thing. And then…then we kissed."

Meredith blushed slightly but enjoyed telling this part of the story. She couldn't even believe it herself and telling Izzie made everything more realistic.

"You kissed?" Izzie beamed. "Oooh, you kissed, you kissed. So Addison is now your girlfriend?"

Meredith nodded.

"Ah, I am so so happy for you. Do you have any doubts about that? I mean, it's a big change, isn't it?" Izzie didn't want to irritate her but she was too curious.

"It is, but you won't believe it. For the first time I enjoy being in a relationship and I want to be committed. Me, Meredith."

"Yeah, and it seems as if you have to catch up with all the non-talking you've done so far. I haven't heard you talking that much since I know you. I think you haven't even talked that much over all since we've met."

Thoughtful Meredith looked at Izzie. She was right. What the hell did Addison do to her? She was becoming even human.

"Yeah. Don't know. By the way, what are you cooking over there?"

"Wiener Schnitzel. My grandmother taught me how to make it."

"Hm…sounds good. I'll go and change."

"Dinner will be ready in about half an hour. I wanna hear every little detail whilst eating." Izzie smirked.

"But I've already…"

"Nonsense. There are still a lot of questions left. So, hurry."

"Ey, ey Sir." Meredith saluted and laughing she left Izzie's cooking battleground.

----------------------------

"Hey you, you are holding up great."

With a smile Addison put her hands through the apertures at the incubator, stroking the small hands and arms of the baby girl.

"You are getting stronger and stronger. Keep on keeping on!" Like she had done it some days ago she sat down next to the incubator and taking a reassuring look around her she again started to talk.

"So, I told her yesterday. Meredith. I told her that I am in love with her and now she's my girlfriend. Sounds weird, I know and to be honest with you. I am not that comfortable with it. I mean, everything is going to change and…"

"Dr. Montgomery?" A nurse interrupted her and Addison jumped up like stung by bee.

"Yes?"

"I need your help in room 1563. Mrs. Kellerman refuses any treatment but she desperately needs this drip infusion." The nurse leaned at the doorframe, watching Addison's confused behavior.

Addison reached for her stethoscope and followed the nurse, going over convincing reasons for Mrs. Kellerman.

Right before entering the room her view fell on Meredith who was tying up her hair. Taking a quick look at her watch she knew that her morning shift had to start. Still standing in front of the room and watching Meredith the nurse gave a questioningly look.

"Dr. Montgomery? Is something wrong?"

Backtracked to the here and now she shook her head and went into the woman's room, her mind still with Meredith.

"Two days. Only two days." She mumbled.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Oh, nothing. So, what do we have here?" Addison tried to focus on her task but her mind constantly wandered to Meredith.

----------------------------

"_Knock, knock." _

"Come in." The chief raised his head and saw Derek entering his office. "Ah, Dr. Shepherd."

"Good morning." He went over to the chief's desk and shook his hand. "Is it a bad time?"

"No, no. For one of my best surgeons I always have time."

"Thank you, chief. There's something I need to talk to you about."

This sentence captured his full attention and leaning forward he enquiringly awaited Derek's question. Derek took place in one of the comfortable chairs and tried to form his request as short as possible.

"At the moment I have a lot of trouble in my private life and I would need some time off. Time to think about things and…"

The chief interrupted him by raising his hand. Derek stopped dead in his sentence and none of them was talking for some seconds. Then Dr. Webber got around his desk and sat down opposite Derek.

"I don't know what's going on in your life but I have to admit that I can hardly make it without you. You are the only brain surgeon on our staff and losing you for some days could be catastrophic."

"I know." Derek didn't know how to put his plea and remained silent.

"What kind of problems do you have? It's none of my business but if they are huge I could try to get help from another hospital. The consequence for you would be to stay away for more than a week because I can't ask for a new surgeon who only stays for some days."

Derek let the chief's suggestion sink in and going over his problems in his mind he didn't know what to do. More than a week wouldn't be right but maybe it would help to get away from Seattle for some weeks.

Dr. Webber watched Derek think.

"My problems. It's because of Meredith. We broke up and Addison still here doesn't make it any easier."

"Normally I would say that this is no reason for taking a leave of absence."

"I know but…"

"…but you wouldn't ask if it wasn't necessary. Am I right?" The chief smiled at him.

Derek only nodded approvingly and leaned back in his chair.

"How long would I have to take a break if you could hire another surgeon?"

"This is not my decision. It depends on the one I hire." Absent-minded he went over some well-known brain surgeons. It wouldn't be easy to get one on such short notice.

"I'll try to find one. But as long as I haven't you need to stay. I can't risk it."

Derek understood. "Thank you."

"You are welcome. I will let you know as soon as I've found the right substitute for you."

Leading Derek the way out of his office the chief sighed. Did every hospital suffer from those incurable love-hate-relationships?

----------------------------

"Hey you." Meredith approached Addison from behind and wrapped her arms around her. At the unexpected touch Addison jumped a bit but immediately relaxed, leaning back and closing her eyes for a second.

Both their night shifts had just started and being alone in the locker room Meredith couldn't resist the temptation.

"I can't wait till this shift is over." Talking Addison turned around and put her arms around Meredith too.

"When will you come over to my place?" Giving her a fast kiss Meredith smiled.

"I thought that I could come along with you the minute our shift is over."

"That sounds great. Finally some time to talk things over. There is so much I have to tell you."

"Only talking?" Playing the sorehead Addison smirked at her.

Meredith got the message and after taking a quick look around she leaned into Addison for a kiss. Addison couldn't resist this sweet temptation and kissing her back both sank onto the bench right next to them, enjoying their closeness and not noticing the opening door. Suddenly Addison pushed Meredith with a harsh movement off her and jumped up.

"Addison, what…"

But she had already seen him herself. Steven was standing some feet away from them, staring at them.

"Steven, I…" Meredith was at a loss. She didn't know what to say and how to react. Looking at Addison she knew she had to be the one to talk. Addison leaned against a locker, cursing.

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you but I didn't expect you guys in here." He gulped and not knowing what to add he turned around to leave.

"Steven, please wait a second." Meredith had regained her voice and not knowing how to explain or what to say she just asked. "Please don't tell anybody."

Steven didn't show any reaction and closing the door behind him Meredith and Addison turned to each other.

"I don't know if I can manage all this gossip." Addison said monotonously.

"There won't be any gossip. Steven is a great guy and I don't think that he will tell people." Meredith wasn't sure if she was right.

"If you say so." Addison sighed. "We really have to talk about a LOT of things."


	23. Closing the gap

Stretching and yawning Meredith was walking slowly through the empty hospital corridor. It was only two in the morning and she already felt as if she had been working for 48 hours in a row. The four hours that were still lying in front of her seemed like an insuperable obstacle. She sighed, unconsciously running her hand through her hair.

"If there was an award for the most tired resident I would definitely be the first to win it."

She leaned against a wall and closed her eyes for some seconds. Taking a deep breath she tried to motivate herself by thinking at the whole day that lay in front of her. A whole bright and shiny day she would spend with Addison.

A strange noise right next to her made her return to reality. Bewildered and also alarmed she tried to figure out the source of it. But there was nothing to see or hear. Was her mind already playing tricks on her?

"Hey, you." A nurse had just turned into the corridor. Maybe she knew what was going on.

"Me?" She stopped for a second and at Meredith's nod she headed towards her.

"Did you hear that noise too? What was that?"

Right that second the answer came pouring out from under a patients door in the form of water. Meredith and the nurse both immediately rushed to the room and when they opened the door a bizarre scene enrolled itself in front of them. An older woman sitting on the floor, staring into the overflowing toilet bowl. Meredith rushed to her side and pulled her up and at a second look she saw the origin of the mishap.

"I am so sorry. I thought I could grab my wash bag and it just fell into the toilet."

The nurse had already pulled out the bag of the bowl and held the bag, water dripping from it, up in front of them. She and also Meredith had to try hard to fight the laughter that was building up inside.

"We will clean this mess up." Meredith gently touched the woman's arm and led her to a chair by the window. "How did the water flow over the bowl?"

The older woman blushed and mumbled. "I tried to pull it out and leaned against the flushing."

Meredith lost her composure and started to laugh like she hadn't laughed in weeks. The nurse joined in and soon all three of them, one wetter than the other, where standing in a lake of toilette water laughing.

"What's going on in here?" Dr. Bailey's head appeared in the crack of the door and at the sight of all the mess her eyes went big. What the hell was going on in here?

"First of all: Grey, out here. Dr. Montgomery is looking for you all over the place. Why in god's name didn't you answer her message?"

"I…" Meredith went white and pulled her pager off her pants. There was no signal at all. "The batteries…"

"Oh just go. And what the heck is this?" Bailey was now standing in the midst of all the mess, pointing at the nurse and the overflowed toilet. Meredith didn't hear the rest of the conversation. What had happened? Why did Addison page her? Running upstairs to the newborn station she could already make out Addison's figure. Panting she came to a halt right next to her. "Toilet…overflowing...pager…batteries."

At the sound of Meredith's voice Addison swung around. "Meredith, where've you been? I paged you four times. I…" Looking back into the incubator she had to fight the tears.

Meredith was confused. What was going on?

"Why did you page me? What happened? Where are all the other nurses and your interns?"

Addison was showing her back to Meredith who didn't dare to move.

"I am here. What do you need?" Frightened she approached Addison, trying to figure out what had happened.

"They were here. I needed a doctor to help me but there was nobody free. My baby girl, she…" Addison's voice was shaky and thin.

"Your baby girl?" Meredith's mind went wild. What was going on here? Did Addison have a baby? But she said she was infertile?

"No…no…not mine. I mean, she's my patient and I tried everything but I couldn't save her."

Tears were now pouring down Addison's cheeks and her body was shaking. Meredith was on the edge of going crazy. Slowly she got the message what must have happened and slowly reaching for Addison's hand she pulled her back to her.

"Hey, I am sure you did everything you could. And…I…I am so sorry for not being here on time. I…"

Meredith knew she had made a horrible mistake. Looking at Addison and her grief about the baby hurt her so much. The nurses that were in the room were still watching them, not knowing what to do next.

"I have to get out of here. I just can't take this right now." Her crying had stopped and pleadingly she looked at Meredith. "What time is it?"

"It's half past two."

She didn't know what to do next or how to act. Addison was her girlfriend and she couldn't do anything to make her feel better. Right now she hated the fact that they had to play hide and seek in front of the nurses and all the other people. The only thing she wanted to do is being there for her, being a comfort and being in a relationship. Meredith turned to one of the nurses.

"Is there anything to do for Dr. Montgomery right now?"

Totally puzzled the nurse just shook her head.

"Okay. Come on."

Taking Addison's hand she led her out of the nursery, away from her station to the on-call room. Closing the door behind her Meredith pulled her over to one of the free beds and sat down with her. Looking into Addison's eyes she saw pain and grief.

"Why did you say 'my baby girl'?"

Addison didn't move and it seemed as if she hadn't even heard the question. Still shaking she looked at Meredith.

"Please hold me."

Meredith responded by lying back onto the bed and pulling her close to her. Addison rested her head on Meredith's chest and clung to her like a little child. Slowly stroking her back and her hot cheeks Meredith asked again.

"Why did you say that before?"

Finally Addison answered shakily.

"Because she was the one person I told everything. I talked to her about my doubts and joys, my fears and my happiness. She was the one who made me think in a different way about you and about us. I don't even know how to tell the mother."

Another wave of crying rushed over her.

"I am such a mess. I don't want to be strong all the time. I want to have time to relax, to live, to…" She didn't finish the sentence. Meredith had laid her forefinger on her lips and slowly wiped some tears away.

"There is not much time left till our shifts are over. We'll go home and do nothing but relax. A whole new part just started and we are in it together. So I will hold on to you and you will hold on to me. How does that sound?"

Addison's muffled voice sounded like an agreement and propping herself up on her elbows she looked at Meredith.

"Why didn't I see before how kind and loving you can be?"

"I didn't even know myself." Meredith answered honestly.

------------------------------

"Gosh, I thought it would never ever come to an end." Meredith sighed and trying to suppress a yawn she stepped into the house, followed by Addison who wasn't an inch more awake.

"You tell me." Addison smiled and walking into the living room she slumped onto the couch. Leaning in the doorframe Meredith smiled at her. Everything just felt so right.

"What about getting some sleep?"

Addison nodded and with a mixture of happiness, anxiety and grief she grabbed her things and followed Meredith upstairs. There had been too much going on and some sleep couldn't hurt.

"Here is the bathroom." Meredith pointed to the right. "You can leave all your stuff in there. Izzie isn't going to be home till midnight."

Smiling Addison grabbed one of Meredith's hands and pulled her close. "That means we don't have to hide." Trying to sound cheerful she gave Meredith a big and warm hug.

"Nope. We don't have to. And even if Izzie were here we wouldn't have to. She knows."

Smirking she caressed Addison's cheeks and neck down to her shoulders.

"I can't believe we actually made it."

"Me neither."

"And here is my room. Izzie's is this one." She pointed at the door right next to hers."

"It's a great house you have here. Is this all yours?" Addison asked astonished.

"Now it is. I inherited it from my mother who passed away last year."

"I am sorry."

"It's okay. She was very sick and so it was kind of a relief. You may know her name. Ellis Grey."

Whilst talking Meredith had been leading her into the bedroom, closing the door behind her.

Addison's eyes widened. "Yes, I know her. I mean I know her name."

"Hm, nearly everybody does." Unimpressed she looked at Addison.

None of them knew what to do next and so Meredith awkwardly started to undress.

"What are you doing?" Addison had watched every movement.

"I…undress for having a quick shower. Don't you wanna take one too?"

Blushing Meredith threw her jeans at the bed.

"Am I that stinky?" Addison giggled.

"Not at all. You smell like a hospital in heaven?"

"What?" Laughing Addison walked over to Meredith, pulling her hands off the button she just wanted to open and took over. Dumbfounded Meredith let her continue unbuttoning her shirt, feeling excited and scared.

"I mean that's what a hospital in heaven has to smell like." Holding her breath she stared into Addison's eyes and feeling her careful hands working on her shirt she had the feeling as if every second her heart had to jump out of her chest.

"You are beautiful." Addison pulled the shirt off her. Without thinking Meredith reached for Addison's and with one quick move she had pulled it over her head. Letting her fingers wander over Addison's soft skin, trailing them up her arm and along her collarbone she felt Addison's hands wandering up her back, leaving them breathless. Going into a long and warm hug neither Meredith nor Addison wanted to let go and if it hadn't been for Meredith's clattering teeth they probably would have remained in that position the whole night long.

"You are cold." Addison pulled back, giving her the brightest tired smile she could manage to bring out.

"Yes…I am…I…have to take a warm shower. Don't go away." Shaking and only clad in her underwear she grabbed a shirt and rushed to the door.

"How could I? I can't wait to see you again."

Addison looked after her, smiling. The second Meredith had closed the door behind her the smile on Addison's face vanished. Reality hit her hard and slowly she changed into her nightshirt. All the time her mind switched between the joy of being with Meredith and the pain of having lost the baby today. Crawling under the sheets she could hear the sounds of the shower, waiting for her turn.

Ten minutes later Meredith entered the room and surprised by the fact that Addison was already lying in bed she quickly rushed to her side.

"Hey, I am ba…"

Giggling she looked down at the sleeping beauty and carefully to not wake her up Meredith slipped under the covers on the other side of the bed. There were some inches between them and she desperately wanted to close that gab. If only she could make herself move. After ten more minutes of trying and thinking she finally found the courage and spooning Addison she buried her face in a sea of red hair. A feeling of happiness overwhelmed her and shedding some happy tears she slowly drifted off to sleep too.


	24. Sensations

"Hey, Lexie. Do you have a minute?"

Steven eyed into the locker room where Lexie and some other interns just changed into their scrubs. At the mentioning of her name Lexie turned around. Surprised she nodded.

"I'll be with you in a minute." Putting her normal clothes into the locker and taking her chart she went after Steven. He was waiting right in front of the room and with a strange look in his eyes he pulled Lexie closer.

"What…Steven, what are you doing?" Slightly insecure she pulled back a bit and questioningly she looked at him.

"I have to ask you something. It's about Dr. Grey." Taking a quick glance right and left he again pulled her close.

"Steven, stop it. You are making me really uncomfortable. What's that all about?"

Slightly embarrassed and nervous he lowered his head. "Sorry. It's just, I don't want anybody to hear this."

"What about Meredith? She is not here today. We are under Dr. Bailey. And to be honest, it's great to finally get some good instructions."

"Lexie, please. There's not much time." Stressed he looked at his watch. Only fifteen minutes till morning shift started.

"Sorry. So, what is it with Grey?" She felt strange talking about her own name this way but shook it off immediately.

"It's…I." Steven was not sure how to start. "Do you know if she's in a relationship right now?"

"What?" Lexie stared at him in disbelieve. "Why are you…are you in love with her? Geeze!" She threw her hands in the air, breathing out audibly.

"No, no. You don't understand. I want to know because it's kind of important to the story." Steven was at a loss and right at that moment he wasn't even sure if he should continue telling her.

"I don't know. The only thing I know is that she used to be with Dr. Shepherd. I overheard Dr. Karev talking about them having broken up. Seems as this relationship is a big topic among our residents. There's some serious gossip going on in this hospital."

Steven only nodded. "Hm."

"Why do you even want to know this?" With narrowed eyes Lexie observed him.

"Because I saw Meredith kissing in the locker room."

Lexie looked at him in disbelief. "Are we back in 7th grade? You know, adults do such things as kissing."

She didn't know why she reacted that harshly. Mabye because it was Meredith who seemed to hate her and maybe because of the fact that she had enough troubles of her own.

"No, you didn't get me right." Steven was at the brink of giving up. "I saw her and Dr. Montgomery."

"What?" Lexie looked at him in disbelief.

"I saw them lying on the bench in the locker room. Kissing." Steven repeated. "I mean, she's your half-sister and so I thought you might know if she was gay."

Still not able to move Lexie leaned back at the wall.

"No, I…I hardly know her."

And after another short pause she added.

"And it's none of our business. She can kiss who ever she wants to kiss."

Still slightly taken aback by this revelation she tried to imagine them together. No, it just can't be, can it? But why not? When she came here she had already heard that Meredith was a tough doctor and that it was hard to keep up with her. Right now, after having her in charge for a while, the only thing she knew about her was that she was constantly late, constantly sick and constantly forgetting her interns.

"Lexie?" Steven slightly touched her. "Hellooooo? Somebody home?" Waving a hand in front of her face she finally came back to reality

"Yeah, I am still here. That's interesting news." A smile crept over her face. The next time she saw Meredith she had to monitor her closely. What if this was true? Meredith surly was in the closet and this could be a great opportunity for her to have something in store. Who knows what's still to come?

"So, what do you think?" Steven didn't like Lexie's bright smile and with every minute that went by he felt guiltier of telling her about his discovery.

"I guess we shouldn't talk about it. She told me not to. So, please keep it to yourself, will you? I don't want to risk my job here."

"Sure, I will." Cheerfully Lexie patted him on his back. "Come on, Bailey is waiting for us. Let's see what's on today's schedule."

----------------------------

Addison sleepily opened her eyes and after some seconds of disorientation she remembered where she was. Outside the window a heavy rainstorm made everything appear spooky and dark. Wiping away some strands she turned around to face Meredith.

"So this was no dream." She whispered to herself.

She snuggled back under her warm sheets and looking the calm figure and the steady breathing of Meredith every discomfort vanished. The big raindrops were like a soothing background music and for the first time she enjoyed this kind of weather.

Meredith was still fast asleep. The Mickey Mouse shirt was curled up in a roll under her breasts, exposing her belly, and the sheets she had managed to ball up into a strange object right next to her.

Fighting a laugh Addison's eyes wandered to Meredith's face. Her mouth slightly open and her hair all around her Addison had to admit that she indeed was a beautiful woman.

At this thought she suddenly felt uncomfortable with herself. It had never occurred to her that she could feel or think about women that way ever again. Those crushes she had in medical school didn't mean much to her and she had always thought of them as "getting through a phase". And now she had a girlfriend.

Again she looked at Meredith, whose fingers suddenly started to wander over the mattress, searching for something to grab on. Addison didn't think twice and reached for her hand. The second Meredith's fingers felt the hand she grabbed on to it like for dear life. Smiling Addison's view fell on the shirt.

"What the hell are you doing whilst sleeping?" Addison talked to herself.

Right now Meredith looked like a big child. How can one woman be that sexy but also that vulnerable at the same time? She sighed. Those thoughts made her feel really uncomfortable. But still, they were there.

"It's a good thing." She tried to convince herself and continued her observing. Does everybody do this or is this some kind of weird doctor behavior?

Addison had always thought of Meredith as extremely thin and seeing her nearly naked she shook her head.

"From where do you get all your energy to keep up with the demanding hospital work?"

Her eyes glided over her ribcage to the stomach and for some seconds she hesitated. In relation to the rest of her skinny figure there was nothing skinny to find there.

"It's true. There have to be people who can eat and eat and don't gain weight."

Still in thoughts she traveled farther down over her panties and the naked legs and Addison had a hard time fighting the urge to run her hands over Meredith's body.

A loud crash made Addison shoot up. Holding her breath she tried to allocate the source of it and after some seconds she recognized the lightning bolts outside the window.

"How in the name of god can you sleep through all of that?"

Addison whispered whilst lying back again.

"If you can sleep through this you surely can sleep through this too."

With these words she slowly lowered her hand onto Meredith's arm and started to stroke it lightly. Meredith moved some inches and holding her breath Addison waited till she remained still again. Closing her eyes she tried to focus on her sensations and after some seconds there was nothing but the soft skin beneath her fingers and the incredible feeling of thousands of butterflies in the pit of her stomach.

Painting invisible trails she felt the fabric of the shirt and following the neckline her breathing quickened. Could she? What if Meredith awoke? Hesitating she opened her eyes and after some seconds the desire took over her.

Slowly running her fingers between Meredith's breasts she felt the imprint of Mickey beneath her fingers and closing her eyes again she meant to burst every second. It seemed as if her fingers had started a life on their own and feeling Mickey glide beyond reach her heart started to race. Feeling the softness of Meredith's breasts she stopped breathing. Everything in her head and heart was filled with love and calmness and slowly moving her hand over Meredith's chest she for the first time in her life knew what all the love songs on the radio were about. Not giving them a second thought she felt the still steady breathing under her hand and once more she stroked across Meredith's breasts, trying to stay as calm as possible.

Suddenly and in a quick move Meredith threw her head around. Addison nearly jumped out of the bed, quickly retracting her hand and staring into Meredith's face. But her eyes were still closed and with a sigh of relief she returned her hand to the "safe spot" at Mickey. Slowly she crossed the line between the shirt and the skin of Meredith's belly. Her breathing started to slow down and enjoying the soft and yet firm skin she continued her exploration tour.

"I am so in love with you and I don't even know why. I've always hated you and now…"

Taking a quick look at Meredith she continued her talking.

"…now, we are lying here, in love. Despite our past."

Addison forced herself not to think at what's still to come. All the talking and maybe explaining and hopefully a not too heated discussion with Derek. Trying to fight those distracting thoughts she hadn't been aware of the examining actions of her fingers.

"No, what?" Due to her medical training she had done this a thousand times before.

"No, you can't do this. Not without any permission."

But her trained medical fingers had already found what she was looking for and with wide eyes she again ran her fingers over Meredith's belly and the firm area barely an inch above her pelvis. Her mind was going crazy and trying to stay calm she forgot that Meredith was still fast asleep. Sitting in an upright position she took both hands and pressed harder against the stomach. With a groan Meredith shifted away and slowly opened her eyes.

"Morning." Her voice still sleepy she turned around to face Addison. "What time is it?" Blinking and trying to focus she pulled down her shirt. "Oops!"

Addison, still in slight shock, glanced at the watch.

"Three o'clock. You've been sleeping for nearly twelve hours."

----------------------------

"Dr. Shepherd, do you have a minute? Ah, and Miranda, good to see you too. Do you have time for a short meeting? It's kind of important."

Surprised Dr. Bailey looked from the chief to Derek and back.

"Ah, yes, sure. Just need to finish this file." With this she continued scribbling some medical hieroglyphs onto it.

In the meantime Derek tried to find out what this was all about. He had an important surgery in thirty minutes and he needed to be prepared.

"Okay." Bailey snapped the file shut and twirled around. "Let's go. But I can't guarantee you much of my time. I'm in charge of Grey's interns today." Cursing about their lack of knowledge she followed the two men.

After closing the door to his office behind him, the chief put on a serious look.

"I've been doing a lot of talking and searching but so far I wasn't able to find a suitable substitute for you." He looked at Derek, whose hopeful look abated.

"What? Why?" Miranda was surprised by the start of this obviously very important conversation.

"Derek asked me to get some time off and I told him that he could have it if I found a good substitute."

"I see." She paused for some seconds and before the chief or Derek could say anything she continued. "But what's that to do with me?"

"Nothing in particular. But I need both of you to talk about another topic. I don't like to do this but It seems necessary. It's because of Meredith Grey."

Derek stopped breathing for a second. "What?"

Not only Derek was taken aback. Bailey was not a bit less surprised by this change of topic.

"Brian Fisher, one of her interns, was here some days ago to talk to me. He mentioned that he and his two colleagues doesn't know what to do or where to be. Meredith is hardly there for them and he asked me to become transferred to another resident."

He paused and sat down behind his desk.

"So that's the reason." Bailey mumbled.

"Excuse me?" The chief made a gesture to repeat the just said.

"I am in charge of them for today because it's Meredith's day off and they are no good at all. But this surely explains it." In disbelief she stared at Derek who didn't know where his part in this whole thing was.

"I don't understand this. She is one of the best people in this hospital. There has to be a reasonable explanation." He turned his head to look at Derek.

"Do you think she has the same problems as you have?"

Slightly angry about laying his private life open in front of Dr. Bailey he just shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know. I don't talk to her anymore."

"I see." Turning back to Dr. Bailey he asked. "Could you have an eye on her for some days? I plan to talk to her as soon as possible. In the meantime, would it be okay for you if you took responsibility for Grey, Wentworth and Fisher? They desperately need better training."

Not happy about this request she just nodded. Great! Another year with interns.

"Yes, I will." Those were the only words that came out of her mouth. Her insides were boiling and anger started to rise in her.

"What about me?" Derek asked. Not sure if he even wanted to know what he would have to do.

"The only thing I ask of you is to step in if help is needed. I know it's the worst thing for you but I don't have anybody else who I completely trust with this delicate issue."


	25. Awkward Situations

_**all who have my story in the alert list: **I am sorry for making you recieve so many emails. I just deleted chapter 1 (because I think it's not really necessary ...(Author's note was its title). This for I decided to upload this chapter again so you all get the right link. _

_ THANK YOU ALL for your reviews and suggestions. It's great to hear from you from time to time. _

* * *

Meredith was lying on her back, having Addison's head rest on her chest and holding her tight. 

"I wish we could lie here like this forever." Meredith closed her eyes and ran her hand over Addison's back.

"Hm." Addison agreed.

At that halfhearted answer Meredith startled. "Everything okay?"

"Yes, sure. It's just…" Addison's thoughts had been going round and round in circles ever since Meredith had woken up. Trying to hide her shock and astonishment from her discovery she propped herself up on her elbows.

"…I am more than hungry. I could eat a whole cow."

"Yeah, me too. Seriously, I don't even remember when I've eaten the last time."

"You haven't eaten? But…"

Addison stopped again in midsentence. Having eaten a lot would have been the only logical explanation to her. Now that this definitely didn't was the case she was quite sure. Meredith just had to be pregnant. Most of the time she could trust her instinct and what it looked like Meredith had to be quite far along. Why didn't she tell her? Pushing away those distracting thoughts she sat up, looking into Meredith's confused eyes.

"But what?" Meredith was surprised by Addison's weird behavior and not sure what to do or say she again waited for an answer.

"Let's go eat something. Our first night together as a couple and we are starving. That's surely not the best omen."

"Yeah, but first…" Sitting up she threw her arms around Addison and pressed her close to her chest. "It's weird, it's awkward but I just love every little bit about it."

Pulling back she underlined the just said with a more than bright smile. Addison had to fight a laugh. Meredith's hair was more than a mess and adding the sweet smile one just had to love her. "It?"

"Our relationship. It."

"Ah." With these words Addison jumped out of the bed. "I really have to take a shower. I stink." Looking down herself she grimaced.

"Only if I get a good-bye hug." On her knees Meredith waddled across the bed, throwing herself at Addison who had to fight to remain in an upright position.

"Uh, what are you doing?"

"Loving…" Meredith paused and distracted she gulped. "…you. Seriously, we have to eat something. I am already sick of not having eaten for such a long time."

Addison looked at her in disbelief. No, it couldn't be? Could it? Did she not know what was going on with her?

"Are you sure that it's because you are hungry?"

Bewildered Meredith looked up. "Yes. I mean, what else could it be? I haven't eaten and my blood sugar level … don't even get me started on that. I believe there is not one tiny sugar molecule left."

"If that is so I really have to hurry. I'll be down in ten minutes." Shy she kissed Meredith and the moment she wanted to turn around Meredith pulled her back for another kiss. Addison felt Meredith's lips on hers and her tongue in her mouth. Giving into the moment she relaxed and giving back what she received they slumped back onto the bed.

Meredith's whole mind and body was with Addison and she felt great. She didn't wanna let go of her. Feeling Addison pull away she smiled.

"That was…amazing. Now, hurry." Laughing she pushed Addison off her.

"Hey, you were the one who started the attack."

"The attack?" Meredith laughed, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Yes, you heard right." Smirking Addison reached for her clothes and already on her way to the bathroom she heard Meredith sigh.

She was still sitting on the edge of the bed when Addison returned from the shower, not having been able get up. Confused Addison stopped.

"You're still here?"

"Damn night shifts." Meredith cursed and slowly she raised her head. Within the second all thoughts at her nausea were gone. The picture that presented itself in front of her literally took her breath away.

Addison was standing in the doorframe. Naked. Her hair wrapped up in a white towel and her clothes in her hands she just stood there. Here and there some water drops made the body sparkle like hundreds of little diamonds where scattered over her slightly toned skin.

"I'm sorry. I thought you were already in the kitchen and so…" Blushing and lowering her head she tried to cover herself with her clothes.

"Please, don't." Meredith slowly got up from the bed. Addison started to shiver, not knowing if it was for the excitement or the actual temperature in the room.

Breathing quickly Meredith couldn't tear her gaze away from that beautiful sight and once again she closed the gap between them.

"Let me take those." She tossed the clothes onto a chair and slowly wrapped her arms around Addison's chest. Feeling the wetness of the water droplets creep through her shirt Meredith recognized Addison's shivering.

"Are you okay?"

"I…I think so." Insecure and shakily the answer came back.

"Come with me." Meredith guided her to the bed and invitingly she lifted the bedspread. She wanted nothing more than to feel Addison close to her, touch every single inch of her body and whisper sweet nothings into her ear.

Addison on the other hand was at the brink of a nervous breakdown. Everything was moving forward way too fast and quivering and shivering she slowly crawled under the sheets.

Meredith reached for the towel and slowly pulling it loose Addison's wet mane fell onto her shoulders.

As fast as she could manage Meredith undressed too, throwing her pajamas to the towel on the floor. She felt like she could burst any second. Everything around her had vanished and the only thing she tried to focus on was to remain calm. Feeling Addison's naked body against hers she wanted so much more.

"Hey." She lightly kissed Addison. "Are you sure you are okay?"

"I…this…" Addison wasn't able to finish. She felt Meredith's hand wander from her shoulder down to her breasts and distracting thoughts went through her mind.

"_What is it with you Addison? You've jumped into bed with every guy you've known so far so easily. Why is everything so different? Why are you acting like a teenager having the first experience in bed?"_

Meredith stopped breathing. She felt hot. Her hands wandered over Addison's breasts and gently she pressed against them, feeling Addison squirm beneath her touch. Distracted she pulled away, realizing that she hadn't been breathing at all. Longing for air she stared into Addison's fearful eyes.

"Did…did I hurt you?"

"No, I…" Slowly and soothingly she stroked Meredith's cheek.

"I don't know what's the matter with me. Normally I am not shy at all but this…"

She gulped and looking into Meredith's big waiting eyes didn't make it easier on her.

"…this is totally different. I don't even know what this all means to me, to my attitude to life, to relationships and to sex. I love you so much and wouldn't want to hurt you in any way. I…" A single tear twinkled in the corner of her eye.

Meredith was taken aback. She felt sorry for Addison and a bit guilty for being so upfront.

"I am sorry. I…you…you make me feel like…" Lowering her eyes she finished. "..you make me feel like without touching you I can't live."

"I…that's…I want you. I want to be close to you, I want to be in a real relationship with you, with everything that comes along. EVERYthing, you hear me?"

Addison paused and waiting she hoped that Meredith would grab that anchor to bring the topic to her 'secret'. Not giving an answer Meredith snuggled close to Addison.

"I am sorry if I rushed you into something. What do you want me to do? How should I act?"

"You are doing nothing wrong. I just need some time to come clear with our situation here."

Having remained in the embrace for a while Meredith suddenly pulled back and inhaled sharply. Trying to focus she slowly breathed out.

"What's wrong?" Alarmed Addison sat up, seeing the color drain from her cheeks.

"I…I don't know but I think this whole 'not eating enough' stuff wears me out. Seriously, that sucks." Trying to fight the urge to puke she remained in the bed for some more minutes.

"I heard that ginger really helps to settle one's stomach."

"Never heard of that. But it's already fading. We can continue our talk over some dinner. It's nearly five."

Addison just nodded and after having dressed she gave Meredith a hand.

"Take it slowly. Come on."

They walked down into the kitchen. Addison eyed Meredith and she truly felt not okay. What if she was right? What if Meredith was pregnant? Not knowing if or how she should approach the topic Addison decided on waiting.

"Coffee?" Meredith's facial color had already returned to a human one.

"Yes, please. Are you a coffee person? What's your favorite food?"

Amused at those random questions Meredith placed the coffee can in the coffee machine and went to the fridge.

"Yes, I am. Totally. I think there is more caffeine in my system than blood. And my favorite food…I like many things. But I guess it would be salad with chicken."

"Me too. I don't think I can even work without coffee."

Trying to sound cheery she continued.

"And I love Chinese food. Gosh, I could eat it every day three times."

Meredith nodded. "So, what are we gonna eat?" Staring into an almost empty fridge she blushed. "Normally Izzie does the shopping but I guess she didn't have time. I suck at cooking. She is the one who is passionate about it and so I…I leave it to her."

"I love cooking." Addison laughed. She moved over to Meredith and together they continued staring at some leftovers.

"Do you have noodles? What about noodles with some sauce?"

Nodding and kind of relieved Meredith closed the door.

"I think we have."

And again she had no idea what she was doing. Opening every cabinet she finally found the desired object. Laughing both continued cooking and after half an hour they finally had managed to prepare something edible.

"You really crack me up." Addison mumbled, still some noodles in her mouth.

"What? Why?" Surprised Meredith looked around her. Was there a lost noodle somewhere or some spatters of sauce? Wiping her mouth she questioningly looked at Addison.

"Because at work you are such a professional and when it comes to life you just…" Laughing Addison tried to finish the sentence. "…you just suck."

Meredith joined in. It was true. When it came to every day situations she was more insecure than doing a difficult operation.

"Imagine it the other way round. I am really glad I suck so much at cooking."

----------------------------

George was a complete mess. The whole baby thing did worry him more than he had expected. Sitting at the kitchen counter he watched Callie scanning through the baby book "What to expect when you are expecting". He gulped.

"Hey, George. Come over here. Look, that's what our baby looks like if I was already pregnant." Beaming she smiled at the book in her lap. Breaking away from the picture for a moment she invitingly gazed over to George who was still not moving.

"Come on, George. Please."

"Alright, alright. I am coming." Giving in he joined her on the couch and took a quick look at the photo Callie was pointing at.

"Uh, gross. What the heck is this?"

"How dare you say this." Furious Callie slammed the book onto the living room table.

"Oh come on. You are not even pregnant yet and you are acting crazy. I don't even want to be a father right now. Why can't we just enjoy our marriage for some years and then have kids? I…"

At this unexpected turn of events Callie jumped up. She couldn't believe what she had heard.

"What did you just say?" Her voice was only a tiny whisper. Trying to hold herself together she stared at George.

"I…Call…I…don't want to be a father right now." George admitted calmly. To his own surprise he was sure of what he had to do. Telling the truth.

Raising her voice and becoming louder and louder Callie stomped through the apartment.

"Oh, that's nice. I get my hopes up and I really try to be positive and everything. You said yes to me. YOU-SAID-YES!!! And now you take it back."

Furiously she slammed her fist at the kitchen counter, making George wince.

"What if I am already pregnant? Do you plan to leave me? Do you plan to force me having an abortion? Do…"

"NO." Shocked by this turn of the topic he interrupted. "NO, you know I would never ever ask this from you. You … that hurt."

Laughing a fake laugh Callie approached him, standing only a few feet apart.

"That hurt? Oh, I hurt you? You poor little man. Sure, I am the one who is the devil, who is ending your life by wanting a baby."

"I…let me…" Feeling panic creeping up inside of him George tried to focus on another goal. Calming down his wife.

"No, I don't let you. I …" Taking a deep breath and reaching for her purse she stomped to the door. "…I have to think things over."

With these words she slammed the door behind her. George heard her angry steps and heard another door clicking shut.

"What have I done? What have I done?" Running his hands through his hair and over his face he paced up and down in the living room.

"Why am I such a jerk?"

Callie hadn't come far. She was sitting at a park bench, crying heavily, not caring about the staring passers-by. Her heart ached and her only thought was her big dream. Till now it had been solid like a rock but within the last few weeks it had turned into a fragile soap bubble that could burst every second.

Deep inside she could understand George's reaction. He wanted to have some fun, enjoying their marriage. But she had waited her whole life for that opportunity to come and every time she was close it didn't work out. Either the guy was the wrong one or she just didn't become pregnant.

"Please George, I don't want to break up with you because of this reason. But…" Blowing her nose and wiping her tears away she leaned back and pointed her view up to the dark grey sky. "Please tell me what to do. I don't know how I can wait any longer."

----------------------------

"What…Meredith?" Izzie's night shift had finally ended and dragging her tired body into the kitchen she saw a big bowl of noodles. "Meredith?"

"Hey Iz." Sleepily Meredith's head appeared in the crack of the living room door.

"Did you cook?" Narrowing her eyes Izzie questioningly looked at her friend.

"Yes, we cooked." Smirking she turned around.

"We?" Putting one and one together Izzie sprinted over to Meredith and pulled her back.

"Addison?" Her voice was barely audible and her smile seemed to go round her head twice.

"Yes, Addison is here. Say hello."

"No, I can't…" She tried to act like she wasn't interested at all.

"Oh come on. I can see it in your eyes, you…" Meredith couldn't even finish her sentence as Izzie had already made her way into the living room.

"Hey, Addison."

"Oh, hi. Hi, Izzie." Surprised Addison looked her way. "We are watching '…along came Polly'."

"Uh, I loooove this film." She clapped her hands and slumped onto the couch right next to Addison. Meredith rolled her eyes. Good grief!!

"I haven't seen it so far but…"

"No? You haven't? Wow..." Surprised Izzie leaned back, staring at the freezed image at the screen.

"Uh, that's a funny scene. I love Ben Stiller. Isn't he sexy?" She paused.

"I…Izzie…" Meredith tried to interrupt.

"Uh, but you guys are looking out for the women in there, aren't you?" Giggling Izzie watched both of them blush.

"We…" It was Addison's turn to squeeze in a comment.

"Who do you like best? Jennifer Aniston or Debra Messing. I am going for Debra. Love the way she acts. And I think that ferret is too cute, don't you think? With that little pullover and…"

"IZZIE!" Meredith had lost her patience. "Could you please give us some privacy?"

She had heard her own words whilst talking.

"I am sorry." Izzie got up and strode towards the kitchen door. Meredith tried to grab her arm but missed it.

"Izzie, I am sorry. I didn't mean to be rude…" She couldn't hear the rest. Izzie had already left the kitchen and was heading upstairs.

"Seriously. I just wanted to be nice. But give her one finger and she will grab the whole hand. No…worse. The whole arm."


	26. Upside down

It was Monday morning and Meredith was standing in the OR opposite Derek. They had been operating on the patient for nearly five hours and there was at least one to go. Meredith had a hard time focusing on her tasks and from time to time she caught herself being miles away and deep in thoughts and memories. Thinking back at the great two days she had shared with Addison made the butterflies return to her stomach and still smiling she acted on Derek's harsh orders.

"Grey, I need you over here!"

With three big steps Meredith was at his side. The patient's brain was exposed in front of her and fighting a wave of nausea she tried to remain calm. What was wrong with her? She was used to those gross scenes. There was no reason she had to be that sensitive.

Meredith's short distraction didn't go unnoticed by Derek. Earlier this morning he had tried to find some other resident to scrub in on this surgery but only Meredith was the one with an empty schedule. Eying her his heart ached. She was that close to him and yet not within reach.

"Focus." He pulled himself together and after another hour of strength-sapping operating he exhaled audible. Again he took a quick glance at Meredith who was sitting at a stool on casters, wiping away beads of perspiration. Slowly he walked over.

"Hey." He paused. She didn't raise her head or give an answer. He would have been happy with every kind of reaction but being ignored was the worst.

"Hey." He tried again. "Are you okay?"

Meredith was exhausted. She had been standing for six hours and she felt like she would drop dead any second. Hearing Derek's voice didn't have any impact on her and she was surprised. Did this mean that she was over him? Finally? That she could move on and not constantly try to avoid him? Slowly she looked up and for a second their eyes met. Derek was the first to break the silence.

"You look exhausted."

Meredith forced herself to get up and to clean her hands.

"Yes, I am. I am an awful lot tired."

Yawning she slowly walked by Derek into the nearby washing room. She pulled the mask from her face and the cap from her head, throwing them into the bin next to the sink. She watched Derek through the pane in front of her and suddenly she felt sorry for him.

----------------------------

"Addison?"

At the mention of her name Addison turned around. A chart in one hand and a stethoscope in the other one she was surprised to see Callie standing in the door.

"Hi. How are you holding up? Any luck yet?" Quickly she went over to Callie who quietly closed the door. Looking into her sad and tearstained eyes she knew the answer right away.

"Sweetie, what happened?" Hugging her she led Callie to two chairs in the corner of the incubator room.

"Oh, I don't know. I have a shitty life."

Sobbing she leaned forward, grabbing her knees and pulling them close. Addison was surprised by this sudden outburst of emotions and dived for a tissue in her large pockets of her scrubs.

"Those should be called 'duffel bags'."

"What?" Callie gave her a bewildered look.

"Nothing, I was just…don't bother. Here." Handing over the just found tissue she pulled her chair closer. Resting her hands on both of Callie's knees she questioningly looked at her.

"What happened? You can tell me." She tried to figure out what was going on but had no clue at all.

"We…had…a…fight." Sobbing and trying to pull herself together she stared into Addison's eyes.

"About what?"

"The whole baby thing. George said that…that…that he was okay with it and that we could try." Again she blew her nose.

"I can't wait to see you with a baby." Addison was still testing the waters and not knowing what she had just gotten into Callie started shaking and crying again.

"You…you will never see me…me with one. He said that he was not ready for it. We had a fight and I left."

Addison's eyes went big and her heart started to ache. She carefully stroked over Callie's hands and feeling her shake beneath her touch she felt sorry for her.

"Why did he change his mind? I thought you guys had talked this over? I can't believe he would do such a terrible thing to you."

"He said that he wasn't ready to be a father and that he wanted to enjoy his life. I …he is no bad guy. He is a great and loving man and maybe I am the one who is crazy or irrational."

"Dr. Montgomery?" A nurse entered the room.

Addison turned around, trying to cover Callie behind her. "Yes?"

"You are needed in room 2001. The woman is cramping."

"I'll be there right away."

Turning back to Callie she gave her a short hug.

"I am sorry but this has priority. We can talk later, okay?"

Callie nodded and watched Addison leave the room. Slowly she got up and walked over to one of the incubators. The tiny boy was sleeping. His eyes were covered with patches and everything around him seemed to be way too huge.

She didn't know how long she had been standing there when her pager went off. Looking at it she sighed.

"Sometimes work really sucks."

----------------------------

Derek had a hard time hiding how much he was hurting. On the one hand he couldn't wait to leave for some time but on the other hand he didn't even know where to go. Due to his profession he didn't have many friends and those who called themselves his friends were mainly working at the hospital.

Going over some information about an upcoming operation he tried to focus. Who would be the best to help?

"Meredith." Absent-minded he answered his own question aloud.

"What?" Izzie was leaning over the counter to grab some charts when she heard Derek mumbling Meredith's name.

"Nothing, nothing." He hadn't even seen her standing next to him and grabbing his book he made his way to some chairs.

Meredith was everywhere. Every thought he tried to finish ended with Meredith. Every problem he had to deal with would have Meredith as its solution.

"I definitely need a break." Leaning back he saw the chief turning into the corridor.

"Ah, Dr. Webber." Derek jumped up.

"Hello Dr. Shepherd."

"Do you have…" He hadn't even finished the sentence when the chief already shook his head.

"No, I haven't but I have made some phone calls and as it seems there is actually one person who could accept the offer."

Sighing with relief Derek unconsciously ran his fingers through his hair. That was great news.

"Thank you for your extra work on this. I really appreciate it and you …"

He stopped in midsentence. Meredith was standing next to Izzie at the counter.

"Dr. Shepherd?"

"Aaaahm, yesssss. Thank you. But I've to go now. Important surgery."

He tapped at the cover of the book he was still holding. Still eying Meredith he slowly walked by her. He didn't know if she had seen him but if so she did a good job pretending having not to.

----------------------------

"I already told you. I am so so sorry. I know I asked you to say hello to Addison."

Meredith sighed. Leaning next to Izzie she tried to make peace with her.

"Yeah. I tried to be nice and everything." Izzie paused, following Meredith's view.

"Oh great. So you are talking to me whilst checking out Derek? I thought you had a relationship." Becoming angry again Izzie grabbed the just found chart to leave.

"Shhht. Izzie. I don't want the whole hospital gossiping about us. You know how I feel about everything and everybody. Could we just be okay again?"

Sighing she leaned against the counter and closed her eyes for some seconds, feeling Izzie's eyes on her.

"Okay, okay. I get it. It's fine. Woha, Mer, are you alright?" Seeing Meredith grab on to the counter she narrowed her eyes.

"Yes, yes, I am fine. Maybe I caught the flu. It's all over the town I guess." She opened her eyes again.

"No, it's not. What are you talking about? Nobody has the flu right now. Do you have temperature?"

The caring side of Izzie awoke and rushing over to feel Meredith's forehead she tried to make a diagnosis.

"Izzie." Pulling Izzie's hand away from her face she looked at her annoyed. "I am not ill. I am just tired and this whole situation just makes me all woozy."

"Maybe you should have an examination. Who knows what's wrong with you? Uh, what if you have the measles?" Wild gesturing Izzie tried to convince Meredith of the importance of getting a checkup.

"Don't be silly. I already had the…"

"_Beep, beep, beep."_ Izzie's pager went off.

"Sorry, have to go. See you." Giving Meredith a concerned look she headed off.

"See you." Watching Izzie running down the corridor she exhaled. "Gosh, what is it with people to always know what's wrong with you."

"Ah, here you are, Dr. Grey. May I have a word with you?" Dr. Bailey stepped up behind Meredith, who turned around and nodded.

"Let's sit there." Bailey pointed at the chairs where Derek and the chief had been standing some minutes ago.

Okay. There was definitely something going on. She knew Bailey's voice too well.

"Saturday morning I had a talk with the chief. One of your interns had complained about not learning anything, you forgetting about them…"

Meredith felt like hit by a bus. Her interns! "Oh no, I am in charge of them. I am so sorry, but…"

"Not any more." Dr. Bailey interrupted.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard right. They are my interns again because you think that your personal life is more important than anyone others and now I am stuck with those stupid interns. AGAIN!"

Bailey was furious and Meredith knew that she had made a big mistake.

"No, it's not, I…" She tried to find another reason than her private life and grabbing on to the chair her knuckles started to become white.

"No? Then tell my why? I think I have the right to know."

Bailey knew that this was too much but she didn't care. She would be the one to deal with three interns for whole year.

"I…" Meredith felt sick. "I…" Not being able to finish her sentence she suddenly leaned over and emptied her stomach in front of Bailey.

"Oh my, Grey. Are you sick?" Watching Meredith slowly leaning back she reached for her arm to feel her pulse-rate.

"I am fine." Meredith wiped her mouth with a tissue.

"Grey, don't be stupid. You are everything else but fine. I'll check if there is an empty bed for you somewhere around here. First you lie down and second you let take care of you."

"But…"

"No buts Grey."

Meredith sighed. She gave in and some minutes later she was lying in a bed.

"That's ridiculous. I am fine."

"You are not. I'll page Dr. Yang. She will examine you. If that's alright with you, of course." Bailey looked at her questioningly.

"Yes, sure, whatever." Meredith waved her off. "And then you will see that I am perfectly fine."

----------------------------

"I am WHAT?" Meredith couldn't believe her ears. Christina was standing right next to her bed, showing her the results of her check-up.

"So it's Derek's? It has to be, hasn't it?" Christina blurted out.

Meredith was still in shock. How come she hadn't noticed? Her period was often late and she didn't pay attention to it at all. How far along was she? Again she looked at the paper, searching for an answer.

"Eleven weeks?" She shouted out. "How…I…" She slumped back into the pillows and going over the incidents within the last few weeks she should've noticed.

"Meredith?" Christina was still staring at her. "Oh come on. Don't tell me you didn't know."

"No"

Her mind went crazy. She thought at Addison. Did she know? Overall she was the specialist. Thinking back at some incidents within the last few weeks her stomach felt like an army of ants was camping in there.

"So it is Derek's?"

"I guess." Meredith slowly turned her head and stared at Christina.

"You guess? Gosh, your life really sucks."

"Thanks for telling me. Without you I wouldn't even have noticed." Rolling her eyes she again stared at the sheet of paper. What would Addison say? How would she react? Exhausted she slumped back and closed her eyes.

"But you will take care of it, won't you?" Christina asked.

"I don't know. There is not much time left to say no but I should start thinking. If only my brain wasn't that confused."


	27. Final decisions

Christina had left the room and Meredith was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and trying to focus on what to do next. She definitely had to tell Addison. Did she have to tell Derek? Over all he was the father. He had a right to know.

"Why am I even lying in bed? I am not sick."

She sat up only to lie back again. Her stomach churned and she tried to concentrate on not throwing up. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea to remain in bed for a couple more minutes. Meredith sighed. How could she not have noticed? Slowly she ran her fingers over her stomach. She couldn't believe that there was a baby beneath her touch. She slightly pressed against her belly and now that she knew what was going on she could feel the change. It was not much but the bump was definitely there.

"_Knock, knock."_

The door to her room was slowly opening and for a split second she hoped that Addison's head would appear in the crack of it. To her disappointment it was Lexie who seemed to be surprised to find Meredith as the patient. In one quick motion Meredith pulled the blanket up to her chin, retracting the hand from under her scrubs.

"Hello Dr. Grey." Lexie slipped into the room and closed the door behind her. "I was told to check on the patient in this room. If I had known that it was you I would've asked Brian or Steven to come in."

Meredith thought at their talk two weeks ago. Lexie had every good reason to keep the distance between them.

"It's okay."

Meredith tried to smile at her.

"I was ordered to check your blood pressure."

Feeling awkward Lexie walked over right next to Meredith who had already pulled up the sleeve of her scrubs. Lexie's mind did overwork too. Maybe Steven wasn't right about Addison and Meredith. She's pregnant and so she has to be with someone else, hasn't she?

She put the blood pressure apparatus on Meredith's arm, trying not to shake too heavily.

"We also have to run some routine checkups on you. I was told to bring you to the gynecology ward."

Looking at the monitor she nodded. "Your blood pressure is fine."

"You don't have to come with me. I can really walk on my own. I don't have a broken leg." Meredith started to panic. She wanted to talk to Addison about this and not just drop by with the words. 'Hello honey. How are you? Oh, and by the way, I am pregnant.'

Lexie had been watching Meredith's gaze become absent. Not knowing what to do she remained silent. Her only goal was to fulfill Dr. Bailey's orders.

"I know but I was told to do so."

"I am a doctor and I know what I can do and I tell you that it's fine. I can walk on my own."

She pulled back the blanket, stepped off the bed and reached for her shoes. Trying to avoid the still queasy feeling she shakily stood next to Lexie.

"See? So if you would just give me that damn chart and leave me alone."

Shocked by Meredith's sudden outburst Lexie stepped back and only watched. She didn't know what to do.

"Dr. Grey, please. I have orders."

"Yes, I just gave them to you. Stay here." Meredith knew she was acting irrational but she was scared to death about what's still to come.

"I know about you and Addison." Lexie blurted out.

Meredith froze in her tracks. The silence that filled the room was hardly bearable.

Pure horror in her eyes Meredith stared at Lexie who couldn't believe what she had just said. Meredith slowly walked back to the bed and sat down. She continued staring at Lexie, waiting for an explanation that she already knew. Steven had seen them. That's all she had to know.

"So it's true?" Lexie didn't know why she was even asking. The situation was a nightmare for both of them.

Meredith didn't give an answer. Everything was too much to bear. She had to make decisions she didn't even want to make and she had to talk about them to strangers. Where had all the good old Meredith Grey "Queen of avoidance" days gone?

Meredith's silence was answer enough for Lexie.

"Nobody else knows." She tried to cheer her up. "Steven asked me if you were…if you were gay and I told him that we are not that close. He just guessed. I am sorry." Taking a short break she added. "I am fine with it, by the way."

Lexie wasn't sure if this was stupid to say. Why shouldn't she be okay with it anyway?

Meredith tried hard to fight the tears but slowly, one by one, they found their way over her cheeks and soaked into the pillow. Hitting her fist hard against the mattress she started crying like a little child.

Lexie still didn't move and was at the brink of crying too. What had she done? She had to reach Addison.

"Stay here. I'll page Dr. Montgomery to come down to see you." Lexie tried to sound confident but wasn't sure if Meredith had even heard her.

----------------------------

"People, move! What's going on?" Bailey looked at Izzie, Christina, George and Callie who were all standing in the hallway in front of Meredith's room, discussing whether or not to go in. Everybody was curious to find out what had happened to her.

"Maybe she really has the measles." Izzie stated.

"Why? Did she say something to you?" George moved over to her side.

"No, but I've been talking to her before and she said that she felt ill."

Christina didn't participate in the wild guessing game. She already knew the reason but didn't want to mess everything up by telling. What if Meredith decided to have an abortion?

"PEOPLE!!! Am I invisible here?" Waving with both arms in the air Bailey stepped between Izzie and George. "MOVE! Do your work or whatever you are supposed to do right now."

----------------------------

Addison had just sat down to eat her lunch when her pager went off.

"Damn it. What has one to do round here to get some time off?"

Reading the message she choked. '_Room 2001 – Meredith sick – important_' What was going on? She jumped up and headed towards Bailey's ward, hoping to get an answer as soon as possible. Running towards the counter she already knew that something must have happened. Most of the residents were standing in front of a patient's room, the room she was paged to.

"Izzie, what's going on here?" Breathing hard Addison grabbed her by her arm and pulled her close.

"I don't know." Stepping aside she watched Addison open the door.

"Hey, why is she allowed to go in?" George pouted.

"MOVE! For the last time!" Bailey had watched Addison enter the room and again she tried to chase 'her' residents away.

----------------------------

Addison closed the door. "Meredith? What…are you alright? What happened?"

Not paying attention to Lexie, who was still standing in the middle of the room, she rushed to Meredith's side. Meredith didn't know why Addison was suddenly in the room and with wide and teary eyes she looked at her girlfriend.

"Hey." Meredith reached for Addison's hand. "I am so sorry."

"For what? What did you do?" Addison squeezed her hand and all kinds of horror scenarios popped into her head.

"Do you still need me?" Lexie interrupted.

"No. You can leave. Is there anything that still needs to be done?" Addison tried to smile at her.

Lexie handed her over the chart. Addison quickly scanned through it and her eyes widened. So she had been right.

"A routine check up needs to be done. I was told to escort her to your ward but she refused to go with me."

"I…" A big sob came from Meredith's side of the bed.

"It's okay, darling. I will take care of this."

What was she doing? She didn't want anybody to know about them yet and she called her in front of an intern 'darling'. Lexie surly got the message.

"I already know about you two. So no need to play hide and seek." She whispered.

Strangely enough she had trusted the red haired doctor since the first time they had met. Not wanting to cause more pain and damage that had already happened she decided to be open about her knowing what's going on.

"You do? I mean…oh." Addison was at a loss and trying to avoid an awkward situation she continued her asking questions.

"So is there anything else to do?" Again Addison looked over the chart. '10w0d'. So Meredith was at the beginning of her eleventh's week.

"No, just routine checkups. I'll…" She pointed at the door and Addison nodded. Lexie left the room, exhaling deeply. Thank god this was over.

Putting the chart on Meredith's bedside table Addison kicked off her shoes and slipped to Meredith under the covers. She felt Meredith's back against her chest and wrapped an arm around her.

Meredith's feeble voice sounded through the tissue she was still holding against her face.

"Addison, I am…I had no clue. Today…I got sick and Dr. Bailey. She insisted on examining me. I am pregnant Addison. With Derek's baby."

Addison buried her face in Meredith's hair. "Hey, we can work this out together. But first you need to calm down a bit."

"I want an abortion." Meredith sniveled.

"What?"

"It's Derek's. Didn't you hear me? It's your ex-husband's and my ex-lover's baby."

Shaking she reached for Addison's hand and pressed it against her stomach.

"Can you feel it? It's growing inside me and everywhere I go Derek will be with me."

Addison was too shocked to say anything. Even if it was Derek's. He was not the worst guy to have a child with and definitely not reason enough to have an abortion.

"I understand what you are saying and everything is more than overwhelming right now. But don't you think we should at least consider the option of having this baby?"

"We?" She slowly turned onto her back. Addison propped herself on one elbow and looked at Meredith in surprise.

"Sure we. We are a couple. So, I guess this is not only you alone."

Meredith chocked at hearing those words and pulling Addison close to her she again started to sob. Not knowing what to say Addison rested her head on Meredith's shoulder. They had been together for about a week and this was a huge life altering decision. Still, she knew that she wanted to raise this baby with Meredith.

"Mer, I think you should have it. I can't have children." She paused and felt Meredith starting to relax. "I am also aware of the fact that we just got together. Don't you wanna have kids?"

Meredith hadn't given it a thought so far. "I guess?"

"Hm." Addison let her hand glide under Meredith's scrubs, resting it on her lower belly. "I have given this a lot of thought. I've been thinking about it the whole weekend."

Meredith couldn't believe her ears. "You knew?"

"Yes. And I wanted to talk to you but there was never the right opportunity to do so." Addison liked the sensation of Meredith's skin under her fingers and drawing small circles she smiled.

"I don't know what to say. I mean…" Meredith giggled. "Hey, that tickles."

"Sorry." Addison was relieved to see the color return to Meredith's face.

"If you could decide on what to do…"

"…then I would keep it. Definitely." Addison finished Meredith's sentence. "You know how I feel about having a baby." Memories came flashing back. Having already been pregnant for a couple of weeks she knew how overwhelming this life altering decision could be. Thinking back she had to fight hard not start crying again. She had decided on an abortion and every time she thought back she became mad at herself. The only reason she had done this was because Derek hadn't been ready for it and scared of loosing him over the whole process she had given in.

"I was so stupid." She mumbled.

"What?" Meredith couldn't find the connection to the just said. Addison shook her head.

"Nothing."

"What if I kept it? I mean, what about my job, what about Derek, what about us?" Desperate Meredith looked into Addison's eyes, awaiting an answer.

"Those are all things that can be worked out. You don't have to quit your job and we will stay together." Addison smiled. "Derek is the only point we don't know but I think this will be manageable too."

Meredith closed her eyes. Feeling Addison's hand against her skin she laid hers on top of it, trying to imagine being pregnant. She hadn't done this before and she didn't think of herself as the motherly type. She had always preferred running around with boys and climbing trees to playing with dolls and pretend being a family. But with Addison at her side it could work out.

Feeling Addison shift against her Meredith opened her eyes. "Don't you think that the baby's life will be messed up, growing up with two mothers and no father?"

"No. Why? There are so many single mothers out there. I see them nearly every day. And this kid will be loved by two mommies. So, I don't see the negative point."

"I haven't thought about it this way." Again Meredith fell silent.

"I'll do it."

"What?" Addison sat up.

"I'll do it."

"What? How? Why?"

Throwing her arms around Meredith she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

"You really wanna do this." Addison whispered.

Meredith nodded and seeing how happy this decision had made Addison she smiled. Closing her eyes she exhaled. Addison leaned over Meredith and placed a light kiss on her mouth.

"Did I already mention that I love you?"

Meredith gave her a beaming smile and pulling her close they deepened their kissing.


	28. Picture time

_**AT ALL:** I created a blog in which you can find pictures that fit to the story and so on. maybe it's more fun this way. THANK YOU for reading and reviewing!! I love it!!_

_ MY BLOG: **meredithaddisonfindinglove . b l o g s p o t . c o m** (best you type the address into the browser manually. Fanfiction . net doesn't allow links...so I hope you find it.  
_

* * *

Addison patted on the examination chair. "Just make yourself comfortable over here."

"Comfortable? You have to be kidding me."

Meredith gave a short sarcastic laugh at the sight of the stirrups.

"You know that there is no better why to do this."

Addison answered slightly amused. Putting a number of instruments on a tray and looking for some forms she tried to clear her mind. The news where overwhelming and slightly nervous she looked over to Meredith, who was still standing next to the chair.

"And you are totally sure that you want me to be your doctor?"

"Yes, of course I am sure. You are the best and I trust you. I have to admit that it's slightly awkward but why looking for another OBGYN when having the perfect one right by my side?"

Addison felt hot. She knew it was just another exam, which she had done on hundreds of women before but despite that she was sweating. She was in a relationship with Meredith.

"What a weird feeling to see you naked for the first time in this position."

Before she could even stop herself the sentence was out in the open. Blushing she quickly rushed to Meredith's side.

"I am sorry. That was inappropriate."

Meredith had to fight hard to remain serious. It was true. Could there be a stranger situation than this? She reached for Addison's hand. "I know what you mean. But…it's fine."

Nodding Addison went over the forms she was still holding. "We have to fill out some forms and there are a bunch of routine questions I have to ask. As I can see here Christina has already done some tests."

"Yes, Doctor." Meredith teased Addison's sudden change of behavior.

"Oh come on. That's not fair. I…"

Meredith cut her short by a soft kiss. She pulled Addison close and leaning her head against her chest she sighed.

"I don't know how I ended up in all this mess. Seriously, look at me. Haven't I already paid my dues?"

Addison didn't know what to answer and so she continued holding her in a warm and loving embrace. They didn't notice the nurse that entered the room and only after the sounds of clattering metal Meredith opened her eyes.

"I think it's time to find out." She mumbled slightly embarrassed.

Addison didn't know how to act in company of the nurse but having done this procedure so many times before she easily found back into her 'bossy boss' behavior.

Talking to herself Addison again went over the checkup.

"The blood test was positive. Why does she know how far along you are?"

Questioningly she looked at Meredith.

"I don't know. I wasn't really paying that much attention. Oh, no, wait. Yeah, I think she asked me when I had my last period. So I guess she figured it out that way."

Nodding Addison asked some more questions about Meredith's and her family's medical history and was surprised by the information she got about Ellis Grey, Meredith's mother.

"Do you think that my mother having Alzheimer's disease could have any effect on the baby?" With big worried eyes Meredith stared at Addison.

"Of course not on the baby. But I have to ask everything to cut out eventual risks."

She grabbed Meredith's hand and stroked it gently. "Trust me. I would tell you if there was the slightest chance of danger to you or the baby." She paused and added. "Our baby."

The nurse who had been standing right next to Addison frowned. "You are pregnant too? I thought she is the patient." Pointing at Meredith she looked at her questioningly.

Great! That's exactly what she wanted to do: Explaining herself to others. Addison sighed.

"No, it's only Dr. Grey who is pregnant."

Still not satisfied but not sure whether she should continue asking or not the nurse remained silent.

"Addison and I are going to have this baby together."

"Meredith, I…" Taken aback by Meredith's answer she didn't know how to react. It was not fair from her to take for granted that it was that easy for her as it was for Meredith.

"Ah, okay. That makes a lot more sense." Smiling the nurse turned around and busied herself with finishing the paperwork Addison had already put on the table.

Addison stepped close to Meredith and whispered. "I am not that comfortable with telling everybody about us."

Meredith knew she had made a mistake. "I am sorry. I know. And I will try to do better. Good again?" With puppy eyes she looked up into Addison's.

Smiling Addison winked. "If you have any questions you know where to find me."

"Yes, Madame." Meredith answered politely. "I indeed have one question. When will be my due date?"

Laughing Addison reached for what looked like a bunch of paper-circles, pinned together in the middle.

"What's that?"

"It's a due date calculator." Addison showed it to Meredith. "So, when was the first day of your last period?"

"Just a second." Meredith jumped off the chair and headed to her purse. Going through it she pulled out a crinkled piece of paper and looking at it for some seconds she smiled.

"1st of August"

"You write this stuff down? Wow, you amaze me." Addison looked at her in surprise.

"Yes, it's so irregular that I thought I could write it down for some time to get an overview." Embarrassed she handed the sheet over to her.

"Okay, now I know why you didn't notice your period being late. Holy cow, what's your body up to?"

"Tell me. I don't know. But … yeah. Now show me this circle magic."

Addison laughed and for some seconds she rotated the circles till they seemed to be in the right position. "Look, your due date will be around the 8th of May."

Smiling Addison handed it to Meredith who looked at the disk in disbelief.

"Wow, that's not too long from now. I still can't believe that I didn't notice anything. I mean, sure, if I had paid attention but…"

Addison watched her lovingly and slowly she started to realize that this wasn't just another exam. They were talking about their baby. The thought hit her with all its might.

"I'm gonna be a mum. After all I am really gonna be a mum." Teary eyed she looked at Meredith who was still staring at the circles in her hand.

----------------------------

George was nearly going crazy. After avoiding Callie and trying to figure out things for himself he couldn't stand the tension anymore. He had to talk to somebody and looking down the corridor that somebody was finally coming in his direction.

"Ah, there you are. Gosh, I thought you'd never come." Relieved he smiled at Izzie.

"What about '_Thank you, Izzie_'? You know, I don't need to talk to you and I don't need to answer your pager messages." Mad and kind of hurt she looked at George. He was her best friend and having him not around all the time was something she had to become used to.

Blushing and trying to hide his fear of what was still ahead George gave her an apologetic look.

"I am sorry but I really need to talk to you about some things. Please tell me you have time?"

Izzie's heart was melting and feeling sorry for her friend she sighed.

"Of course I have time. What's this all about anyway? Is it Callie? Are you two breaking up?" Clutching both hands over her mouth she looked at George with wide eyes.

"No, we won't break up but it sounds like you would be happy about it. That's what friends are for. Great." With sarcasm in his voice he turned around to leave.

"Oh come on George." Pulling him back and smiling at him he gave in.

"So, what's that mysterious behavior all about?" She opened the door to the linen closet.

"It's about Callie but it's not about breaking up. It's that whole baby stuff that makes me go crazy."

"Oh. Did you tell her that you needed more time?" Izzie was surprised by this turn of topic and made herself comfortable on a stack of sheets.

"Yes, I did. But she got all mad at me and…" With fear in his eyes he looked at Izzie. "I am such a big loser. I love her and I don't wanna lose her. What should I do? She hasn't been talking to me in two days and …"

Looking at George Izzie felt deeply sorry for him and trying to be supportive she gave him a warm hug.

"I think it's very brave that you told her about your feelings. It's not about one single person. It's about two making this thing work."

Confused George pulled back. "Which thing?"

"The relationship. She does love you, doesn't she?" It wasn't easy for her to form this sentence because having always thought that she and George would end up together it was even harder to remain supportive.

"Yes, she loves me and I love her but I am not in that place yet." Exhausted he ran his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes. "Please. You are my best friend. What would you do if you were me?"

Izzie was feeling uneasy. She didn't know what to say because she understood both sides and trying to find the right words she fumbled at her pager. George looked at her in anticipation and after another minute of silence Izzie finally opened her mouth.

"I don't know George. I really don't know. I've never been in this place but I believe in telling the truth and talking about your true feelings. Maybe Callie just needs some time do digest your point of view."

Not sure if this statement was of any help she shyly looked into George's brown eyes. She loved them and could lose herself in them.

"I guess you are right." George's voice made her return to reality.

"I don't know if I am right. I suck at relationships. I don't know if I can do this. Even Meredith has found som…" The sentence remained stuck in her throat. She gulped. Damn! What was she doing? Outing Meredith in front of everybody?

"What? Since when? It's not that long that I've moved out." Smiling George nudged Izzie.

"I…no. She hasn't." Feeling her face turn red she lowered her eyes.

"But you just said.."

"No, I didn't. Okay? You have to figure out your own relationship so leave others alone."

Taken aback by Izzie's outburst George remained at the spot like being stuck to it. What was going on with Izzie?

"I am sorry George. I didn't mean it this way." Exhaling she was at the brink of crying. Everybody was telling her secrets and she was the one to keep them to herself.

"Forget it. Let's blame it on 'the crappy day' of the week." George raised his hand to high-five Izzie.

"What?"

"I just declared Monday as 'the crappy day-day'. High five!" He laughed.

"High-five!"

"Thanks for listening to me. Maybe you are right. Maybe we both need some time to think things over. I just hope that she's seeing it the same way." Opening the door he smiled at Izzie thankfully.

"No problem. That's what friends are for. By the way, we could watch a movie from time to time or do friends-stuff. I really really miss you around the house. It's pretty quiet since you moved and Meredith is all…"

Again she didn't finish her sentence but thankfully enough right that moment Dr. Bailey was already shouting her name.

"STEVENS!!!"

"Have to go. Bye! See you around."

"Bye, have to do some work too." Lighthearted George made his way to the cafeteria, hoping to not bump into anybody or anything that had to do with work or relationships.

----------------------------

"Okay, now let's have a look." Addison pulled the chair close to the examination table. Her hands were sweating but she couldn't wait to see their child.

"Are you alright?" Meredith gave Addison a worried look. "I am really fine with this. It's no big deal." Smiling she pointed between her legs.

Addison wiped her hands at her scrubs and nodded. No big deal? It was the biggest deal she could possibly think of. Her whole life was about to change big time and trying to stay focused she closed her eyes and inhaled deeply.

"What's that?" Shocked Meredith pulled up into a sitting position.

"I'm gonna do a vaginal ultrasound. So I'm gonna use this stick because at this early stage I can see the baby better this way. Nothing to worry."

Meredith blushed. She felt stupid not having known this and laid back again. Feeling the cold stick she shivered.

Addison's insides were doing somersaults and trying hard to focus she acted like a robot.

"Look." She pointed at the screen right next to Meredith's head. "There is the cervix and the uterus."

Having already seen the baby on the screen Addison tried to remain professional. She gulped.

"And the baby?"

"Just a second. So. Here. That's the amniotic sack and do you see that peanut?"

Meredith tried to follow Addison's words and nodded slowly.

"That's your baby."

Meredith didn't know what she should think about the picture. In her head babies were cute and had arms and legs and everything. This didn't resemble that picture at all.

Taken aback by Meredith's rather cool reaction Addison remained silent. Maybe Meredith needed some time to take everything in. She turned to the nurse who was standing right next to her.

"Could you please give us a moment?"

"Yes, sure. If you need me I'll be waiting outside."

After the door had closed Addison turned to Meredith. "Something wrong?"

"No. Yes. I mean. I don't know. I can't believe that this is a picture of my baby. I cannot imagine that this thing is inside of me. It feels like you showing me one of those fancy modern-art pictures. You know, those were you try to act smart and pretend to totally know what's going on?"

"Ah, yes, but.." Addison nodded, not knowing what this was all about.

"I don't feel anything. Shouldn't I be over the moon or at least kind of happy?"

Worried and disappointed Meredith sat up. The picture on the screen disappeared and looking at Addison she sighed.

Addison tried to understand what she was talking about. She gently ran her fingers over Meredith's cheeks and arms and fighting for words she only nodded.

"Everything is happening so fast." A tear escaped Meredith's eyes.

"Hey." Hugging her tight Addison tried to not become teary eyed too. "We can do this. I know it's huge and thinking that you at first wanted to have an abortion I can understand you. Give it some time, okay?"

Pulling back some inches she laid a hand on Meredith's belly. "I am so excited about this and I can't wait to go on this journey with you. In addition I really know what you are going through emotionally."

"I doubt that."

"I've been pregnant once." It was out in the open. She had never told anybody about this experience and saying it out loud brought back all the memories and feelings.

"You were? Why? What? When?" Meredith was at a loss. Seeing the tears well up in Addison's eyes she suddenly felt stupid.

"I had an abortion. Derek wasn't with me on this and…" She gulped and taking a deep breath she continued. "…and I didn't want to ruin his life. So I decided on having an abortion. I wanted this baby but he didn't."

At these words the memories that she had tried to keep hidden came flashing back. With tears streaming down her cheeks she again tried to focus. Meredith looked at her with big eyes and grabbing her hands tight she listened.

"And then I never had the chance again. The rest is history. And now I am that dried up that I can't have a baby."

"Come here." Meredith pulled her up onto the examination chair and pulling her close Meredith felt Addison's heartbeat and her exhaustion.

"I had no idea. I am so sorry. But I will do this for you, okay?"

Addison sniveled. "I…no. You have to be sure about this. It's your body and you have to make this decision."

Meredith took Addison's hand and placed it on her stomach.

"I am sure about this. I really am. And knowing that this means so much to you makes everything much easier."

To underline her words she leaned into Addison and gave her a kiss. Addison was still crying and hearing Meredith's confident voice and feeling her soft lips on hers she knew that this relationship was different.

"Can I have a picture?" Meredith smiled.

"Sure. I wouldn't have let you leave this room without at least one."

After having printed the black and white proof of Meredith's pregnancy Addison started to relax. Making a second copy for herself she smiled.

Meredith stepped close to her and laid an arm around Addison's waist.

"My shift just ended. Gosh, I wonder how long the chief will keep me. I suck as a resident but to be honest: I am quite glad that Bailey has my interns now."

"Yes, you have to take care of yourself. It's not only you you are responsible for."

Rolling her eyes Meredith didn't respond to that statement. Pulling up her scrubs-top she got in front of Addison.

"Can you tell that I am pregnant? I don't really feel different. Sure, despite the fact that I now know why I've been that tired and so on. But in those scrubs I think I wouldn't have noticed for another two months."

Hearing these words Addison had to laugh. "I think you would have noticed pretty soon. I've already noticed it the other day in bed." Winking she looked her up and down.

"And yes, I can tell. But I think just because I know."

Blushing Meredith let the scrubs top fall loose over her pants. "Talking about bed…when does your shift end?"

"In twelve hours." Addison sighed.

"What? But that means you have to work for 24 hours. That's not even legal I think." Confused she stared into Addison's eyes.

"I know. But remember George's going away party? I arranged to be free and now I have to step in."

"I don't like the sound of this because I have my shift start when yours ends. Seriously, did I already mention that I hate those stupid shift plans?"

Laughing Addison hugged her close and remaining in this position for some minutes they both finally started to relax.

"When do I see you again?" Addison whispered into Meredith's ear.

"When's your next free day? Talking about free days. I guess I have to talk to chief Webber about this?" She pointed at her belly.

"Yes, you totally have to. My next free day is Thursday." Disappointed she looked at Meredith.

"Mine too. Hey, first time we are actually lucky concerning the timetables."

Beaming Addison put a strand behind Meredith's ear. "I guess. Should I come over to your house again?"

"Do you have something to hide in your apartment?" Meredith giggled.

"Sure, didn't I mention that I am a dealer?" Laughing she shook her head. "No, but I like it at your place."

Yawning Meredith nodded. "I can't believe how much you mean to me." Hugging and kissing goodbye Meredith made her way to the locker room, hoping that nobody nosy would cross her path.


	29. News

"Addison!"

Callie waved as she saw Addison walking down the hallway. Not knowing if she had heard her Callie started to walk faster to catch up before Addison could enter another room.

"Addi! What's going on with Meredith? Is she alright?"

Addison hadn't noticed Callie and startled she looked up. Her thoughts were still with Meredith and hoping that everything would become okay she hadn't been herself the last few hours.

"Sorry Callie. What?"

"I am wondering if Meredith is alright." Confused and a bit worried she looked into Addison's still kind of absent-looking eyes.

"Why do you ask ME?"

The mentioning of Meredith's name made her nervous and anxious she looked at Callie. Why did she ask? Did she know anything?

"Ahm...are you sure you are alright? I was standing in front of the room when you were paged to her, don't you remember?"

"There were a lot of people there." Apologetically Addison tried to find a way out of this precarious situation.

Callie shook her head in confusion and awaiting an answer they slowly walked by some nurses. Addison felt like everyone in the whole hospital knew what was going on and not daring to look into their faces she continued staring at her feet.

"Is she pregnant?" Putting one and one together Callie continued her asking. Still not getting a response of any kind she stopped.

"Addison. What the hell is going on with you? Did I upset you before by talking about my problems?"

"No. No, it's not you."

Trying to focus Addison looked into her friend's eyes. It was hard to keep a secret from her and scanning her brain for a plausible answer she started to panic. There was none. Why else would she become paged to Meredith?

"What is it then?"

Getting angry Callie grabbed her arm and pulled her into an empty closet right next to them. Pushing away some brooms and pointing at a bucket at the floor she closed the door behind them.

"Callie. Please. What are you doing? I am not in the mood for talking." Reluctant she sat down.

"Exactly. That's not you. Come on. We've been talking about everything so far and it doesn't feel great to sense that you are hiding something from me. I thought we were friends?"

Exhausted and at the brink of a nervous breakdown Addison looked up.

"I know. I trust you and I don't want to change this." She paused. Was it the right thing to do? Not giving it a second thought she nodded.

"Yes, she is."

"What?" There was no connection to the just said things.

"Meredith." Exhaling and leaning against the wall she tried to hide the tears.

"Oh." Callie remained silent and studying Addison's expression she got the feeling that there had to be more to the story.

"Is something wrong with the baby?"

"No, everything is fine." Still staring at the ceiling Addison remained still.

"Why are you crying then?"

Callie was at a loss. It was hard to hear that Meredith was pregnant and she wasn't. Why does people around her become pregnant so easily? Everywhere she looked women became pregnant, pushed strollers in front of them or carried little ones around. Trying to focus on Addison she gulped.

"I am not crying." Addison closed her eyes so that the tears wouldn't have a chance to roll down her cheeks.

"Okay then." Angry and disappointed Callie got up but was pulled back in a sudden move.

"No. Stay. Please." With pleading eyes Addison looked at her. "I…I could really need a friend to talk to. I…"

Feeling the pain and anxiety in her voice Callie slowly turned around.

"What happened?" Concerned she embraced Addison and the moment she had finished her question she felt Addison's body start to tremble.

"I…can't…take…this…any…more." Sniveling and shaking Addison leaned against Callie.

Callie's mind went wild and trying to not imagine the worst she held her tight.

"What? What happened?" Again and again Callie tried to get an answer.

"Meredith."

"What's with her?" She had no idea where this conversation was heading towards to.

In the meantime Addison's crying had turned into sobs. She pulled away and sat down again. Scared to death she didn't know if it was the right thing to tell but she needed somebody to talk to. Callie had always been there for her, no matter what. Reaching for the tissue Callie handed her and after blowing her nose she finally was ready to reveal her 'secrets'.

"Meredith is fine. She is okay and the baby is okay."

Still not knowing what was going on Callie tried to just listen.

"I am in a relationship." Apologetically she slowly looked up.

"Why didn't you tell me? That's great!" Cheerful Callie jumped up but seeing Addison still upset she quickly sat down again.

"That's great, isn't it?"

"Yes, sure it is great. I am totally in love." That was good. Maybe it was the best to talk about the good things and her feelings.

"Exactly what love should be." Callie giggled. "But why are you so upset about everything and why didn't you tell me? You know how much I like hearing those things."

"I know. Meredith..."

"Why are you always talking about her?" Callie interrupted. "I thought everything is alright with her? I don't get you. Did you snivel too much sanitizer?"

A short laugh escaped Addison's mouth but disappeared as fast as it had come.

"Yes, she is alright. Thank god. We are…she is…" She gulped. Damn it, Addison. You are not a teenager any more. So just get it over with.

"She is the one I am in love with." There. Out in the open she watched Callie's reaction.

Staring at Addison and not being able to answer Callie sat down on a stack of cleaning agent. Her thoughts started to go wild. _"Addison and Meredith in love? Why hadn't she noticed? Both becoming parents?"_

With all her might she tried to stay positive.

"That's…nice." A synthetic smile on her face she looked at Addison.

Addison was devastated. She knew Callie too well to buy her fake behavior and wishing she hadn't told her she again lowered her head.

"Please don't tell anybody. I need some time to figure things out. I mean, _WE_ need some time." Still not looking at Callie she continued talking.

"I know I should have talked to you. I trust you and.."

"Then why didn't you tell me? This is huge!" Raising her voice Callie jumped up. Scared of what might come Addison looked up, trying to calm her down.

"Again: I know. I should have talked to you. And I really wanted to, believe me." She threw her hands in the air. "My life just sucks."

Callie was taken aback by these confusing messages. On the one hand Addison seemed to be happy but on the other hand she looked like as if she couldn't even look at herself.

"I…I don't know what to say." Releasing a sigh Callie sat down again.

"You don't have to say much. Just…stay."

Exhausted Addison leaned back, tears glistening in her eyes.

"Believe me! Everything is more than overwhelming for me right now and there is so much that I have to deal with. I don't have the slightest idea of how this will ever be working out."

Callie had a hard time trying to understand, almost too caught up in her own problems and feelings.

"I am staying. Everything is kind of overwhelming for me too."

Hesitating she was not sure if it was a good idea to be that honest and pushing back her disappointment she put Addison's hands in hers.

"How long…I mean…how…"

"About one week."

"And…" Callie gulped. Bringing up the topic she felt like somebody would push a nail into her heart. "…and how far along is Meredith?"

"Ten weeks…so she's in her eleventh's right now."

Exhaling audible and feeling the urge to retract her hands from Addison Callie again tried to remain understanding.

"That's…pretty far along. Did she know? I mean, before you two…"

"No. No!" Addison interrupted immediately. "No, today. She found out today."

"And you are sure about that whole relationship and baby thing?"

"Yes, I am. I hadn't that much time to think it over but I am really really okay with everything." Adding a reassuring smile Addison looked at Callie. "How do you feel about this?"

Callie was taken by surprise being asked that question and after a short pause she tried to express her feelings.

"I don't know. I mean, don't get me wrong. I like you…A LOT. It's just…you and Meredith, I am fine with this. In fact, I am really happy for you. But the whole baby thing. I know I am acting crazy and weird and everything. I am a grown up and…"

"…you have all rights to feel that way. I know how desperate you are to become pregnant." Addison interrupted. "Take all the time you need for this." And with a wink she added. "Maybe we can become 'baby-buddies'."

Laughing Callie nodded. "Yeah, maybe."

Addison felt exhausted and relieved. She hadn't been that tired in months and looking at the watch she had to notice the fact that there were still hours of work to do.

"Thank you so much. You don't know how much this means to me."

Smiling Callie knew she had done the right thing and trying to act like everything was great she opened the door. There was hardly anyone in the hospital at this time and separating they both tried to stomach everything.

----------------------------

"Dr. Shepherd, can I talk to you for a minute?"

The chief was hurrying towards Derek, a smile on his face and a sheet of paper in his hands. Surprised Derek turned around, looking at his watch. There was still some time left till he had to be in the OR.

"Yes?"

"I just got words from Mercy West and as a matter of fact: I have found the perfect substitute for you."

Derek couldn't believe his ears.

"Wow…I don't know what to say. This is great." He ran his fingers through his hair and a wide smile on his face he shook the chief's hand. "Thank you so much. You won't regret this. As soon as I am back I will be as good as new."

Dr. Webber was not sure what to think about the whole situation but as a chief he had too much to deal with as to have time to dive into people's personal problems.

"So this is settled?"

"Yes. I am sure about this. And thank you again. When does the exchange take place?"

Laughing the chief laid a hand on Derek's shoulder. "The exchange? Sounds like I wanted to trade you in for money. The new surgeon will start his job one week from today."

"Monday." Mumbled Derek. "That's…that's fine with me."

He had hoped to leave sooner but one week would be possible to survive.

"Do I have to fill out some forms? How does this work?"

Talking about the formalities of his time-out Derek finally had the feeling that he was moving on. Away from Seattle Grace and away from Meredith and Addison and all the connection he had made so far. The leave would be a great opportunity to think things over and to rethink priorities.


	30. Love

"Grey, those are yours." With these words Bailey handed her a stack of charts.

"I know." Meredith sighed. She felt treated like a child but tried to stay calm.

"No, it doesn't seem like this to me. You have to do your work and you have to be on time. Otherwise there is no chance here." She pointed at the floor.

"But I do my work." Meredith protested, trying to suppress a yawn.

"Being pregnant doesn't mean you can't do your work. I know this very well myself."

Taken aback by Bailey's knowledge about her expecting she just looked at her, trying to figure out what was really going on.

"I know. And I don't want any special treatment. If you excuse me." Rushing by her Meredith pressed the charts against her chest, exhaling deeply.

"Who is she to tell me…"

Not watching her steps she nearly hit a gurney and looking up she was only inches apart from Derek. She couldn't tell who was more shocked and rearranging the charts she quickly turned around.

"Meredith. Wait!" After the first shock of running into her Derek finally had a chance to talk. "Meredith! Please. I need to talk to you!"

Meredith heard Derek's voice behind her and trying to ignore him she didn't know where to go.

Derek followed her for some seconds but he got the message by looking at her fleeing from him. He stopped and hurt he watched her disappearing around a corner.

Pacing from one corridor into the next, not looking around and not listening she finally felt like having shaken him off and leaning against a wall she looked around. There was nobody. No patient, no nurse, no doctors. She had never liked nightshifts. There was hardly any work to do but right now the silence was soothing. Gliding down the wall she sat down, placing a hand on her belly and laying her head on her knees. Feeling like there was not one tiny spark of energy left she tried to focus on her work. Her view fell on the charts in front of her. Some weeks ago she would have killed for having that many patients of her own and being trust with work and responsibility. Right now, the only thing she wished for was a bed and somebody to lean against.

"You just suck!" She cursed. "Grey…famous name…famous mother."

Grabbing her charts she stood up and straightened her scrubs. Exhaling deeply and closing her eyes she slowly nodded.

"I can do this. I just need to focus. This is my work and my passion and I won't let ruin this because of this stupid pregnancy."

Having regained some of her "Meredith-confidence" she smiled. "That's it. I just have to set priorities."

She opened the first chart and dived into the barely readable scribbling.

"I really have to try to improve my writing. I can't even read my own words."

Feeling more confident and also calmer Meredith continued her lonely walk through the hospital. Her mind wandered to Addison who she would meet in some hours. The thought brought sparkles into her eyes. Maybe she had finally reached that point in her life where not only her work was great but also her private life could work out fine.

--------------------------

Derek hadn't tried to find Meredith. He knew that she wouldn't want to talk to him. Maybe it was the best. Slowly he walked to the coffee machine, joining some night nurses.

"Hello Dr. Shepherd." One of the nurses stepped aside so he could get his coffee.

"Hello. Thanks." Absent-minded he pressed the button and listened to the newest gossip the nurses were exchanging.

"Did you hear that somebody is pregnant? Again! First Dorothy, then Anne, then Alex."

"No, I haven't heard. Who?" Interested in the new turn of topic the nurses eagerly continued their talking.

Derek smiled. Women. Slightly interested he pulled the cup from the machine and sat down.

"Maybe it's Dr. Bailey." Giggling a blonde nurse stated.

"No, she just had a boy. I bet it's one of the new interns."

Slightly annoyed a black haired nurse interrupted. "Why do you people even care about that stuff?"

"Because it's gossip." The blonde rolled her eyes.

Derek had to suppress a laugh. He grabbed a magazine in front of him. _"Improve your fishing"_ Diving into the topic he didn't pay attention to the nurses till a very familiar name was mentioned.

"What about Grey?"

Derek felt a sting and turned his head towards the two women who were left talking.

"Lexie? No, I don't think so."

"No, not Lexie. Meredith Grey. I heard somebody talking about her being at the newborn station."

Derek was sure his heart had stopped beating and trying to catch every word of their conversation his mind went wild.

"But that doesn't mean that she has to be pregnant. Geeze. Now I know why gossip is called gossip." Rolling her eyes she glanced at her watch.

"I have to leave now. Sorry."

"Yeah. I Just thought it could be possible. We will see. Have fun." Teasing her colleague she also got up.

"Yeah, you bet I will." Sarcastically she added. "It's the best thing you can wish for. Changing grown ups."

"Oookay, no more details please." Laughing the two nurses parted.

Derek was still in shock. There was no proof to anything and it didn't even make sense. Meredith couldn't be pregnant. And like the nurses already said. Maybe she had some other business there. Sure, maybe she was visiting Addison. They were close.

Releasing a deep drawn sigh he got up. A child was the last thing he could handle right now.

"If it was mine." He added quickly.

--------------------------

"Hey! There you are!" Addison stood at the front porch of Meredith's house and watched her getting out of her car. The sun was just coming up behind the trees and painted everything around them in a soft blue and orange tone.

"Morning!" Meredith waved. It had been an exhausting night shift.

Worried Addison headed towards her with wide spread arms. "You look terrible."

Walking into them and holding her tight Meredith yawned. "Thanks for the roses. You look disgusting too."

"Sorry. You know what I mean." Laughing Addison stroked over her back, inhaling her scent.

"I had to do some more work than expected." She pulled back to look at her watch. It was already eight in the morning.

"I thought so." She reached for Meredith's bag and arm in arm they returned to the house. "Luckily Izzie was there."

"Yeah, I hoped so." Meredith closed the door behind her. She watched Addison putting down her bag and slipping out of her shoes and jacket. Everything felt so calm and peaceful, nearly surreal.

"How was work?" Addison asked reaching for Meredith's hand to drag her into the kitchen.

"It was okay." Not wanting to talk about the previous night she sat down. "Over all, I am tired all the time. That sucks! Seriously! I want my energy back."

Wining she leaned into Addison who stood behind her, wrapping her arms around her chest and resting her hands on Meredith's stomach.

"You know why." Smiling she placed a kiss on her cheek.

"I know, I know. How was your shift? I didn't see you the whole night."

"Not much to do." She shrugged. "But let's stop talking about work. There are more interesting things than that."

Smiling she turned Meredith around. Every inch of her body was longing for her. It was a crazy feeling to be that scared and that sure about the exact same thing. She looked into Meredith's tired eyes, felt the warm fabric beneath her fingers and knew that everything had to work out. It just had to. There was no other way and there was no turning back. She cupped Meredith's face with both hands and brought it close, pressing her lips soft against hers. The sensation sent vibrations through her whole body. She felt Meredith's hand on her back and hearing a soft moan escape her mouth she knew everything was going to be okay.

"Sorry"

The voice let the two of them startle. Turning around Izzie was standing in the kitchen door, smiling. Slightly embarrassed Meredith quickly wiped over her mouth. Addison didn't know what to say. She knew that Izzie was in 'on the secret' but she hated those kinds of surprises.

"I didn't know you guys were in here. Oh, and did I already mention that you two look too cute?"

"Izzie!" Meredith enjoyed Izzie's comment but it was too strange to fully take it in. She turned to Addison. "Come on!"

Addison hadn't said a word so far and trying to act nonchalant she reached for Meredith's outstretched hand.

"I think we could need some sleep. We both just finished our nightshifts."

Izzie couldn't help but smile. "Yes, sure. Go to bed."

"IZZIE!!" Meredith knew this undertone in Izzie's voice too well and to save them from more embarrassment she just pulled Addison out of the kitchen.

"What was that all about?" Confused Addison pointed back but Meredith just laughed. "Come on."

Suddenly the weight she had been carrying around the whole night had disappeared and feeling comfortable she tried to stay positive and not giving everything too much thought.

It had always been the same. First she had fallen in love. Everything had been great and she had felt like there could be no better guy out there. Then her conscience and her brain had started to work and the more she had thought about her situation the more she had started to act like a robot. If only there was a way to put her brain to sleep and to just feel and exist in these moments.

"Hey you, are you okay?" Addison's voice immediately brought her back to the present, realizing that they had already reached her room.

"Yes, I am great. I thought about my previous feelings and so on…relationship stuff and all I want is to be with you." Suppressing another yawn she pointed to the bedroom door.

"If you don't mind. I would love to take a shower first." Addison interrupted.

"Yes, sure." Blushing Meredith felt stupid. Of course she had to shower. The nightshift had just ended. "Can I join you?"

What was that? Meredith didn't know if she was sleeping or awake but by the surprise in Addison's facial expression she knew it had to be real. Normally Derek had been the one to ask those questions and not once she had thought of herself as that straight forward. Could she blame it on the hormones?

"Really?" Addison loved taking showers as a pair. Her heart was beating in her ears and all she could see was Meredith following her into the bathroom. Meredith didn't say a word but slowly she reached for Addison's shirt, pulling it off and exposing her chest. Addison was wearing a white bra and in combination with her toned skin she looked breathtakingly beautiful.

"Something wrong?" Addison felt insecure having Meredith staring at her.

"No. You are…" Meredith didn't finish her sentence. Her whole body was tingling of excitement and feeling Addison's hands working on the buttons of her blouse she felt like bursting any second.

Trousers and socks followed quickly and only clad in their underwear Meredith couldn't stand the temptation any longer. She pulled Addison close to her chest. The warm skin, the unique scent and the almost unbearable tension made her shiver, longing for more.

Addison didn't know if she was excited or afraid, eager or scared. She wanted to be close but at the same time she wanted to be miles away. On the one hand she was alright but on the other hand the thought that they were both women was constantly there.

She felt Meredith's hands opening her bra. Holding her breath and closing her eyes she tried to return to just feel and enjoy. Her hands seemed to be living a life of their own. They opened Meredith's bra, wandering down her spine to her slip and pushing it down. It was not the first time Meredith was seeing her naked but still it felt different.

"I am cold." With clattering teeth Meredith pressed her body against Addison who couldn't suppress a grin.

"Believe me. I can feel it. If I didn't knew that these were your hands I would say that a snowman was touching me."

Laughing Meredith quickly stepped into the shower, following Addison out of the corner of her eyes.

Finally the warm water released her from her frosty being. Meredith didn't know if it was because of her exhaustion but everything felt so right. Lovingly she reached for Addison's hand and pulled her close, resting her head against her shoulder. The water was running over their bodies and closing her eyes she felt Addison's hands on her back. She placed a soft kiss to the back of her neck and moved her hair out of the way. Feeling Addison shiver beneath her touch she continued her exploration. Finally free of depressing thoughts her hands slid freely over Addison's skin. Gently cupping her breasts she sensed Addison's fast heartbeat and knowing that she enjoyed it as much as she did she became more secure.

"You okay?"

"Mhm!" Not able to say more Addison caressed Meredith's back down to her bottom. Feeling Meredith's hands on hers she pressed her close, releasing a deep moan.

"I couldn't think of anywhere else in the world to be right now."

Their breathing became more infrequent as they pressed their bodies against each other. Their lips locked, their tongues met and their fingers explored each other eagerly. Forgotten was everything around them and feeling Addison's body respond to her touch Meredith smiled.

Addison didn't know what was happening but not able to control her body anymore she gave into Meredith's touch and hardly breathing she slowly felt her insides explode. Her arms clung to Meredith and trying to remain in a kind of upright position she squeeze her eyes together. Meredith felt like she had made love to a woman a million times before. Her instincts told her what to do and feeling Addison quiver she herself felt like a million ants were running up and down her body. Supressing a loud outcry Addison squeezed Meredith tight, not able to move and Panting she looked into Meredith's eyes.

"I..have to sit."

Not awaiting an answer she slowly sat down, pulling Meredith with her.

"Gosh! What did you do to me?" Addison was still fighting for breath and it was then that she realized the still running water. "Steamy in here."

"I love you. That's all." Beaming Meredith leaned against Addison's chest. She laid her head on her shoulder and looked up into Addison's still blurry eyes.

"Wow. And you are sure you never had a girlfriend so far?"

Meredith felt Addison's heart beating against her back and a broad grin on her face she wrapped Addison's arms around her.

"Nope."


	31. Italian restaurant

_**THANK YOU ALL** for your reviews. I am sorry that this chapter has taken me that long to write but I was not in the mood for writing at all. But..I am back and I hope you enjoy the new chapter. As always it's great to hear from you through some reviews!!! _

* * *

"Callie? Are you in there?" Cautiously George knocked at their bedroom door. He could have walked in straight away but it felt more like a "knocking" situation.

"Yes, I am in here." Callie was sitting at the bed, a book in her lap and some cookies right next to her.

"Can I come in?" George's muffled voice sounded through the still closed door.

"Sure. I am just reading." The door slowly opened and George stuck his head through the crack. Callie closed the book and looked at him, trying not to laugh at his odd behavior.

"Are you afraid of me?"

"No, why should I?" His voice didn't sound convincing at all. He indeed was afraid. Not of Callie of course but of those tense situations that used to build themselves up within seconds.

George sat down next to her. "Dead poets society?" He was surprised seeing that title. Over the last few months she hadn't been reading anything else than pregnancy books.

"Yes, it's one of my favorites and I thought it couldn't hurt diving into something else than hospital work and childbirth."

Callie knew she had been a little bit over the edge with him. There was still one week left till she could do a pregnancy test and till then she had sworn not to mention it in the presence of George.

"Never read it. I just know the movie and it's really depressing. I mean, why does that guy kill himself in the end? He's so young and he had his whole life in front of him."

He reached for the book. It showed marks of being read over and over again and flipping through it he continued shaking his head. "Why do you like it that much?"

It was the first time in weeks they were talking like this. Callie smiled. "Maybe I like it so much because I can relate to him in some ways."

"You wanted to commit suicide?" George jumped off the bed staring at her in fear. "If this is because of me pressuring you not having…"

"GEORGE! Calm down." Callie hadn't expected that outburst of emotions. "No, I mean I could relate to it when I was younger. My father always wanted me to do better than I did and I was never okay with myself because of him. Now I am. I totally am. BELIEVE ME!"

She looked him deeply in the eye and slowly calming down George's facial color returned to a normal human one. "Sorry. I am a bit over-sensitive at the moment."

"It's okay. But you get it now?"

"Hm, I guess. Why are you reading it now if you are not in that place?"

"Because I can read it with some distance and I can still relate to my feelings then. It sounds weird I know but it's like a healing process for me."

Giving the book back to Callie George nodded. "I think I get it. I also get that men's brains aren't really made for such complicated 'read-between-the-lines' things. I like reading Winnetou."

Bursting into laughter Callie shook her head. "You are so cute when you talk like this."

"Like what?" George smiled.

"Like this. Like the George I love."

Smiling he leaned over to kiss her. "I love you too. It's gonna be alright with the three of us."

"The thr…oh." Blushing she wrapped her arms around him.

"Now who is the slow one?"

At this unexpected turn George smirked but immediately changed the subject. He didn't want to go down that road again.

"I am starving. It was crazy today. Lucky you to have a day off. I'm gonna cook some soup. Want some?"

She smiled at him. "What about going to a restaurant? We haven't been to dinner together in ages."

"Sure, why not." He was tired but this opportunity can't be watched passing by. "There is this great little Italian restaurant right next to Meredith's house."

"Sounds good to me."

--------------------------

Meredith was the first to open her eyes. A short glimpse at the alarm clock told her that it was already late in the afternoon. How long had they been sleeping? Eight, nine hours? Feeling a bit queasy she decided to roll over onto her back, trying not to wake Addison whose arm was resting at her back. But the only reaction she got was a sigh and an even tighter hug. Addison clung to her like a little monkey. Meredith could feel the slow and steady breathing against her ear and trying to relax she closed her eyes again. Her stomach had stopped revolting but her brain hadn't. The incidents of the last few weeks were coming back and she finally had time to think about everything.

Absent-minded she stroked Addison's arm that was resting on her chest. She was in love with a woman. Again and again she had to tell herself that this was okay and this was great. Still…it felt strange. She opened her eyes and looked over to Addison and smiled. Who couldn't fall in love with her?

Then there was Derek. At this thought she pressed Addison tighter against her as if this would convince herself from having done the right thing and having made the right decisions. He must be hurting. Why else would he even try to talk to her? She felt awful to have hurt him so much. In addition to all of that she would be always reminded of him by looking at their son or daughter. Not able to move her hand to her stomach she just continued looking at Addison.

"Maybe it isn't the right decision. Maybe it will become too complicated." Whispering she tried to remain focused.

"Uh…whadd…morning." Addison's soft and gentle voice sounded against her ear.

"Good evening." Meredith smirked, trying to push away all the distracting thoughts. "Nothing. I was just talking to myself." Quickly she leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on Addison's lips.

"What time is it?" Sleepily Addison turned on her belly and propped herself up on her elbows.

"Nearly five."

"And I am still tired." She slumped back onto her pillow, forming a ball-like object out of it.

"Me too." Underlining the just said with a big yawn Meredith rolled over to Addison and wrapped an arm around her naked back.

"Yeah, bud you alallowww dobe tid." Addison's muffled voice sounded through the pillows.

"What?"

Turning her head to face Meredith Addison grinned. "I said that you were allowed to be tired."

Trying to smile back as brightly Meredith nodded. "Maybe."

"Sure you are."

"Do you think I made the right decision?"

Alarmed Addison turned around to face Meredith. "What are you talking about? I thought you are happy about it?" She slipped her hand under the bedcovers and rested it on Meredith's still nearly flat stomach.

"It will always remind me of Derek."

Addison didn't know what to say. It was a fact that this was Derek's baby too.

"I know but maybe…maybe we can all come to peace with it by talking to him?" The second the sentence was out she knew how stupid it was to even say it.

"Yes, sure. Hello Derek. Your ex-wife is my girlfriend and we are having your baby."

Meredith's raised her voice. "That's not easy, you know? I wanted to have an abortion right away."

"What?" Addison was shocked. "Meredith. I know it's frightening but don't you think we can do this?"

"Who promises me that we will stay together?"

Addison knew that Meredith was right. There was no promise for a happy ever after but at least they could try.

"Nobody but isn't that the point in every relationship? You try to make it work and hope that it will last a lifetime. Nobody can give you that kind of safety. But if you wait for the right person to come along you will spend your whole life just waiting and waiting."

Meredith was taken aback by that much honesty. She would have preferred to hear words like. _'Don't worry. Everything will be fine. We will stay together forever.'_

"I don't know. Maybe I want this. Maybe I am that person who wants to wait and wait and wait and die old and acerbated."

Addison smiled at Meredith's childish stubbornness. "But you are already in it. Let me love you and you will see it will work out. And I also can tell you one thing."

Meredith blushed. She knew she was acting stupid and looking at Addison's smile it just had to work out. "What?"

"That I am starving. What about having a nice and quiet dinner in that little Italian restaurant where we went some weeks ago."

Thankful for the change of topic Meredith sat up. "Sounds good to me."

--------------------------

George opened the door and lead Callie into the dingy but comfortable restaurant.

"I can see why you like it so much. The old furniture and the whole atmosphere is just…" Callie didn't find the right word but George knew what she was talking about. Enjoying their evening out he for the first time in weeks felt comfortable being with her.

"What about that table over there?" Callie pointed at a small one in one of the many corners of the restaurant. "If it isn't already taken. Sure."

The second they had taken their seats the restaurant doors opened again and Addison lead Meredith the way in.

"Thank you." Meredith swooped by her and purposeful she aimed for the table they had had the first time. Without debating Addison followed her.

"Isn't that Addison and Meredith?" George couldn't believe his eyes. He had just been looking for a waiter to order when his view had fallen on the two very familiar faces sitting two tables afar from them. Callie's head shot around and looking at her best friend and her new partner she gulped. George didn't know about them and after what Addison had said George and nobody else should know so far.

"Yes." Callie turned back to face George. "But please don't try to talk to them. I want to have that evening for us." She wouldn't have bothered joining them but this way a lot of questions could be avoided.

"You are right. But since when are the two of them that close?"

Not getting an answer right away he dove back into his menu card. Why wondering about women's stuff? He knew he had no chance really understanding those kinds of friendships. One second they hate each other and the next one they are best friends because some other women who was the best friend in the first place had done something terrible. And so now they hook up to talk about the once best friend and… he had lost track of his own thoughts. Stupid complicated things.

Meredith and Addison hadn't recognized George and Callie so far and enjoying being kind of unknown they finally started to feel like a real couple. Meredith reached for Addison's hands and held them tight.

"I am sorry for talking shit."

"Don't be. And it's not shit. I am thinking about all those things a lot myself. I don't know what's best. Maybe I am selfish, you know. I can't have children."

Meredith felt the pain in Addison's voice and squeezed her hands tight.

"But that shouldn't have an influence on your decision. It's not too late to have an…an abortion." Addison gulped and whilst talking she knew what impact these words could have.

"No. I won't. After all it's your baby too."

Addison tried to hold back but she just had to. She leaned over and pulled Meredith close, kissing her softly on her cheek. Addison slowly opened her eyes and met with George's. Pulling apart like having gotten electrified she sat back on her chair.

"Addison?" Meredith looked at her puzzled and following Addison's geustures she soon met eyes with George too.

"Hey George." She waved.

"What are you doing?" Addison was white as the wall.

"What? I am being nice to a colleague. I thought he knew."

"No, he doesn't know. Only Callie knows and I let her swear to keep it to herself. Gosh, I am dying here. Soon everybody will know and…"

"Addison. Stop it. We are adults and gossip will be around sooner or later."

"But…" Taken aback by those harsh and not really understanding words she remained silent. Again she looked over to George but he already was deep in conversation with Callie.

"Callie. What's going on over there?" George couldn't believe his eyes but still…there was no doubt. They seemed 'really' close.

"Where?" Callie acted nonchalant.

"Over there. Addison and Meredith. After all you have to know what's going on. Addison is one of your best friends." He rolled his eyes. "Since when are they best buddies."

"Oh come on George. I don't think they want to have their relationship discussed when they try to get some peace."

"Their what?"

Callie hadn't thought about her choice of words and slowly she drifted from smoke to smother. Addison was her best friend and she had made a promise to her.

"Their friendship. Yes, they have learned to like each other."

George was lost but Callie soon took his mind off the two women bringing it to the discussion some hours ago.


	32. Balancing act

Izzie retracted her hands from the incubator. She had finished the last routine checkup. Addison was working right next to her. It was an awkward situation for both and each of them was trying to avoid starting a conversation. A quick glance at her pager told her that there was indeed no extra work waiting. Izzie laid down the stethoscope to rearrange her ponytail, not knowing what to do next.

"_Hopefully it will snow very soon. Hm…skiing. Whom with? Damn relationship stuff…I will never find the right guy. Maybe I should try women. Meredith had luck… or maybe that cute guy in the cafeteria. Coffee…hm…already had four. Am I hooked on that stuff? No. Addison is a great doc. Maybe I should speak up. I know her secret. That's awful to think. She looks athletic. Maybe she likes skiing. Meredith could come too. No, too clumsy. Have to check the weather-forecast. " _

"Dr. Stevens?" The unexpected sound of Addison's voice made her jump.

"Yes?" Izzie was kind of surprised to get that extra attention. In fact, she had already planned on discussing not being as involved in the whole working process like she wanted to be.

Addison looked up and directly into her eyes. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Uhm…yes?" Still not sure what's to come Izzie remained distant.

"Please, Izzie. I need to talk to you about Meredith. I know it's work and I know private life shouldn't interfere with it but I just can't stand this any longer."

What the hell had happened? It had only been two days since Addison was at their house. What could have possibly gone wrong?

"Does Meredith know about this?" Insecure Izzie pointed at the two of them and seeing Addison shaking her head she was entirely confused.

"It's nothing she shouldn't know or even doesn't know herself. Gosh, why is everything so fucked up." Addison threw her hands in the air and sat down. She pointed at the chair right next to her.

"Oookay, what's going on."

Izzie had always thought of Addison as a professional and one hundred percent organized. This behavior clearly didn't fit into her picture. But…she seemed more human and that was a good point after all.

"You know I am very happy for you guys and I know that we are not supposed to bring personal stuff to work. But…"

"Izzie?"

Blushing Izzie stopped her babbling and fidgeting with her fingers she sat down.

Addison continued. "I know that you are not the person to overlook problems or private stuff so I think we are both safe, aren't we?" With a wink she made Izzie clear that this had to remain between them.

"Hm. Yes. But before you start talking I want you to know some things."

"Go on." Addison was surprised by Izzie taking action in this but was glad that she took her time to listen.

"As I already said before. I am really happy for you guys and I haven't seen Meredith as happy before as she is now with you. She even has gained some weight and it looks GREAT on her. But don't tell her I mentioned this to you because..."

"Yeah, about this…" Addison tried to interrupt but Izzie continued her talk without listening.

"Give me one more minute then I am all yours. Please don't screw her up and please don't make me do all the gross stuff round here. I want to do real stuff like having my own patients and having some responsibility. I am working my ass off and the only stuff I am allowed to do is updating charts and listening to the babies' heartbeats. I mean, not that this is great work but I would really appreciate having something more demanding."

Addison frowned. "Real stuff?"

Izzie only nodded and she knew by Addison's reaction that she had gotten the message.

"Okay, I'll think about it. But now it's my turn, isn't it?" It has been a long time since somebody had told Addison what to do and not the other way round. It felt strange and she hadn't known that side of Izzie.

"Yes." With the well known warm smile Izzie leaned back, proud of herself. She had decided to step up for herself and not being the 'cute blonde warm hearted' Izzie who everybody could screw over.

"Dr. Montgomery?" A nurse stuck her head through the crack of the door.

"Yes?" Annoyed Addison looked up.

"I can't find the charts. Did you put them somewhere else?" Sorry for the interruption the nurse tiptoed from one foot to the other.

"Oh, I am sorry. Here. I updated them. You can take them." Izzie handed her the stack right next to her.

"Thank you. Bye."

"Concerning Meredith's weight gain…hasn't she told you yet?" Addison wasn't sure if it was okay to tell Izzie but she had the feeling that this was a good point of time.

"Told me what?" Izzie clung to Addison's lips. She was curious to finally get to know what was going on.

Relieved that the topic had come up that soon Addison leaned back.

"Meredith is pregnant."

Izzie's mouth gaped open. "What?"

"Shht! Meredith is pregnant. I know this isn't something she can't keep to herself that long but we are still trying to get used to the thought."

Izzie was over the moon. "Wow! Those are some news. I should've noticed."

"Hm...yes. Mainly that's one thing I wanted to discuss because…I…Callie knows by the way…I wanted you to know in case something unforeseen happens and I am not there."

"Why? Is Meredith at a risk? How far along is she? Wow…I really haven't expected her to keep it."

Shocked about her own words she covered her mouth.

"I know and she didn't want to. We talked about it and she is okay with it. But that's the problem. She is only okay with it and I am not sure if she is doing this only for me. Gosh, that sounds so selfish. She's now eleven weeks and so there's only one week left to make a final decision."

Izzie was at a loss of words. She hadn't seen Addison in that state so far and she felt deeply sorry.

"How long have you guys been together? Two weeks?"

Approvingly Addison nodded.

Izzie's brain did overwork. "It's Derek's, isn't it?"

Again Addison just nodded.

"How do YOU feel about everything?" Izzie asked.

"Me?" It was the first time that she got asked about her feelings in this whole thing.

"Yes, you. I mean, haven't you told her how you feel about this?"

"Sure I have. At least I tried. I wanted to be supportive and to be there for her but right now everything is just too overwhelming. Falling in love, having to hide everything away, being afraid of losing another baby,…"

Izzie listened closely. "Another baby?"

"That's another story." Addison tried to stick to the important stuff. "I just don't know what to do and I am here to ask you what in god's name I am supposed to do. I am not that professional when it comes to private matters, you know?"

"Nobody is. You just deal with it. Step by step. I've had a baby when I was a teenager and I gave it away. It hurt but it was the only thing I thought would be right. Maybe there would have been many possibilities."

Addison's puzzled look showed Izzie that she had lost her.

"Anyway, what I want to say: You are doing a great job. You two are together and you try to figure things out the way it is best for both of you. Meredith is her own person and she also has to stand behind her decisions. So if she decided to keep the baby it is her responsibility. Even if you made her think about it twice. You don't have to handle everything you know? You have friends too."

"Only Callie." Addison answered disappointed

"That's not true. You have me too." Izzie got up and pulled Addison into a comforting hug.

"Thank you." Feeling awkward getting hugged by her resident she tried to smile.

"You are welcome. Any time you want to talk…I am your person. And don't forget the 'real stuff'." Izzie winked.

"I won't. Sorry I treated you like an intern. The situation is new to me too."

"Wow. Addison Montgomery becomes human."

--------------------------

Meredith sat down in the waiting area. She had been on her feet for hours and the more she tried to accept her being tired the more she got tired. It was a viscous circle.

Leaning back she laid her head on the backrest of the chair and her hands on her belly. There were nine days left to make a final decision. For the first time in her life work wasn't the safety net. It was the high wire she was walking on, trying to reach the other end. But where was the end of this?

Addison was in the whole thing with her. Derek was the father and she had to talk to him. Christina wasn't in the best mood and she couldn't even blame her. Izzie still didn't know about her pregnancy and George was invisible at all. Over all she had lost her interns to her lack of responsibility.

Releasing a deep drawn sigh looked at her pager. No new message. Scanning the surroundings she saw George running into a patient's room and Lexie eating an apple. They really had not much to worry about.

"That's selfish." Meredith ranted over herself.

After taking another look around her she again tried to focus on making a final decision.

"Hey you." Addison laid a hand on Meredith's shoulder and sat down next to her.

"Hey. What are you doing here?" Happy to see her Meredith got closer to Addison.

"I've been talking to Izzie and I wanted to tell you immediately. I've told her about the baby." Smiling she reached for Meredith's hand who didn't withdrew it.

"You did? How come? What did she say?" Not angry at all but relieved that Izzie knew she wanted to know the rest too.

"Not much. At first she said that she had noticed your weight gain and she made me promise not to tell you."

"I gained weight?" With big eyes she stared at Addison.

"Ahm, it would be strange if you hadn't."

"Sorry. It's just…I am sitting here because I am trying to figure out what I really want. I know I've said yes to the whole thing but I am still not sure."

Meredith looked at Addison with worried eyes but Addison didn't seem to be devastated.

"I know. Take your time. I have to leave. Just wanted to tell you this. See you later." Fighting the urge to kiss her goodbye Addison squeezed Meredith's hands.

Meredith smiled. After all she was not alone in this and Addison was really excited.

"What do I want?" Slowly her hands wandered over her belly, trying to dive into the feeling of being pregnant. She was already showing a little bit and everything was more real than she maybe wanted it to be. Feeling the bulge under her fingers she smiled and after some seconds she caught herself picturing the three of them; Addison, the baby and she. There had been no Derek in it.

"That's weird." Still moving her hand from one side of the belly to the other she hadn't recognized Derek standing only some feet away. He had just left a patient's room when he had seen her sitting in the waiting area.

"What's weird?" Derek tried to start a conversation. Maybe he had a chance to talk to her.

Meredith jumped at the very familiar voice. "Gosh. Don't you ever sneak up on me like that." White as the wall she quickly retracted the hand from her stomach and stared at him.

"I wasn't sneaking but sorry if I frightened you. Please. I need to talk to you. At least let me tell you some things. It's important to me."

With pleading eyes he sat down opposite her. Meredith sighed. "Only if it's not about us."

"Promise." Derek smiled. "I only wanted you to tell that I'll be away for some weeks."

Meredith was surprised by this turn of events. "When?"

"I'll be gone by Monday. So you only have to look at me for two more days."

"Derek. Listen. I am okay with our situation."

"But I am not. I need some time to figure things out and I just wanted you to know." It took all his strength to sound optimistic. Deep inside it hurt talking to her and listening to her voice.

Meredith didn't know what to do. She wasn't sure if she kept the baby. If she did it would be only fair to tell him. But what if she decided not to? Then it would make no sense to talk to him right away.

Waiting for an answer he stared at her. "Meredith?"

Still not sure what to say she just nodded. The situation started to become awkward and to break the silence Derek got up.

"That's all I wanted you to know. So, that's it, I guess. Take care."

"You too." Meredith looked at him awkwardly. She just couldn't tell him. "Take care."


	33. Happy Birthday

**Chapter 32 – Happy Birthday**

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Addiiiiiiii, happy birthday to you!"

"Hey! You remembered?" Surprised Addison stood in the middle of one of the examination rooms.

"Sure I did. 13th of October. Don't tell me you haven't told anybody. It's your 40th birthday! Come on! Happy face!" With a big grin Callie approached Addison who was still in kind of a shock.

"No, I haven't. There are more important things going on right now. Gosh, I am officially old now."

"More important? Hey, your birthday is important. Every year it is the same with you. At least it has been the last two years. Haven't known you that long. Anyway. Here." Handing her a nicely packed present Callie expectantly sat down on the exam table.

"Thank you! But you know that you don't have to give me a present."

"Oh stop it and open it." Giving the stirrups on her right and left side a short look she added. "Weird feeling."

Addison laughed. Izzie was right. She had friends to rely on. Some weirder than the others but they were there; no matter what. With happy tears glistening in her eyes she walked over to Callie.

"Scooch over!"

Doing like demanded Callie made room for her and watched Addison unwrap her present.

"What did you get from Meredith?" Callie couldn't withstand asking but she didn't get an answer. Addison was sitting next to her, staring at the book in her lap _'What to expect when you are expecting'_.

"You like it? I own it too and it's really great. I know you are a gynecologist but you are expecting so you don't only should know the medical stuff but the rest too."

Addison couldn't say a word. Without any doubt it was a great present and she didn't want to hurt Callie by telling her that this hurt more than it helped.

"Thank you! I don't have this book so far." Trying to sound happy she looked up.

"What does that mean? So you already have books like this?" Disappointed Callie got up.

"No, I don't have books like this. This is great. Really Callie."

Trying to find a slight change of topic she answered Callie's second question.

"Oh, and I haven't told Meredith that this is my birthday. There is so much going on and I don't want her to bother about this."

Callie stared at her in disbelief. "What? You haven't told her? It's your 40th birthday for heaven's sake. You are telling her, do you understand me? Or I will, I swear. I will drag you down to her."

Laughing Addison got up too. "I promise I will tell her tonight. So, tomorrow you can ask her if I have done my job."

_Beep, beep, beep! _

Callie pulled the pager off her scrubs. "Sorry. Have to go. See you at lunch?"

"If you are down in about an hour we will." Smiling back at her Addison waved a short bye. Alone again she slowly opened the book.

"Please Meredith! Decide to keep the baby."

Scanning through the book hurt but she couldn't stop.

"Everything will work out the way it is supposed to be." Trying to focus on her work she laid the book aside.

--------------------------

At the same time Meredith was standing next to the chief and Dr. Bailey in front of the OR board, trying to suppress the urge to run to the bathroom. Since her shift had started she had been in there an already countless number of times but lucky enough there had been no puking involved.

"Ah, Dr. Grey. Can I have a word with you?" The chief's dark and authoritarian voice made her wince inwardly. It had to happen sooner or later.

"Yes, sure." Not knowing why he wanted to talk to her she convinced herself of this being just another routine talk. After having closed the office door behind him Dr. Webber looked at her.

"Tell me, Meredith. What's going on with you?" His warm but piercing eyes rested on her.

Meredith didn't know what to think about this? What did he want to hear? That she was a lousy resident? That she was pregnant? That she wasn't able to have control over her own life?

"What do you want me to tell you?" Meredith asked back hesitatingly.

"I want to know what's going on with you. Why weren't you capable of dealing with three interns? That's not the Dr. Grey I know."

Meredith remained silent. She didn't know how to explain herself without getting into more trouble than she already was in.

"I don't know." Absent-minded she rested her hands on her belly. It comforted her in a strange kind of way.

"You don't know? So you are telling me that this is you, the Meredith Grey I know? I don't believe you. Dr. Shepherd is leaving us because of relationship troubles and you are telling me that there is nothing on your mind?"

In shock Meredith just stared at him. Derek had talked to him about their break-up? Dr. Webber was surprised by his own words and apologetically he came closer.

"I am sorry. That was inappropriate."

He sat down opposite her and rested his head in his palms.

"I just don't know what's happening at this hospital. Is it me? All I want is to know what I have to deal with. The patients have priority."

"It's not your fault. I've made a big mistake and I have to pay for it. It shouldn't be you. My private life is interfering with work. I…I just can't help it. All my life IS in this hospital and denying it would be like denying who I am."

"But you are a professional. It's your goddamn job to act like one. And you have been with Dr. Shepherd and have done a great job at work. I don't see the connection." Losing his patience he got up again, pacing up and down in front of her.

"This is different." Meredith now really had to pee. Trying to get this over with as fast as she could she got up too.

"You really want to know what's going on? So here you go: I am in a relationship with one of your staff members. AGAIN! On top of it I am pregnant with Derek's baby. I still don't know if I am keeping it. So, other than being constantly tired and in the bathroom there is nothing more to say."

She had dropped the bomb. It had sounded much better in her head but there was no chance of withdrawing the just said. Looking at the chief she remained silent. He had stopped right in front of her, staring at her in confusion.

"You know that under those circumstances I can make you come back to repeat your residency when the baby is born."

"If it even will be born. I want to finish my residency." Meredith added defiantly.

He knew that this was not the right way to deal with this problem. Worried and annoyed he tried another approach.

"When will you have decided if you keep it? How far along are you?"

"Eleventh week. I have one week left. Though I still have to discuss it with my partner." Tiptoeing from one foot to the other she tried to stay focused.

"Meredith. You know I like you and I really try to understand. But for the patients' sake I have to act like an asshole. There can't be made any mistakes because of private matters."

Meredith just nodded. She knew what he wanted to tell her.

"So. Suggestion. You try to figure things out till Monday and then we will make a plan how this is going to work in the future. Deal?" He outstretched his hand and after hesitating for some seconds Meredith shook it.

"Thank you. I really understand your situation too. And if you excuse me…I really really have to pee."

Laughing the chief lead her the way out of his office. Maybe he should start becoming a little less human. It would make everything so much easier on him. With a big sigh he closed the door and slumped into his leather chair. There needed to be something done. But what? Absent-minded he looked at all his awards and the picture of his wife. They haven't had much time together since he had become the chief of this hospital. A lot of sacrifices he didn't even want to think about had to be made and knowing exactly what Meredith was fighting for he smiled sadly.

--------------------------

"Over here, George." Izzie waved him over to their table.

"Ah, hey. I am starving." He slumped into the empty chair right next to her and Christina who had already finished their lunch.

"Guess what." Christina's eyes were sparkling.

"What?" Izzie smiled at George whilst listening to Christina.

"Derek is leaving."

"What?" She had their unshared attention.

"Oh please. Shut the doors." Giving both of them a quick tap on their chins she smiled triumphant.

"Why? When? What?" Izzie wanted to hear every detail of this. In the back of her mind she knew this had to do something with the whole Meredith Addison baby thing but right now she was just too curious.

"Come on. We wanna hear every single detail about it." George added, shoveling food into his mouth like he hadn't been eating in days.

"That's it. That's all I know."

Disappointed Izzie leaned back. "That's all?"

"Hey, that's big. You people. At least it's gossip. Invent the story on your own, find out about some other things and put the puzzle together. You know what rumors are made of. Speaking of rumors."

The second Christina had started talking about rumors Meredith had entered the cafeteria.

"Sorry guys. Have to leave." Izzie suddenly had the weird feeling that warning Meredith would be the best to do.

"Derek is leaving. Rumors are spreading." She whispered brushing against her.

Meredith didn't get the whole message but enough to know that gossip was working as usual.

"Why isn't she sitting with us?" George mumbled. "Ah, there's Addison too. Yeah, did I tell you that we met them at the Italian restaurant two days ago?"

Absent-minded he mumbled away, lost in his thoughts and having Christina clung to his lips.

"I knew it."

"What?" George raised his head in confusion. What was going on?

"I knew that there was going on something between them." On the spur of the moment she got up and walked over to their table.

"Hello Meredith, hello Dr. Montgomery. Strange seeing you two being that close."

Addison nearly choked on her sandwich and Meredith gave Christina a look that could kill.

"What are you talking about? Come, sit with us."

Trying to make nice Meredith pointed at the still empty chair opposite of her. She had always seen Christina as her person but the more she got to know Izzie and Addison the more she knew that this friendship wasn't the one she was looking for. There just had to be more involved than sarcasm and not talking about stuff.

Not taking the offer Christina just gave them a cold look and left. Sighing Meredith leaned back.

"Addi, I don't know if I can take this any more. Now Christina is turning her back on me and some minutes ago I told the chief about the break-up and the baby. He said that I had to make a decision till Monday."

Addison didn't know what to say. She had hoped to have some quiet lunch with Callie but as long as she wasn't showing up she had to talk over serious stuff.

"Please not here. I don't want people to know." Addison hushed.

"Oh Addi, please. Don't you see what's going on here? Everybody is making up his or her own story and within one week it will be out in the open. There is no chance we can let this ruin our life. We have to deal with it."

Meredith was surprised by her own words. She hadn't really thought about this. It had just come out of her.

"I know this is hard but … oh hi Callie. There you are."

"Hey. Hey Meredith." Callie sat down next to Addison, sensing the tension. "So, haven't talked to you in a while."

Meredith wasn't sure if Callie was kidding or just playing dumb. They haven't been talking at all so far.

"Congratulations, by the way." Callie winked.

"Ah, thank you…I guess. But I have to leave now. So, enjoy your lunch."

The second she had gotten up she had already regretted it. Sparkles everywhere she grabbed Addison's shoulder and tried to focus.

"Meredith? Are you okay?" Callie saw the color drain from Meredith's face.

"Yes, yes, everything okay. Sorry. Bye."

"Bye." Two worried pairs of eyes followed her still swaying figure.

"I don't know where this all is going to end. Gosh Callie, what am I supposed to do."

--------------------------

"Priorities."

Remembering the promise she had given to herself some days ago Meredith leaned against the elevator walls, closing her eyes and exhaling deeply.

"Hello Dr. Grey." Lexie was standing in the corner right next to the doors but Meredith was deep in her thoughts. Not even noticing the friendly and shy intern she continued her talking to herself.

"You have to do your work and you will do it. You have to make a decision and you will make it."

Lexie got confused. "I am. I am trying" She mumbled. "But I am not your intern anymore."

_Beep, beep, beep_

Taking a quick glance at her pager Meredith smiled. _'Love you. Take care. Addison'_

"Yeah, everything will be just fine with the three of us."

"I am sorry Dr. Grey. What's that supposed to mean?" Lexie had enough of playing this weird game and raised her voice.

Jumping out of shock Meredith nearly crashed against the billboard.

"What…I…I didn't even see you. I am sorry."

"Okay." Lexie stared at her entirely confused.

Not knowing what to say Meredith's mind went wild. Lexie knew about her being pregnant and about her relationship with Addison.

"Lexie? Do you have a minute?" The third ding of the elevator made them both step out and only nodding Lexie waited for Meredith to talk.

"Did you talk to anybody about my situation?"

"No. I thought it was better to not talk about it." Lexie looked at her with a smile.

"Thank you. I…I would really appreciate it if you kept it to yourself a little bit longer." Relieved Meredith exhaled again. Gosh, there was so much to think and talk about.

"I will. Anything else?"

"No." Already on the verge of leaving Meredith hesitated. "Yes, there is. Sorry for being that rude to you."

"It's okay. I am used to it." With these words Lexie turned around and left, a triumphant smile on her face. Sometimes it was the best to just leave things the way they were.

--------------------------

"Finally." Meredith slumped onto her bed in exhaustion. Addison was still standing in the doorway smiling at her.

"You get your rest and I'll cook dinner for us."

With a yawn Meredith just nodded, not able to open her eyes. It had been a long day at the hospital and a long day of talking. Slowly she heaved herself in an upright position, trying to reach the alarm clock. It was still set to 6 p.m. and she didn't want to hear it ringing being down in the kitchen. More hitting after it than grabbing she knocked it off the nightstand.

"Great!" Rolling her eyes and cursing a little bit more she dragged her tired body to the edge of the bed to find the clock lying in Addison's backpack.

Leaning over the edge she nearly emptied her stomach directly into it.

"Geeze. Can't I do anything?"

Enervated she slowly slid of the bed, kneeling down to finally get the desired object. She already wanted to turn around when she read the title of the book that had lain beneath the alarm clock.

"What the hell? I thought it wasn't sure yet?" Taking the book out of Addison's bag she went back into bed.

Angry Meredith flipped through the first chapters. The pictures on the first few pages looked gross.

"There you go. 11th week."

Taking a quick glance at the door she made sure nobody was coming. She indeed was curious what was going on inside of her.

"Okay, that doesn't look that bad at all. It already has arms and legs and everything."

"Meredith, dinner is…" Addison stopped in midsentence. She couldn't tell who was more surprised but it was definitely an awkward situation.

"Don't tell me that you have the same book." With one quick jump Addison was at Meredith's side.

"What? Mine? No, it's yours. Just wait a second. I thought it was my turn to decide on this but as it seems you have already chosen for both of us."

Addison looked at her bewildered. "No, I haven't. This is a birthday present from Callie. It's my birthday today."

Meredith didn't know if she was awake or dreaming but this was definitely too much information at once.

"Your birthday? Don't tell me that I don't even know my girlfriend's birthday." Grabbing a hand she pulled Addison close.

"It hadn't come up so far and so I guess it wasn't that important."

Meredith had to fight a laugh. This was absurd. She didn't even know how old Addison was.

"Maybe a little late to ask but how old are you?"

Addison grinned. "Guess."

"First of all: Sorry for accusing you without asking. The alarm clock had fallen into your bag so I had to get it. Anyway. Hm…let me take a closer look. Very athletic figure, hardly any crinkles, a cute smile and a sexy aura. I would say 29."

"Oh stop it. You know I am older."

Meredith smiled at her mischievously. "No, seriously, I can't tell. I suck at this guessing game."

"Forty. I am forty. You have a really old girlfriend."

"Happy birthday!" Rolling over to Addison she pulled her close and gave her a loving kiss. "I don't care how young you are because I love you. But I don't have a birthday present for you. Don't you wanna celebrate? I mean it's not just any birthday. It's your 40th."

"When is your birthday and how old are you, bye the way?" Ignoring the question Addison awaited an answer.

"My birthday is on the 10th of November and I'm gonna turn 38."

Addison nodded. "Okay..that's not too much difference. But I don't really care about age."

"Me neither. So, what do you want to do? It's an important one. Don't you wanna go out or do something special?" Meredith hadn't given up.

"No, I have everything in my arms. This is the best present of all."

Meredith smiled and nodded to herself. It was time to talk.

"Yes, about this. I have made a final decision. I'm gonna have this baby. And to tell you…your book can be really convincing."

Not knowing what to say Addison just started crying. "This is the best birthday present ever."

"You are welcome." Meredith yawned.


	34. Emergency Part 1

This wasn't right. Something was happening to the baby and she knew she had no time to lose. Opening the incubator Izzie reached for the crying baby. It's arms and legs were stiff from the panic of getting not enough air and its lips were already blue.

"Think, think." At the edge of crying she just stared at the little boy. Her hands were shaking. She couldn't move, she couldn't think. The only thing she knew was that this was not supposed to happen.

"Izzie, what's going…oh my god."

Addison had just entered the room to check on Izzie and her patient. She hadn't forgotten her promise and given Izzie some 'real stuff' to deal with. By the looks of the situation this was too real.

"What's happening?" Shocked and fully alert Addison pushed Izzie away.

"I don't know. I should know. I…" Staring at Addison she was hoping for a miracle.

"Get a nurse. NOW!" At this harsh order Izzie jumped.

"I, yes. Sorry."

Addison didn't react. She was already increasing the amount of oxygen. No reaction. Her hands were getting numb and hearing Izzie return with a nurse she just shouted some orders. Without hesitation the nurse and Izzie tried to fulfill them as effectively as possible. After another ten minutes the boy's vitals finally started to return to normal.

After a while Addison slowly closed the incubator and stepped back, staring at Izzie with wide eyes. She was sweating like having just crossed the finish line of a marathon and her brain was empty.

"I am sorry. I totally panicked. I didn't know what to do, I…"

"It's not your fault." Addison sat down.

"What? Of course it is. I messed up big time. Maybe you were right still treating me like an intern."

Izzie was confused. She leaned against the wall right next to Meredith.

"No, you didn't mess up. I gave him into your observation because you act with your heart and he really needs to be loved and not only treated like a robot."

Addison closed her eyes and sighed. The beeps of the machines the baby was hooked to were the only noise in the room.

Izzie didn't know what to think of this. Sure it was important to care for people more than just in a medical way. But still…the medical part was her job.

"I know that I made a big mistake and I am sorry. I will try harder the next time but I don't agree with you that I wasn't the one who messed up."

Side by side they both stared at the incubator in front of them, being over alert to any sign of unnatural behavior. The tiny boy was sound asleep and his skin tone was already back to normal. Slowly Izzie approached the incubator and stared through the glass at the fragile, with cables and sensors covered body.

"I am sorry. I won't mess up a second time. Promise. I mean, I hope that there won't eve be a second time." Pausing she trailed her finger along the glass pane.

"We will be okay." She smiled. This was her calling and she couldn't think of being anywhere else but at this station.

Addison couldn't bear the situation that was slowly enrolling itself in front of her. It was too much. She would be a parent soon and what if she wasn't able to take care of their child? What if she was a terrible mother? In fact, there will be two mothers. How could this have happened to her? What if the baby was sick? She had to deal with these cases constantly and watching Izzie trailing her finger along the incubator she felt like her insides were ripped out. She was becoming a mother but it didn't feel at all like she had always imagined. There were so many worries and the baby wasn't even close to be born. And what if their relationship didn't last? Till now she had always thought that if it was meant to be she would find another 'love of her life', that life would still continue after a breakup. Right now it felt like this was her one and only and also last chance to make things work. And it frightened her more than she could admit to herself.

Hearing Izzie's words she gulped. "I…I have to take a break for some minutes. Can you please cover for me?"

Izzie had already forgotten that Addison had been sitting behind her whilst talking to the boy and felt kind of dumb. Her cheeks flushed she turned around.

"Sure." Her view fell on Addison's white face and shocked Izzie rushed to her side. "Are you okay? Are you sure you want me to cover? After this?" She pointed at the incubator.

"Yes, please." That's all Addison was able to say and trying to sound self-secure and competent she smiled. "I…I have to … I have to do stuff."

"Dr. Montgomery, are…"

"You can call me Addison at work too. I think it's only appropriate." With a fake smile Addison slowly got up.

"Okay, then…Addison. What's the matter? You are not yourself anymore. Did something happen?" Worried Izzie gave her a puzzled look.

Exhausted and still trying to sound cheerful she shook her head. There was definitely no need to talk about her worries right now. "Thank you." With these words Addison turned around and followed by Izzie's worried look she headed to the door. After the door clicked shut Izzie slowly walked back to the boy.

"Just between you and me." She turned right and left, just like Addison had always used to do.

"This hospital sucks. I mean, everywhere you go people tell you how exhausted they are and how crappy their lives and relationships are. If you asked me I would say that Meredith and Addison could be really happy. They have a relationship. They are having a baby on the way. They have friends and a good place to work. What's wrong with them?"

Pausing she looked at the baby's vitals. "You are doing fine."

A smile on her face she brushed some blonde strands out of her face.

"Do you think I can leave you here? I have the weird feeling that some people in this hospital need somebody to talk to."

Not sure if she could already leave she paged for a nurse to take over and after some minutes she was walking through the brightly lit hallways of the hospital.

--------------------------

Meredith was sitting in the locker room, staring at her open locker in front of her. At first she had thought the dizziness would go away but after two crucial hours of trying to stand upright and doing her work she had given in. Now that she knew why she was feeling that way she knew that she couldn't change it. But still, it felt like as if somebody else was taking over her body. She pulled the pager off her pants and pacing between the lockers she typed a message.

"_Don't feel alright. I am in the locker room. Meredith" _

Hoping that Addison would have time to stop by she sighed. With arms crossed she stared out of the window. Today was her last chance to tell Derek in person. Tomorrow he will be gone. She didn't like to admit it but she felt awful not having told him in the first place. Over all he was the father and he had a right to know. And who could guarantee that everything would work out with Addison? Whom was she kidding? The more she thought about everything the more she started to panic and the more she panicked the more awful she felt.

A wave of nausea hit her. Fighting the tears she hit her fist hard against a locker and shocked by the more than loud crash she insecurely looked around. Thank god she was still alone.

_Beep, beep, beep!_

The second her pager went off a big smile crept over her face. Reading the message it vanished as fast as it had appeared. It wasn't Addison but another emergency. Pulling herself together she laid both of her hands on her stomach.

"We can do this. Now, you pretend not being here and I promise we will get through the day just fine."

She hadn't even finished the sentence when her face went white. Maybe it hadn't been the best to tell it to pretend not to exist. Grabbing her chart she ran as fast as possible in direction of the emergency entrance. Not having come far she saw Derek standing next to some nurses, talking and maybe giving some instructions. For a split second she wanted to stop but the emergency had to have priority.

--------------------------

"Meredith?" Addison stuck her head into the locker room. Not getting an answer she hurried through the room. "Meredith, are you in here?"

_Beep, beep, beep!_

"911. Shit!" Turning around and hoping for Meredith to be alright she made her way through the crowd in the hallway.

"Miranda, what's going on here?"

Dr. Bailey, who was shouting orders at her interns, spun around. "I have no idea. Has to be huge because…" She didn't have to finish the sentence. The look on her face told Addison to keep going.

Like some other nurses and doctors she jumped into the elevator.

"Hello Addison." The very familiar sound of Derek's voice went through her body like an arrow. What was it with him that she was still feeling uncomfortable and observed in his presence?

"Hey." Trying to bring the topic on neutral territory she continued the small talk. "Do you know what's this all about? Not often that we don't get any information."

"Don't know." Derek shrugged his shoulders. "But I'll be gone by tomorrow so this will be my last big mission."

Surprised Addison spun around. "What?"

"I'll be gone by tomorrow. Hasn't Meredith told you?" A more hurting than sarcastic smile on his face he looked at her. Addison was about to answer when the elevator stopped and all occupants pushed their way out.

"Does he know about them?" For the first time since they had broken up she was the one who wanted to continue a conversation.

"Derek." Running she pushed some nurses in front of her aside and came to a halt next to him.

"What?" They were already heading towards the emergency entrance. Still there was nothing to see.

"I…why Meredith?" Addison was confused. Panting and not knowing what else to ask she waited for an answer. Pushing the doors open they stepped outside. A bunch of doctors and nurses were lined up, all waiting for further information. Derek hadn't answered Addison's question and the longer he remained silent the more uncomfortable she started to feel.

"So you know." Addison stated.

"Know what?" Derek slowly turned around. "That you and Meredith are close? Yes, I know."

"And…you are okay with this?" In total shock about his so 'normal' reaction she stared at him in disbelief.

"Why shouldn't I be? It's none of my business." He took a few steps towards the chief who was staring at his radio device and the chart in his hands. "What's going on here?"

"A sunken ship or some boats. I got the message that most of the victims will be sent here. Our ambulances are already on their way but they haven't come back yet."

A bunch of frightened interns and some nurses were anxiously waiting right next to them and Addison had just spotted Meredith who was sitting at a bench with her eyes closed and her hands on her stomach.

"That doesn't look good. That doesn't look good." Torn between wanting to hear more from Derek and running to Meredith she just continued staring.

"Some boat or ship accident." Derek's voice made her jump.

"Ah, okay." Distracted by Meredith's misery she forced herself to listen to Derek. "So you were saying?"

"The accident had to…"

"No, not that." Impatiently Addison interrupted him. Time was precious and the ambulances could arrive any second. "I mean about Meredith and me. So you are okay with us being together?"

Derek's mouth dropped open.

"WHAT?" His voice was all high-pitched and he threw his arms in the air. "WHAT? YOU ARE WHAT?"

Addison stared at him. This was clearly not the reaction of a person who knew.

"But you said you knew about us?" Her pulse quickened. "I…Derek. I…"

Derek wasn't able to think straight. With big furious eyes he stared at her.

"You two are together like we were? Together together? The two women I was screwing are now screwing each other?" Looking around like his head was loose he didn't know what to do. So he had made out with lesbians? What was wrong with him?

"No, Derek. This wasn't supposed to happen and we were more than shocked too. But…it happened and now you know and…oh my god. Meredith."

Not paying any more attention to Derek she rushed by him. Having eyed Meredith out of the corner of her eyes she had just watched her throw up into a bin right next to her.

Looking after Addison and turning back to the chief who was still trying to find out what was going on he was totally lost. Slowly he walked after Addison who was already kneeling in front of Meredith.

"I…" Meredith's face was white as the wall and leaning back she tried to suppress the tears. "I don't know what's going on."

"Are you sick?" Derek had stopped right next to them.

Addison slowly got up, not knowing what to say. Meredith didn't know that he already knew and she didn't want to upset her anymore. She sat down right next to Meredith and brushed some strands out of her face.

"Do you have a tissue?" Meredith had used all hers and had the feeling that this wasn't over.

"Here you go." Derek handed her a pack.

"Thanks." Not looking at him Meredith took it. "What's going on here? Why is nothing happening?"

Again Derek was the one to react. "Nobody knows. We are all waiting." Observing the two women in front of him he felt awful.

"Tomorrow I'll be gone and you two are finally free."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Meredith slowly raised her head.

Full of agony Derek raised his voice. "Oh don't play with me. Addison just told me…"

"Because I thought he already knew."

Apologetically she looked at Meredith who still had no clue what this was all about. Feeling another wave of nausea coming up she grabbed Addison's hand and moved closer to the bin.

"How should I've known that you are together?"

That was too much. Again Meredith emptied her stomach. Not knowing what to say or do Addison just waited for everything to be over.

"Derek, Addison! I need you over here."

The chief's voice made them both jump. Addison felt like splitting apart. This was the worst-case-scenario she could've imagined.

"Grey, what's happening over here?" Bailey came rushing to her side.

"I'm fine." Trying to sound okay she slowly got up.

"Then take over this ambulance. My interns will be there to listen to your instructions." With a wink and a strange smile Dr. Bailey turned around, leaving Meredith in her misery.


	35. Emergency Part 2

"Lexie, over here. Steven, Brian, get the patient." 

Frustrated that she was again stuck with Meredith, Lexie walked over to her half-sister. 

"Patient was drowning … body temperature low … pulse steady but slow." Brian's report came immediately. 

"Bring him in." Meredith ordered. "Lexie and I have to discuss further treatment." 

With big eyes Lexie stared at her. That was clearly not the person she got to know first hand. 

"Take over." Meredith thrust the chart into Lexie's hands. Not sure if she had heard right she didn't move, waiting for some more instructions. 

"Why are you still staring at me? Move. It's your patient and your responsibility." 

"But…why?" Lexie went white. She had always dreamed of having a patient of her own but this was really scary. 

"Do you want the case or not?" 

"Yes, yes, of course." Shocked she spun around and headed after Brian and Steven. 

Whilst running she studied the chart. Every single cell of her brain was working on maximum and slowly she knew exactly what to do. Feeling more confident she finally caught up with her two colleagues and together they wheeled the patient off. A short look over her shoulder told Lexie that Meredith wasn't coming along with them. She was on her own. But despite all her fear she was excited. 

Meredith was scared to death having given the patient to Lexie. To her very relief the ambulances around her were all taken over and slowly she walked back into the hospital. 

"_So Derek knows. He will be gone by tomorrow." _

_Beep, beep, beep! _

Scared she pulled the pager off her pants. Lexie needed her. "Shit!" At a rapid pace and cursing she followed the rest of the crowd, not knowing how long she could actually pretend being okay. 

--------------------------

It had been three hours since the emergency call. Three hours between wondering and worrying. Addison was standing right next to a woman who had gone into preterm labor. Slowly she backed off, wondering where Derek could be. She had to find him. There was not much time left to discuss the previous incidents. 

"Addison?"

"Hey." Forcing a smile on her face she spun around. 

Callie was leaning in the doorframe. "Do you have five minutes?" 

"Yes, sure." Thankful for the distraction and after making sure that the woman was alright she followed Callie. 

"What's this all about?" Smirking she poked her. "Why are you all worked up?" 

"Sssht. Look." Seeing Callie reveal the pregnancy test she was carrying with her Addison's smirk transformed into a wide grin. It was so great to finally see someone positive. 

"Did you take it? Tell me!" Overanxiously Addison stared at the package.

"No, I haven't. Do you really think I could hide the outcome for longer than two seconds? I thought maybe you wanted to come with me to find out." 

Callie was nearly bursting with excitement. 

"I wouldn't want to miss this for the world. How do you feel? Do you think it's happening?"

"Oh my god. You are worse than I am. And I thought I was all crazy." 

Laughing she linked arms with Addison and giggling they made their way to the nearest toilet. 

"Are you done yet?" Addison was staring at herself in the mirror, smiling from one ear to the other. 

"Gosh, I haven't even unbuttoned my trousers. Maybe I should've done this without you." 

"Oh stop bubbling and do it already." 

"Ey, ey, captain!" Callie didn't want to reveal how nervous and anxious she really was. If this wasn't working out she didn't want to be too disappointed. Flushing the toilet she stared at the stick for a split second. 

"Oh come on. You are finished." Addison turned around when she saw the door open.

"If you don't stop I will throw you out." Callie teased her, laying the test next to the sink in front of them. 

"You tell me. I can't watch." Fumbling with her fingers she leaned against the wall. 

"How long do we have to…"

"Three minutes. I think I am dying." Callie pointed her view to the ceiling, counting the spotlights. 

"No you are not." Staring at the stick Addison wished for a second pink line to appear. "Why didn't you take a blood test?"

"Because I don't want anybody to know." Callie slowly walked back to Addison. Her heart was pounding twice as fast as usual. 

"Okay, good point. Hey, did I already tell you that Meredith is keeping the baby?" Cheerful Addison tried to distract Callie but this was clearly not the right topic. 

"How…nice." Callie gulped. "How long?" 

"One minute. Gosh, a child at the check out counter isn't that impatient as you are." Addison stared at the white stick in front of her. There was still no sign of a second line. 

"I know but I am really nervous." Fumbling at the buttons of her white coat she stepped closer to Addison. Both were staring at the stick. 

"Is this a second line?" Callie kneeled down and looked at it from another angle. 

"Where?" Addison tried the same. "No, don't see one. By the way, why isn't George doing the test with you?" 

"Because I didn't want to bother him." Callie answered with a sad look. "I think that's it. There will be no second line."

After a quick glance at her watch Addison sighed. "It has already been five minutes. But we can do a short check up if you want." 

At the brink of crying Callie took the stick and quickly stuffed it into her pocket. Addison insecurely patted her at her shoulders. She didn't have the feeling like Callie wanted to be hugged and trying to find the right words she dived for a tissue in her pockets. 

"Maybe next month." Addison knew how much this hurt. She had been there countless times herself. 

"I know. George will be thrilled to hear that it's negative." Callie forced a smile on her face. "Thank you for doing this with me. How are you holding up?" 

The change of topic took Addison by surprise.

"To be honest, I don't really know. Everything is so exhausting. Gosh, Meredith isn't feeling good at all. In fact, it's getting worse and worse. Now that she knows that she is pregnant everything she has suppressed so far seems to surface big time. I…"

Callie interrupted her. "I wasn't talking about Meredith. I was asking about you." 

"But that's what's bothering me." Addison answered, not sure if she even knew herself what was going on with her. 

"How does it feel being with a woman?" Callie knew exactly what to ask and Addison gulped. 

"I…ah…okay. Yes, it's really great." 

"Damn it Addi. I am your friend. For once and for all, stop being so damn perfect around me. I know you are only human and I've also seen you cry, by the way."

Shocked and slightly hurt by those harsh words Addison fell silent. How did she really feel?

"You are right. I shouldn't be – how did you put it? – so 'damn perfect' around you. So…how am I feeling?" She pulled the pager off her pants. There was no message and her shift would only last for half an hour. 

"When's your shift over?"

"Half an hour. Thank god." Callie answered with a sigh. "Why?" 

"We could go to the on call room or the coffee machine. The toilet isn't the best place to talk, you know?" 

Laughing Callie nodded. "I guess you are right. Where?" 

"Closet? On-call room? Coffee?" Addison shrugged her shoulders. 

"Okay, then the on-call room it is." Callie led the way and some minutes later both slumped onto a bed. It was nearly dark outside and for a split second Addison's thoughts wandered to Meredith and Derek. She wanted to talk to both of them. Meredith's shift would be over too and they had made plans to meet at the main entrance. 

"So, talk." Subconsciously Callie pulled out the pregnancy test. Giving it a short look of disappointment she threw it into the trash. 

"Being with Meredith feels great but weird, you know? Like falling in love for the first time. You don't know what's expecting you and everything seems to be perfect. It's just so strange. I've never actually thought that I could end up like this one day. I just did it. I am so scared about the whole thing but so happy too."

Callie clung to Addison's lips and just nodded from time to time. 

"Look at me. I am forty and I feel like my life has just started. I feel more like a teenager than a grown up."

Addison stopped talking and insecurely looked at Callie who was just about to ask a question. 

"But what's bad about those feelings? I would give the world to have back this feeling for one moment." Not knowing if she was any help she again fell silent. 

"It is great. Don't get me wrong. I know that I love Meredith and I am not even scared to say it out loudly. What scares me is that I haven't known this feeling till now, this incredible feeling of total happiness. Do you know what I mean?"

"Sure. Have been there with George. Right now it…" With big eyes Callie scooched closer. "Wait a second. You don't know this feeling? What about Derek? What about Mark?" 

Addison only shook her head, realizing that maybe this was the scariest thing of all. Not having known and experienced this kind of feeling so far. 

"So this is your first big love?" Callie couldn't believe her ears and a big grin appeared on her face. "That's something." 

"Don't look at me like that." Addison couldn't hide the big grin and slightly blushing she nudged Callie into her side. 

"Can I ask you something personal?" Addison stared at her feet.

"Sure." Anxiously Callie awaited the question. 

"Are you jealous of me?" Addison blushed. 

"Why?" Trying to avoid her voice changing she stared at Addison. "W…why should I be?" 

"Because…because I am about to become a mom and sometimes I get the feeling that you are more pretending to be okay than you really are." Having dropped the bomb and changed the subject in one sentence Addison remained silent, watching Callie's reaction. 

"No, I am not." She knew that her shaky voice was giving her away but she just couldn't admit it to Addison. 

"Come on. You said I had to be honest with you. So why are you still trying to hide stuff from me." Relieved that the main topic was off her chest and on Callie's side Addison exhaled. 

"I know. It's not that easy, you know. I want to be a good friend and jealousy hasn't got room in this." 

"What, why?" Addison got up and started pacing up and down in front of Callie. 

 "Stop it." Reaching for Addison's hand she pulled her back down onto the bed. 

"Sorry. Just felt like too much energy." Embarrassed she took Callie's hands. "About this jealousy thing. I think that this is perfectly human and it would be really strange if you weren't. I mean…" Her view traveled to the trashcan where Callie had thrown away the test some minutes before. 

"Yeah, I am. I am really and it makes me mad because I don't want to feel this way. But I will get there too, you will see. And now stop talking and asking about me. We are here because of you. Tell me more." 

"Hm…okay. Still, I think…"

"Stop thinking and start talking." Callie pouted. 

"Okay, okay, okay. So, where were we?" 

"You said that you felt like a teenager." Callie giggled. 

"Thanks for reminding me." She rolled her eyes but inside she was really glad to be able to talk to someone about her feelings. 

"Yes, so…right now I am trying to get used to the thought of being with a woman. For example: I still don't know how to handle this at work or in public."

"Have you talked to Meredith about your concerns?" 

"No, not really. I've tried but there are so many other things happening that this seems so unimportant."

Callie remained silent. 

"Maybe I should give this all more time. After all people here don't give a shit about me. It's all about gossip. I really should be more secure about my decisions." 

A quick glance at her watch told her that Meredith would probably be already waiting for her.

"People do give a shit about you. In fact, they envy you because you are so perfect." 

Addison couldn't suppress an ironic laugh. "They what?" 

Calm and if this was an every day statement Callie repeated the sentence. "They envy you."

"Me?" 

"Oh come on Addison. You are the always-perfect one around here. Perfect at work, perfect looks, perfect hair, perfect choice of words." 

"I am the biggest mess on earth and you know." Addison was shocked but also relieved that people seemed to buy her performance. 

"I know but nobody else knows." 

Exhausted Addison laid back and stuffed the pillow under her head. She was tired of being the strong one and Callie had once more opened her eyes. 

"Addison?" 

Meredith stuck her head into the on-call room to make sure Addison hadn't fallen asleep. She had been looking for her round the hospital for over half an hour after she hadn't shown up at their agreed meeting place. 

Callie raised her head. "Oh, hello. Addison is here." 

Meredith quickly closed the door behind her. Not sure if she was interrupting something she remained standing next to the door. 

"Hey you." Came Addison's tired but calm voice from behind Callie. 

"Sorry, we've been talking longer than expected. How are you holding up?" 

Callie gave Addison a frowning look. Was everything they had been talking about within the last hour worth nothing? 

"Yeah, I am fine. Am I interrupting something? I can come back later." 

Meredith felt awful but she had the gut feeling that this shouldn't be about her.

Addison sat up. "No, no, stay. We were just talking about..." Tired of pretending she pointed from Meredith to herself. "…talking about us." 

Meredith gulped. "Us? Okay…so should I come back later?" 

"We could grab something to eat…if you want." Callie suggested in direction of Addison. 

"Sounds wonderful. I am starving. What about you?" Two inviting pairs of eyes rested on Meredith and pulling herself together she smiled. 

"Why not." she agreed, trying to suppress a big yawn. 

Addison laid an arm around Meredith's waist, pulling her close. Not sure what this was all about Meredith shifted away. 

"Since when are you okay with us being seen in the hospital?" 

Addison gave Callie a short look who nodded approvingly. "Because I know that I want to be with you and I don't care anymore what people think about me."

"You, Addison Montgomery, don't care about people's opinions? Wow! Callie, what did you do to her?" Smiling Meredith also faced Callie.

"Oh, let's say: We had a word between friends. And you are a lucky woman to have her." 

"I know." Meredith also laid an arm around Addison's waist and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. 

Addison felt like the whole Mount Everest had suddenly vanished from her chest and looking at Meredith she knew that a great burden had fallen from hers too. 

"Maybe we shouldn't care too much about people's opinions. I'll be fat soon anyway and everybody will find out sooner or later." 

"Look at you two." Callie stood smirking at the door, pushing down the door knob. "All grown up." 

"Scary." Meredith laughed and arm in arm they left the on-call room, not bothering about people's stares. In fact, nobody even noticed. 

Addison felt Meredith's weight leaning against her and looking at her she knew that she had to be awfully tired. 

"Are you sure you want to come with us?" Addison asked concerned. 

"Yes, totally. I need some distraction. Tomorrow is my day off so I can sleep in." 


	36. Revelations

"Sloan?" The voice on the phone sounded grumpy.

"Hey Mark. Derek here."

"Derek?" Mark couldn't hide the surprise in his voice.

"Do you have a minute?"

Not sure if he had made the right decision calling his once best friend, Derek laid back. He was still in his blue and white striped pj's. It had been five days of wondering and worrying. Alone in the trailer he had had a lot of time to think about the shocking revelations.

"Did something happen to Addison?"

Hearing Derek's voice and still not over her she was the first thought that popped into his mind. They had never talked their situation over. Derek had been with Addison and he, having been Derek's best friend for years, had fallen in love with her and also acted on it. Something a best friend normally would run away from as fast as his feet would carry him. But when Addison had sent him signals that she was interested too everything had just happened. After Derek finding out about the two of them their friendship had gone down the drain. Worse, it stopped existing.

"No, she is okay." Derek was a nervous wreck. He sat up again and inhaled deeply. "I took some time off from work."

 "You did what?" Mark's voice sounded more shocked than surprised. Fully alert he listened to Derek's words.

"I took some time off. But that's not the…"

"You? Derek Shepherd? You took time off?"

"Mark, please. That's not the point. I…" His thoughts trailed off for a split second. Why was he even calling Mark? Because he had no other friend? Because work had been more important than confiding in other people?

"Derek?" The silence on the other end of the line made Mark feel uncomfortable.

"I need a friend to talk to." Derek closed his eyes and anxiously waited for an answer. He was already sure that soon the only sound he would probably hear was the beeping noise of being hung up on.

"Where are you?"

"What?"

"Where are you? I can come over if you want."

Mark had the gut feeling that this could be a second chance for their friendship. He was as alone as Derek sounded at this very moment.

"I am in my trailer."

"I'll be there in about an hour."

"Thank you."

Still not sure if he had done the right thing, Derek slowly got up to make some coffee. Pullovers, shirts and socks were strain across the trailer. He hadn't felt like cleaning up since he had left work. Moody and still slightly in shock about Mark's fast decision he kicked a pair of dissimilar shoes out of his way.

"That's what my life has become. GREAT!"

He reached for his 'Morning Doc' mug, got the almost empty milk carton out of the fridge and slumped onto his bed again. A casual glance at his surroundings told him that some cleaning would be desperately needed. Meredith had always been the one who had forced him to become tidier and he had done it just for her. Thinking at Meredith the knot in his stomach tightened. The picture of her was still standing on the shelf next to him. A thin layer of dust covered the shelf but the picture was all bright and shiny. Just like her in the picture, smiling out of the wooden frame, all bright and shiny.

"Hey!" George deliberately bumped into her, having a big smile on his face. "Guess what."

"What?" Surprised Izzie spun around. They hadn't seen each other for almost a week.

George quickly looked left and right before whispering into Izzie's ear. "Callie is not pregnant. I have another month…"

"George O'Malley!" Furiously Izzie slapped him at his upper arm.

"Ouch. What?" Shocked and slightly angry about this unpredictable reaction he stepped back.

"You are a damn coward. Yeah, that's what you are." Izzie hissed at him.

"I…why…what? I thought it's good because so there is more time to get used to it." Dumbfounded George looked at his feet, reckoning with another furious outburst of emotions.

"You shouldn't get used to it. You should talk to her and be sure about…"

"Sure about what?" Callie had just caught the last sentence of their conversation and was now spooning George from behind.

Blushing and signaling Izzie to keep this to herself he mumbled. "Nothing important. We…"

"We were just talking about scrubbing in or not." Izzie completed the sentence and thankful for the rescue George looked at her apologetically.

"Which OP? Are you signed up for an important one?" Happy about the alleged opportunity Callie turned him around. "You will do it, won't you?"

Izzie couldn't bear the tall tale anymore. "I have to go. Addis…Dr. Montgomery is waiting for me." Sending an apologetic look over to Callie and a more 'I knew it' one to George she briskly walked away. Not having come far she bumped into the next walking mess. Meredith.

"Oops, sorry Mer." Izzie stepped back, already knowing that another hormonal outburst would be the consequence.

"Sorry too. Haven't seen you." Meredith smiled at her.

"Are you alright?"

Izzie eyed her suspiciously. That was definitely not the grumpy, tired and moody Meredith she knew. Thank god they hadn't crossed paths that often within the last few days. Monday had been enough for both of them. Having their day off Izzie had tried to cheer Meredith up to bring her mind off pregnancy and relationship stuff. But the more she had tried the worse everything had gotten. And after having talked her into a walk, which had ended in a puking concert in the nearby park, Izzie had given in. There was definitely nothing left to do for her.

"Yes, yes, I am alright. In fact, for the first time in weeks I fell somehow human again. Isn't that great? And tomorrow is already Saturday and Addison will stay over."

Izzie just stared at Meredith, not able to say a word.

"What? Iz, are you alright?"

"Ah..yes, sure. It's just…you were…how should I put this." Knowing from her own experience that maybe the worst part of Meredith's hormone attacks was finally over she smiled.

"You were kind of short with me lately."

Embarrassed Meredith looked at her feet. "I know. I am sorry."

"Wow. Meredith Grey gets maternal."

"Shut up." With a slight grin Meredith looked at Izzie. "I am not. I just don't feel like I am on my deathbed anymore."

"Hey Mer, that's a complement. It suits you." With big grin Izzie brushed by Meredith who was taken aback by the comment. Was she becoming all soft and nice? Slowly she glanced down her scrubs. No, nobody could tell if they didn't knew.

"What are you staring at?" George looked at Meredith's feet, trying to spot a dropped tissue or pencil or something else.

"Nothing."

"WOMEN!!" Enervated he threw his hands in the air and stomped away furiously. Giggling Meredith looked after him, thinking at Addison and how she exactly knew what to say and when to say nothing.

By now the whole hospital knew about the two women being a pair but the funny thing was: Nobody talked to them about it. Normally every tiny issue would become blown up like a blimp, being discussed over and over again. Meredith looked around her. Sometimes she had the feeling that people were staring after her. Some smiling, some pouting, some acting like they were 'very' busy. But nobody every really had the guts to ask her. It was the strangest relationship experience she had every made so far. She was used to be the target of gossip in a more obvious and direct way.

_Knock, knock, knock!_

Derek nearly stumbled over his own feet getting to the door. Gathering himself for a second he nervously opened it.

"Hey, thanks for coming."

Mark just nodded and followed Derek into his trailer.

"Sorry, it's messy. I tried to clean up but…" Slightly uncomfortable of being such a mess he led Mark to the table.

"Coffee?"

"Please." Mark laid his black leather jacket next to him and silently followed Derek's every move.

"Thanks again for coming by." It was harder than he had ever thought.

"Why am I even here?" Mark reached for the mug Derek had placed in front of him.

Derek stared at the tablecloth, not able to say a word. It was so damn hard. He got up again and reached for a half empty box of chocolate cookies.

"Want some?"

"Nope." Mark felt uncomfortable. "Don't tell my you want to have your own private little tea party."

At this poor but true comparison of the situation Derek had to laugh. "No, I am sorry. This really looks like a little girls tea party."

"So, what's going on? You look terrible, man. Forget the past. Move on. If that's what you want to discuss."

Derek stared at Mark in disbelief. "Did you move on?"

"Yes, I did. I just don't care anymore. It did happen. A lot of shit happened then…yeah…but…I moved on. It was damn hard but I moved on and…"

Again he stared into his mug. He hadn't planned on talking that much. Deep inside he had drawn a line between Derek's and his' life and he had never ever wanted him to cross that line again. Silent coexistence had always been his solution to every memory that would dawn from time to time. Now the past had come back, sitting right in front of him, staring into his mug.

"Addison and Meredith." Derek gulped. He was not a fan of big explanations. He just wanted everything to be said and off his chest.

"What about them?" Mark tried to listen.

"They are together. They are having a baby." Derek continued stirring his coffee, not daring to look up.

"What? They are both pregnant?" Mark hadn't really gotten the message and trying to figure out what was really going on he straightened up.

"No. Meredith is the one who is pregnant." Derek slowly raised his head and their eyes met. He hadn't looked into these eyes for ages but he instantly knew that he could still trust Mark.

"And you are the father?" Mark concluded bluntly.

Nervously Derek nodded. "There is more to the whole story."

"There is more?" In total disbelief Mark clung to Derek's lips. "Being in another hospital for some weeks and the world seems to work the other way round."

After their constant fighting Mark had decided to transfer to Mercy West. Since that point of time he had barely had any contact to his former friends.

"She hasn't told me yet."

"Why do you know? Okay…gossip." Mark answered his own question.

"Exactly. I've overheard some nurses talk and I tried to find out more. I looked through Addison's charts and…"

Mark smirked. "You did what?"

"I found the chart and it said that Meredith was indeed pregnant and by now she's around 11th or 12th week, don't remember the exact number. So I also guess that she will keep it."

He paused. The awful feeling of finding out the truth returned for some seconds. Quickly he pushed it away.

"Addison is her OB/GYN? But they hated each other. Damn, that sucks." Feeling truly sorry for Derek he continued listening.

"They don't hate each other anymore. And about the father thing; Meredith has given my name. I mean, I read it in her chart. So maybe she wants to tell me because otherwise she wouldn't have given it away."

"Maybe…" Mark thought along.

"And she and Addison are together now. You know, in love and so on." He couldn't say the word lesbian. It was too damn hard and it had a bad ring in it.

Mark didn't know if this was still Derek being honest or if he was tricked into a silly game.

"I don't believe you."

"It's true. It really is. And all those things are going round and round and round in my head. I wanted to confront Meredith the day I found out but I didn't want to make things worse."

Mark couldn't believe what he had just heard. The woman he had been with is now in love with a woman her own?

"No. I simply don't believe you. If this is one of your tricks to get back on me…" Furiously Mark jumped up, shouting at Derek.

"Mark. Please!" Shocked Derek also jolted from his seat. "It's true. Look at me. I have taken some time off because I can't look at them."

Mark stared into Derek's pleading eyes and slowly he sat back down again. "That's something."

"Hm." Derek exhaled deeply. "I don't know what to do."

"Addison and Meredith. Together?" Mark was still in shock. "Addison Montgomery and Meredith Grey."

"Yes. How many Addisons and Merediths do we both know?" Rolling his eyes in slight amusement he let Mark indulge the news.

"It's just…no…I can't believe this. Why are you so sure they are together?"

"Addison's mouth was a bit too big and she blabbed it out." Derek got up again. He needed to move. "Want some more coffee?"

"I need air. What about a stroll down to the creek?" Mark looked at Derek who instantly nodded.

"I can't believe this." Over and over again Mark shook his head. There was no chance in his head that he could picture the two women together.

"I couldn't myself till I saw them. They are a real couple." After having dressed they stepped out of the trailer into the bright sunlight. Bedazzled Derek covered his eyes and followed Mark.

"You could pay her a surprise visit." Mark said preoccupied.

"I don't know if this is the best solution. I don't want to make things worse. We are talking to each other in a kind of friendly way and acting like an ass…I don't know."

Due to all the incidents and failed relationships Derek had become pretty insecure.

"But you are the baby's father." Mark reached for a twig and threw it against a nearby tree.

"I don't know if I even want to be a father."

"Of course you want." Shocked Mark stared at him. "We've talked about having a family so many times."

Thinking back at their talks about women and relationships sometimes this topic had found its way in too.

"I know. I just don't know if I can handle this." Depressed Derek kicked a pebble out of his way.

"Thanks for calling. I missed our friendship." Mark smiled.

"Me too. Sorry for being such an ass." Derek answered immediately. "What would you do?"

"What?"

"If Addison was the one who was pregnant."

"I don't know." Mark's insides churned. "Is Addison the one who is…"

"No!" Derek interrupted. "I just wanted to hear your point of view."

Exhaling deeply Mark got it. It would be different if he was the one. "I wouldn't know either. But I would definitely think about it."

"Think about what?" Derek clung to his words.

"About being a father. Where I want to be in the whole puzzle. If I even want to be in it. And I would definitely talk to the mother. I mean, after all it's not fair and you have a right to know."

"I know." Derek smiled, surprised about Mark's statement.

"I know that you know. I mean…"

"Yeah." Derek waved him off. "Just messing."

Laughing Mark knew that he had gotten the message to his maybe 'new' friend.


	37. Moodswings and swings

**THANK YOU ALL so much for your great reviews. I am sorry that it took me so long to write another chapter but I was very busy and not really in the mood for writing. But...I am back. YEIIIIII!!**

* * *

"Addison, where are you?"

Meredith's voice sounded through the open entrance into the corridor. She stepped closer to the door and leaned against the doorframe, wrapping her arms around her chest. It was a cold but sunny Saturday afternoon. Perfect to go for a walk.

"I am coooooming."

With her brown jacket in one hand and a bunch of keys in the other one Addison stepped out of the house, nearly losing one of her high heels.

"What did take you so…" Meredith glanced at Addison's shoes. "Why are you wearing those?" Forcing herself to remain somehow serious she pointed at the red heels.

"Don't they match? Red definitely goes with brown." Insecurely Addison eyed her shoes, twisting her foot from one side to the other.

Laughing Meredith stepped closer and laid both her hands at Addison's hips. "Sure. You look stunning but don't you think that going for a walk in those shoes is a bit weird?"

Immediately Addison's face showed a mixture of laughter and embarrassment. "You are right. I am so used to …"

In one quick move Meredith pulled her close and cut off the sentence with a kiss. Giving into it Addison's hands slowly wandered up and down Meredith's spine. A sigh escaped her mouth and seeing Meredith calm and with a smile on her face she felt light as a bird.

Meredith laid her head against Addison's shoulders. "I love you so much." she whispered. The moment she heard her own voice she couldn't believe how much she had changed within the last few weeks.

"Dark and twisty…" Giggling she slightly pulled away.

"What?" Addison gave her a questioningly look.

"I just thought about how everybody thinks of me as dark and twisty."

"Oh, you definitely still are." Addison nodded seriously.

"What?" Embarrassed Meredith looked down at her feet. "And I thought I've changed, maybe grown up a bit." Biting her lip she slowly raised her head to meet Addison's sparkling eyes.

"Or…maybe you should listen to the tone. I was just kidding." Slowly she stroked over Meredith's cheek.

"Uh, that's mean. Seriously!" Relieved she poked her forefinger into Addison's upper arm. "I open my heart and you…you…" Searching for words her view fell on Addison's shoes. "…you red heel monster."

Addison smirked. "From the red Satan to the red heel monster. Is that a promotion or more a firing thing?"

Still giggling Addison went back into the house to get her sneakers. "Gosh, I haven't worn them in ages."

"What?" Meredith shouted.

"I said that … wait a second." Quickly she tied her shoes and hurried back.

"I said that I haven't worn Sneakers in ages."

Meredith eyed the black shoes. "Definitely like them on you. Maybe red shoe laces would go with them too."

Not really convinced Addison slowly nodded. "I guess. So, where do you wanna take me?" She wrapped her left arm around Meredith's back. "How are you feeling? Everything allright?"

"Is this the One Million Dollar Show? How many questions do I have to get right to win a prize?"

Addison grinned and slowly walking by some nosy neighbors she tried to find a good answer.

"Hey. Did you become speechless?" Meredith eyed her.

"The prize will be a romantic evening. I'll cook dinner and for dessert I will fulfill you every wish."

"Uh, I like this." Meredith smiled from one ear to the other, eying another curious neighbor whispering to his wife. Meredith's distraction didn't go unnoticed by Addison and she followed Meredith's view. Quickly she withdrew her arm and waved a friendly 'hello'. Uncomfortable to be greeted by a total stranger the man returned the friendly gesture with a short wave.

"I don't like this neighborhood." Meredith whined.

"Hey you." Addison slightly poked her. "What do you want to have for dessert?" She tried to cheer her up but it was effortless. Meredith picked up speed and after some meters of playing 'catch me if you can' Addison reached for her right arm and pulled her back.

"What's the matter with you?"

"Oh come on. Don't you feel like a complete idiot strolling around being watched like an animal in a zoo?" Grumpy Meredith leaned against the house wall next to her.

"Hey…" Addison reached for Meredith's hand who quickly pulled away. Disappointed she leaned next to her.

"I thought we would be okay. Some days ago you said so yourself."

"I know." It was harder than she had thought it would be. All the attention. She had never been comfortable with people staring and now with all the changes it was a bit too much.

"What do you want to do?" Addison tried to help out.

"Just moving on. I am sorry. It's just…" She gulped. Damn, those tears were appearing out of nowhere within seconds. Meredith needed a second try to finish the sentence.

"It's just so much change." She slowly reached for Addison's hand and without a word they both made their way to the park. From time to time they eyed each other. It felt so strange. Everything was peaceful and finally it felt so right. Why did it have to be so difficult? It was a constant alternation of ups and downs.

After another ten silent minutes they reached the nearby park and sat down at a bench in one of the quieter corners. Meredith slowly leaned against Addison's shoulder and feeling the touch Addison instantly laid an arm around her. The smell of lavender made her smile. She had never before met a person who had used the same kind of shampoo all the time. She herself was more the 'I have to try every new one' type.

"Do you think this would be a good place to raise a child?" Meredith asked completely out of the blue. She turned her head to face Addison who was slightly smiling. Her red hair looked like it was on fire because of the warm autumn sun.

"I don't really know the neighborhood so far. What do you think?"

"I don't know. I guess. There are some nice playgrounds around here and work isn't that far away. But I don't wanna continue living in my mother's house." Meredith straightened her back.

"You okay?"

"Hm, not really. I haven't been feeling very well over the last few hours."

Addison only nodded. She didn't want to sound nosy or annoying.

"Why don't you wanna live in the house?"

Meredith leaned back again, placing both of her hands on her belly and staring up into the treetops above the two of them.

"Because it has too many memories. I want to have something for my own. Something that is just us. Does that make any sense?"

"Sure it does. I have been having those thoughts too. But mainly because of Izzie living with you. Don't get me wrong. I like her. She's fun but as you just said. It would be nice to have something on our own."

Meredith closed her eyes and felt Addison's hand above hers. "Addi, I don't know what to do about Derek. I hate to bring up the topic but it's eating me alive. I wanna tell him but I don't know how. Good thing he already knows about the two of us."

Addison didn't like the topic at all but Meredith was right. It had to be sorted out.

"It's your decision."

"I know but I want to know your opinion. Please. I am not the talking kind of person. I get all worked up and then I start to become really mean. I don't want Derek to hate me."

"Maybe you should tell him this." Deep in thoughts Addison slowly locked her fingers with Meredith's.

"When? How?"

A smile crept over Addison's face. "What about Monday?"

"Why Monday?"

"Because that's the end of your first trimester and you could pull it off as a precaution."

Meredith opened her eyes and turned her head to Addison. Their noses where only inches apart.

"You mean because of the chance of a miscarriage?" Meredith giggled. Being so close Addison looked like a Cyclops.

"Why are you giggling?" She moved closer to Meredith.

"Because you just have one eye."

"You too." With these words she slightly turned her head and kissed Meredith gently.

"I think that's a good idea. Monday it is. I will tell him on Monday." Shy she looked around. There was nobody but the two of them.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"I don't know if this is a good idea. It has to be hard for him to see us together and being there AND telling him about the baby…." Meredith got up. She felt more like moving around.

"Okay." Addison outstretched her hands and Meredith pulled her up and in an embrace.

"You know what? I really feel like I am getting back my energy. And I am also more comfortable with my body. Just between you and me. I totally freaked out because I will become fat. But after reading in your baby book it didn't sound that awful at all. It's just kind of weird. Besides all the fatigue and queasiness I don't feel pregnant at all. How far along am I?"

Addison listened to Meredith's outburst in surprise and the just said made her feel proud and relieved at once. She had been worried to death Meredith would just do it for her.

"Ah…I just told you. End of twelfth's week."

"Hm, hm." Meredith nodded. "How long will it take till I can feel the baby move and please tell me when I am becoming fat. I don't wanna look fat."

Grinning like a five year old child Meredith slowly started walking towards the swings. Addison smiled.

"I am so happy you just said all this. Gosh, you have no idea how much everything frightens me. I would give anything to have this experience and to be able to share it with you makes it bearable."

Meredith didn't know what to say. Instead she grabbed a set of swings and slowly started to swing forwards and backwards. Her long hair flying and her smile growing wide.

"I haven't done this in years." She shouted to Addison who leaned against a tree watching her.

"You look happy. And to answer your questions. You won't become fat because you are thin like a toothpick. You will probably show soon because of that but that's not that bad."

"Yeah, you are not the one to gain weight." Carelessly Meredith answered from her swing ride. It was that the sentence wasn't even finished when it hit her. "I am sorry!"

"It's okay. I am not the one." Addison gulped but she just loved the thought of enjoying everything with her new love.

"And the baby's movements?" Meredith was now flying high and every time she reached the turning point her stomach felt like being weightless. This is how astronauts have to feel she thought.

"Hm…normally around twentieth week. But it can be earlier or later. I bet you can feel it very soon."

"Why? Wohooooooooooooo!" Meredith was in her element.

"Because you have hardly any fat and the baby doesn't need to be a prize boxer to make you feel it. Are you sure you aren't going to be sick of all that swinging?"

"No, I am feeling greeeeeeeeeeeeeat!" Laughing she threw her feet forwards and backwards, her hair flying in the wind.

"If you say so. But don't come complaining afterwards."

"Ey, ey!"

--

Derek stood in front of Meredith's house. For the third time this afternoon he was standing there with his hand in the air, only inches apart from knocking at the door.

"You can do this." He tried to talk himself into it. "It's not your fault. Meredith is the one who made a mistake. Big time."

Anger and fear, hate and disappointment, love and wrath. Everything inside him was tense.

_Knock, knock, knock!_

Holding his breath he waited for footsteps to be heard. Nothing. Again he raised his hand and knocked.

_Knock, knock, knock!_

"They have left about an hour ago."

Derek jumped at the unexpected voice and turned around. Searching for the source he saw one of the neighbors.

"Thank you." Derek answered friendly and after another try he gave up. Maybe he should've called. Slowly he made his way back to his car when he heard two very familiar voices.

"Pizza? Again?"

"Why not? I love it."

"I tell you I will cook and you want to have…" Addison didn't finish her sentence. She froze in her steps causing Meredith to bump into her.

"Hey. What's the…" The second she saw the car parked in the driveway she knew the reason. Derek.


	38. Decisions and truth

"Hello Meredith." Derek came to a halt right next to his car. "Addison."

Meredith didn't know what to think of this unexpected and surprising visit but decided to not jump to conclusions too fast.

"Derek? What are you doing here?" Letting go of Addison's hand they both slowly approached him. If it hadn't been for the tension that was building up between the three of them it could have been a normal visit. A visit to maybe just say 'I've been in the neighborhood and wanted to say hi.'

"Me? I think you already know." Derek felt the anger rising inside and trying to remain focused he didn't move. Addison looked at him askance and slowly she had the awful gut feeling that this visit had something to do with their relationship, or worse, the baby.

"No, what?" Meredith stopped in front of Derek.

"I think we should go inside. Discussing it in front of your neighbors…I think it's not what you want. Am I right?" The sarcastic undertone didn't sound too promising as he stepped aside to clear the path.

"I…I don't know what you are talking about. But it's good you are here because I have already planned to come by on Monday." Meredith gulped and seeking for Addison's hand behind her back she just felt air. Addison was some feet away from her.

"One word: baby." Derek hissed, still trying to keep his composure.

Meredith's eyes widened in shock. He knew. Why did he know?

"What, how…" The words didn't wanna come out of her mouth and gesturing him to follow her they made their way to the entrance door. A short reassuring look to her left told her that Addison was right by her side.

"Everything is going to be alright. You will see." Addison whispered. She laid her hand on Meredith's smaller back and led her into the kitchen.

"Derek. Please. Have a seat." Addison pointed to the kitchen table. "Do you want something to drink?"

"No, I am fine." Derek slowly walked by Meredith and sat down.

"Meredith? You?" Addison tried to sound as secure as possible. She had to be strong because looking at Meredith she knew that this didn't look good at all. Trembling like aspen leaves and white as the wall Meredith didn't say a word. Her eyes met with Addison's.

"So, you two..." Derek looked over at Meredith who had joined Addison behind the kitchen counter.

"Why didn't you tell me that you are pregnant? For heaven's sake. I am the father." He couldn't keep it in any longer. Angry and hurt he looked at Meredith, waiting for an answer.

"I really wanted to tell you. And why do you even know?" Meredith was at the brink of a nervous breakdown. She couldn't believe what was happening. Not only that she had to tell Derek but also that he had found out on his own.

"That's doesn't matter. I know. And yes, that's exactly what this looks like to me." Upset he ran his fingers through his dark hair.

Addison approached Meredith from behind and soothingly laid her arms around her waist. "You can do this. Just talk. I'll be there right beside you." Addison's lowered voice had a calming effect on Meredith and leaning back just some inches she regained some confidence.

"Oh look at you two lovebirds." Hurt Derek turned away. He couldn't bear watching them together. "Why didn't you tell me right away?" The question had been going round and round in his head for days and finally he had the possibility to get an answer.

Meredith slowly sat down. Addison followed her and placed three glasses of water in the middle of the table.

"Do you think this is only hard for you?" Meredith couldn't stand the tension anymore.

"Yes! Yes, I think so." In one quick move Derek spun around to face them, hitting his fist hard against the table.

"No." Meredith shouted back angry. "Okay. I am pregnant. I am having your, no, our baby. And I didn't tell you because…" She gulped. "…because I wasn't sure if I even wanted it."

Derek stared at her, his eyes wide and his hands clenched to fists. "Why? WHY?" Again he ruffled through his hair. Meredith knew these signs and relieved she knew the worst part was over. He had this tick that if he was being insecure his hands were playing with his hair.

"Because I wanted to have a new start. I didn't even know myself for a long time. I found out about two weeks ago." She felt Addison's hand slowly wandering over her thighs to her belly. For a split second a smile hushed over her face. They were in this together. Addison's tiny gesture made her feel important and not alone and looking directly into Derek's eyes she continued her explanation.

"We decided on keeping the baby."

"WE?? You mean you and your, your…" Not knowing what to call Addison he wildly pointed at her.

"She is my girlfriend." Meredith answered calmly.

"I know who she is. She also is my ex-wife and in no way related to this child." He pointed at Meredith's stomach. "She has no rights to decide what's happening or not happening to our baby. Yours and mine, Meredith. Nobody else's."

Shocked and hurt by his words Meredith just stared at Derek. Addison didn't know what to say. She had listened to the whole conversation and the more she heard the more unwelcome she felt. She was an intruder and nothing more. Meredith felt Addison's hand slowly moving away and in one quick motion she grabbed it and pressed it against her.

"She is not related to the baby by blood but she will be the one to raise it with me and we will be a family. If you want it or not."

Derek stared at Meredith. So far he hadn't known that side of her. The self secure adult one. And it made him feel insecure. What if she decided on withdrawing his rights of being a father? He hadn't given that possibility a thought because he had felt strong and secure in his actions.

"What do YOU want?" Derek asked calmly.

Taken aback by Derek's sudden change Meredith needed some seconds to readjust.

"I wanted to come by on Monday to tell you that you are going to be a father. That I will raise this baby with Addison and that if you want to, you can come and visit and be the daddy."

Addison eyed her from the side. They hadn't discussed this possibility but she had no idea what else to do. Making a mental note to talk to Meredith later on she continued listening.

Derek gulped. Mark had been right. He should've thought this through. What he wanted to do, where he wanted to be in this whole thing.

"Okay." He reached for a glass and placed it in front of him, turning it round and round in his hands.

"Okay what?" Meredith knew she had made a good choice despite wanting to have a life on her own with Addison and Derek not being in it. But fate didn't ask and maybe it was a good idea. This way the child will have a father too.

"It's okay with me. I haven't really thought this through but I will think about it and I will tell you." Slowly he pushed his chair back and got on his feet.

"So you came here to shout at us and be angry with Meredith but you don't even know what you want?" Addison couldn't believe her ears. Staring at Derek she waited for an answer.

He had thought that they wouldn't want him in the child's life and he was prepared for every argumentation on that topic. Looking at his shoes he slowly walked round the table towards Meredith.

"I am sorry. I didn't think you…"

"…will be so nice? You thought I will tell you to go to hell, didn't you?" Meredith completed the sentence.

Derek nodded. "I am sorry."

Neither Meredith nor Addison knew how to react. Meredith was torn between wrath and relief. Addison on the other hand paced up and down int the kitchen like a tiger in his cage. She couldn't believe what had just happened.

"Please leave." She tried to sound calm but her voice gave her away.

"Okay." He grabbed his jacket and headed to the door. With the doorknob in his hand he once again turned around. "I am glad you have thought about me being a part of it too."

The door fell shut with both women still staring at it. "That's something." Meredith was to first to regain her composure. Exhaling deeply she leaned back in her chair, motioning Addison to sit with her. Still steamed up she slowly sat down on Meredith's lap.

"Why did you tell him that he can be involved as much as he wanted?"

Meredith gulped. She knew she shouldn't have said it. "I didn't know how to defuse the situation." Wrapping her arms around Addison's waist she pulled her close.

"Hm, I guess it was a good decision but to be honest. I don't feel comfortable knowing that Derek can come and go as he wants." Addison stated.

"Me neither. I wish he would just stop existing so we can have our peace."

Addison approvingly nodded. "But let's give him some time to figure things out. He knows and we can't do anything about it. Maybe there will be a solution over time."

Meredith closed her eyes. Feeling Addison so close she never wanted to let go.

"Still in the mood for Pizza?"

Meredith didn't move but just nodded. "Hm. But not now. I want to have you right here with me."

--

"George? Are you in here?" Izzie leaned with her back against the men's room door.

"No."

"Oh come on George. You can't be mad at me forever. Don't make me come in there."

George's head popped out of the room, his look panic stricken. "You wouldn't …"

Izzie built herself up in front of him, pushing the door open with her right foot. "Oh yes, I would. Now come on." She grabbed his arm and dragged him with her.

"Oh…stop. You are…"

"What's going on here, Stevens?" The chief had eyed their fight from some distance.

"Nothing." Izzie mumbled, immediately letting go of George who tugged at his scrubs. "Private matters." He added.

"O'Malley. Come with me. Stevens, continue your work." The chief's facial expression made clear that this were his last words and giving another looks that could kill their ways parted.

Izzie ranted in her head over George. How could somebody be that foolish? Ending a relationship because of not wanting to face a discussion? Why did she even care? Was she being selfish?

"What's the matter with you people? If this behavior is spreading we can close down the hospital within days. I can't believe you two are acting like children. You are adults, Stevens. Private matters are no longer part of that hospital."

Jolted out of her thoughts by the chief's harsh words she just nodded. "Have to go." She pointed in direction of the neonatal station.

"Remember: No private matters." He repeated.

"What's going on here?" Dr. Bailey had overheard their conversation and curious she joined the chief.

"Miranda. I don't know what to do. They are not working hard enough anymore. Private matters are starting to seriously interfere with hospital work and I can't accept that."

Bailey stopped and stared at him. "You are the chief. Give them an ultimatum. Let them work more hours for every mistake. But do something. I still have those three interns with me and I am NOT supposed to be responsible for interns. Be a man and be the chief."

"Be a man?" Surprised by Bailey's crystal clear announcement he cleared his throat.

"Oh you know what I mean." She smiled at him. "Have to go." Pointing at some files in her hands she headed by him.

"Be a man. Be the chief." Mumbling Dr. Webber slowly and deep in thoughts made his way to his office. There needed to be something done.


	39. Love lives

_**I AM SOOOOO SORRY you guys for making you wait that long. My life has been crazy over the last few weeks and my studies have taken over nearly my entire time. Thank you all so much for your great great reviews and also critics. I appreciate every single of it!! Holidays are coming and despite having to work I will have more time to write. SORRY AGAIN!! **_

_**HAVE FUN reading the next chapter and don't forget to review. **_

* * *

"Izzie, wait! Please!"

Ignoring the pleading voice behind her, Izzie briskly walked towards her car. How she hated those weekends that not really were ones. It was Saturday evening. Normal people were allowed to have fun, go on trips or just relax. Not only that there was hardly any spare time but also this way all social life was being lived at the hosptial. And right now this "social life" was her, panting and shouting.

"Izzie, please!" George was focused on Izzie's blond bouncing pony tail, eager to catch up with her.

"WHAT?" Enervated she suddenly spun around, causing George to nearly trip over his own feet. Panting he pointed at a park bench but Izzie ignored his invitation to sit and continued her angry staring.

"What–do-you-want?" Emphasizing every single word she repeated her question.

"I'm sorry. I…" Why was it so hard to talk to his once best friend? Why did everything have to change so fast?

Izzie sighed. "Oh come on you fool." She reached for his hand an pulled him with her. George was indeed a genius when it came to ending up in trouble.

"In the mood for some muffins?"

Stumbling over his feet and everything that was in his way he tried to follow Izzie, trying to understand what had just happened. He eyed her from askew. Did he have a blackout?

"What?"

"You need somebody to talk to and I need somebody to come by all those muffins."

George chuckled, already imagining piles of muffins in Meredith's kitchen. "Angry?"

"Hm…just had to bake."

"For how long has this been going on?"

"About a week?"

George stopped in total shock. "And there is still some space left for living?"

"Hey, I didn't bake THAT many. And besides, Addison and Meredith really did a great job eating."

"Why are you that angry?"

Ignoring his question she opened the door to her car. Whilst talking they had made it to her small frog green car. After having cleaned the passenger's seat by throwing some empty water bottles to the floor they shut the doors.

"So you wanna come or not?"

George nodded. "Why else would I be here sitting right next to you?"

--

"Hey!" Addison yawned. Slowly she opened her eyes, adjusting to the still bright lit room. "What time…"

She was cut short but a gentle kiss on the lips. "Still not time to get up." Meredith whispered, slowly tracing her fingers over Addison's arm to her neckline.

Addison smiled and closed her eyes. She could feel Meredith's warm breath against her cheeks. Slowly she lifted her blanket and quickly Meredith pressed her body close against Addison's.

"Meredith, what's the ti…"

"Sshh." Addison again fell silent, feeling Meredith's gentle and soft hands roaming over her body. "It's still not the time to ask. There's a whole free day in front of us and I want to enjoy every second of it."

"I can feel it." Addison smiled with a sigh. "What are you…oooh." Addison bit her lip.

Slowly and inch by inch Meredith's fingers started their exploration. She could feel the goose bumps on Addison's arms as her fingers caressed the insides of her thighs and moving up over her belly to her breasts Addison's breathing became more rapid.

"You like that." Smiling and teasing Meredith slowly crawled on top of Addison, pressing her body down on her.

"Mhmm." In response Addison wrapped both her arms around Meredith's back, feeling Meredith's hair in her face and her breath in her neck. "Love you."

Addison's fingers slowly wandered over Meredith's back down to her bottom and gently she rolled her next to her, still not letting loose. Eager and aroused Addison continued what Meredith had started. Slowly and slightly trembling she felt the soft skin of her now fuller breasts under her fingers. Looking into Meredith's face she smiled. She enjoyed the closeness having her eyes shut and totally absorbed in their touch. Addison felt Meredith's hands between her legs and instantly pulled her closer. Hungry for more Meredith slightly opened her mouth, searching for Addison's lips and melting into one their kisses deepened.

Addison was in seventh heaven. Her head was spinning and trying to hold on to Meredith and trying to move and not become immobile she felt like going to explode every second. She had never experienced such a deep emotional connection. She wanted to be much closer to Meredith as she was right now, to suck her up into her and never let go. Every inch of her body was tingling with excitement and arousal, having the feeling as if Meredith was all around her.

Smiling Meredith looked up for a second. She had finally gotten the one thing she ever dreamed of: the feeling to belong. And how she belonged here. Every inch of her body was telling her what to do and following her instincts she could feel Addison's body tremble beneath her touch. Placing kisses on Addison's belly she could sense the tensed muscles. Inch by inch she placed kisses everywhere, slowly moving further and further down.

Addison felt the hot kisses between her legs and not able to move she just laid there, savoring Meredith's actions. Colors. Bright colors. Red and yellow, orange. It didn't matter if she opened or closed her eyes. She seemed to have entered another world and the colors popped up like lightning bolts. Soundless red, orange and yellow lightning bolts.

"I am dying. Please stop. There's…" she gulped. "There's a white…light."

"No you are not" Meredith smiled, trying to finish what she had started. "Juuuuuust relax." Smiling mischievously she again dived between Addison's legs.

Addison's head spun like crazy. The white light she had been talking about was coming closer and closer, pushing the colors aside. One by one. Red, yellow and orange. Holding her breath and staring into the bright white light she suddenly gasped for air…black.

--

"There you go." Izzie opened the door, leading George the way in.

"Thanks. Are Mer and Addison here?" He asked, looking towards the stairs.

"I think so. Meredith said something from having the day off. But I am not sure if Addison has too. Why?"

"Doesn't matter. Was just curious." He smiled insecurely, following Izzie into the kitchen.

"Do you want blueberry, vanilla or chocolate?" Izzie smiled, standing behind the counter. In front of her what looked like a big brown mountain.

Not able to say a word and with his mouth hanging open George stared at the scene in front of him. Izzie had clearly gone crazy. These were not only a lot of muffins. Those were a lot of a lot of a lot of muffins.

He slowly walked towards Izzie. "What the hell did happen? That's not a pile. That's the Mount Everest from Muffinland."

Izzie didn't answer but took from every patch one and gave it to George. "There you go. So, what do you wanna tell me? Why did you follow me?"

Trying to refocus George reached for the muffins. "It's Callie."

"Thought so." Izzie mumbled to herself.

"What?" Taking a big bite from a blueberry muffin he looked at her from askew.

"Nothing. Let's go into the living room. I don't wanna see all those muffins."

"Whatever." George shrugged.

Comfortably seated at the couch George didn't know how to start. He was still eating his muffin and feeling Izzie's eyes on him he started to become nervous.

"Tell me."

"Well…" He gulped. "Well, it's about Callie. You were right. I should've never left her."

"How come you even did?" Izzie leaned back, staring at George.

"The day she told me that she wasn't pregnant I was so relieved that I could have embraced the whole world. I kind of had the feeling that I had to give up my whole life. You know what I mean?"

"Not exactly…but..continue…" She pulled her legs close to her body and still staring at him she sighed. "I'll try to understand it."

"So, I was sitting at the toilet and everything…"

"You were sitting WHERE?"

"At the toilet…the closed toilet lid. But that's not the point. I was sitting there and thinking and the only feeling I had was to run away. So…I did. I told her that we don't have the same goals in life and that she is a great person but it's not what I want."

"Hm." Izzie nodded. She could somehow relate to those thoughts.

"So you understand?"

Izzie nodded again, grabbing a muffin from George's plate. "When did you leave her?"

"Three days ago."

"Three? I thought that happened yesterday." Izzie nearly choked on her muffin.

"No. But now I … I want to have her back. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I love her and my life is so empty without her. The last three days I could've done a bunch of stuff I always wanted to do but I couldn't do anything. It was just boring. So I again started thinking."

"At the toilet?" Izzie interrupted with a giggle.

"Yes. But does that really matter?" George cut her off. "Sorry."

"I get it. But if you want her back you know that she wants to have children. That surly hasn't changed within the last few days."

She felt sorry for George, knowing exactly what he was going through. Her own life was empty as hell.

"I know and I am sure that I want the same things as Callie does."

"What? Why now?" Surprised by this turn of events Izzie straightened up.

"Because it's not that I can't have those things with a kid. The thing I am really scared of is to have to grow up. You know. To take over responsibility and be a parent. That scares the hell out of me."

A big grin on her face Izzie scootched over to George and clapped him on his shoulder. "Finally."

"What? "

"Finally you found out what hinders you to have a relationship. Oh I am so proud of you son." Izzie giggled.

"Oh don't make a fool out of me. I am dead serious here."

"Sorry. Go on." Still smiling she leaned back.

"And I really want to have kids, you know? It's not that I don't want to have one. It's, as I just said, that growing-up-thing."

He fell silent, reaching for the third muffin.

"Do you think she loves you?"

"I fink fo." He answered, swallowing the rest of his bite.

"I think so too. Have you already talked to her?"

"No. I am too scared. At the moment I am the big avoider. Oh my god. I am becoming a mini-Meredith." Laughing he also slumped back into the couch. He already felt more relieved.

"Tell her what you just told me. Maybe she understands."

"You think?" George looked at her insecure. "I was a pretty big jerk within the last few weeks."

"I know. But you you had a lot of toilet time and you figured things out. Maybe it's not too late. Who knows?" Izzie wasn't sure if this was a good thing to say but she again had a very good gut feeling that this could still work out. Sure, they needed a plan. Maybe more than that.

"Izzie?" George waved his hand in front of Izzie's absent looking face. "Are you still with me?"

"What? Did you say something?"

"No, but you look like you've seen a ghost or something." He looked at her bewildered.

"I just thought that you need more than just a talk. Maybe we can kill two birds with one stone.

"What does that mean?"

"My baking and your love problem."

"Oh…yeah, about that. Why were you baking that much?" George stated curiously.

"Because I am lonely and unhappily in love."

"Oh you are not alone. You have all of us. Me and Meredith and…"

"Yeah, sure. And you are all so into me at the moment. Meredith is all over Addison and trying to figure out baby stuff and you are also in love and … yeah…also figuring out baby stuff. And what am I doing? I am figuring out your loves and your baby stuffs."

Frustrated she again pulled her legs close and rested her head on her knees.

George patted her on her back. "Yeah, that really sucks. I am really sorry for not being there for you."

"Hm."

"So, tell me. Who is that guy?"

"What guy?"

"You just told me that you are madly in love."

"Oh. Yeah, about that. I met him at Joe's some weeks ago. We had some drinks and a really good time. We also talked on the phone but it didn't sound as if he wanted more than talking or "just" know me."

"That sucks." George felt with Izzie. He wanted her to be happy. She was such a sweet and loving person and more than anyone else she really belonged into a relationship.

"What' s his name?"

"Danny. He's from Ireland."

"Wow. How come you've never told me?"

"Because you were so involved in your own problems I didn't want to bother you. Anyway…I was thinking about our little "situation" here."

George looked at her bewildered. "When? I just told you."

"Some minutes ago when you asked me if I still was with you." Izzie winked at him.

"Ah…yeah…women…multi-tasking…get it." With one raised eyebrow he continued listening.


	40. Where's the way?

Izzie's eyes were glistening with excitement. "I thought about you, Callie, Denny and me going on a little trip. A cottage in the forest or something like that. So we get to know each other better and who knows?" With a smirk on her face she anxiously waited for George's reaction.

"And you really think the three of us will get some time off? I doubt that. I mean…"

Izzie didn't want to hear what George had to say. She knew that there was only a tiny spark of hope left, but still.

"Stop it George. You are an evil spark stealer."

Dumbfounded he stared at her. "I am a what?"

"A spark stealer. Yes, that's what you are. You just stole some sparks of my hope that this is a good idea and…"

"Izz, you are crazy."

Rolling her eyes she got up. "Want another muffin?"

George only shook his head. He had already eaten more than enough and the thought of having to digest another one didn't seem too inviting. "Get back here. We haven't finished our talk."

Surprised by this clear statement she spun around. "What do you think we should do then?"

"I don't know. First of all, sit down. Second of all, why are you listening to me? " Scared out of his mind he stared at her. Never ever had somebody listened that easily to him.

"What?"

"Never mind. Okay, so, you wanna meet Denny. His name is Denny, isn't it? You know how awful I am with names." Insecure his eyes followed her steps to the window behind the couch.

"Yes, Denny." A little smile hushed over her serious face. "Denny from Ireland."

"Is he here in town?"

"Yes, he's here because of work." She concentrated hard on looking through the window out into the darkness but the only thing her eyes met was her own reflection in the window pane. Studying her features she got lost.

George was observing her from the distance and wondering if she was still with him he sighed. "What are you thinking about?"

No answer.

"Izzie."

"What?" Being taken away from her thoughts she turned to George.

"Where are you?"

"In the living room. Here, with you." She smiled. "Sorry, just kidding. Was thinking at Denny. Maybe we should forget that whole story. I could give him a call." She walked back to the couch and sat down besides George who wasn't that sure if she even knew what they first started to talk about.

"Good for you." He leaned back and added in his mind. _"…but not for me."_

"So we forget about the trip?" Izzie looked at him in confusion. Why was he acting so strange? But then it hit her: Callie.

"Oh I am sorry George. We were talking about Callie and…"

"It's okay. Another time."

--

One week had gone by till the talk with Derek and Meredith started to worry. It was stupid she thought, but still, she wanted to know what her future could look like. The tension that had built up between her and Addison had become hardly bearable. Every situation, how little it even may be, was a walk on a high wire and the falling not pretty at all.

"There you go, Mrs. Cyrrus." With these words she gave the bandage she had just applied a last approving look.

"Thank you Dr. Grey. You are really good at this. I didn't feel a thing. I wished all doctors where that gentle with patients."

"Oh, that's nothing. You are welcome." Slowly she walked out of the room, her thoughts brought back to Derek.

"Dr. Grey."

As if a higher power would want Meredith to keep her thoughts away from Derek, Dr. Bailey came rushing towards her.

"Yes?"

"I need you today at the clinic."

"At the clinic? But…" Meredith didn't want to work there. She hated the routine work. "Izzie is.."

"Not here. And, no buts, Grey"

"Not here, but I saw her this morning."

"She has taken a day off and in addition, you should thank me for doing this for you." Bailey looked strongly at her, handing over the stack of charts she was carrying with her.

"Why thank you?"

"You are pregnant, right?"

"Right, but…" Meredith's free hand rested on her belly. Now being in her 14th week she could feel the baby growing, being reminded of her now new responsibility.

"There you go. Enjoy a not that strength-sapping day at work."

Meredith smiled at Bailey. "Thanks."

Proud of herself but not wanting to show it to Meredith, Bailey turned around, a smirk on her face.

"You are welcome. Have been there too."

Still staring after Bailey her eyes suddenly caught sight of a new doctor. At least she had never seen him before in this part of the hospital. His eyes were scanning the surroundings and he appeared to be lost.

"Excuse me, can I help you?" Clutching the charts to her chest Meredith walked over to the man.

"Ah, yeah. I am looking for Dr. Addison Shepherd."

That hurt. Meredith didn't even have time to think about her answer. It felt like a reflex correcting him. "Montgomery. Her name is Montgomery, not Shepherd."

Confused about that clear and nearly harsh correction he had to regain his composure.

"Ah, I thought…wait a second." He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a letter.

"There: Here it says so." Pointing at a particular line he handed Meredith the paper over. After a quick scan she realized who she was confronted with: Derek's substitute. Still, she couldn't let him get away with this, let him get away with being right. The paper said indeed Addison M. Shepherd.

"She used to…You can find Dr. Montgomery one floor up. Maternity ward."

"Thank you. We haven't introduced ourselves so far. So, my name is Dr. Wilder, and you are?" He outstretched his hand and slightly embarrassed about that, for her part, not so warm welcome Meredith shook it.

"Dr. Grey. Meredith Grey."

"Nice to meet you. I guess we will see each other more often from now on." After he was out of sight, Meredith continued her walk down to the clinic. The hospital was full of visitors. A quick glance at a calendar at the nurses station made clear why. Saturday, the 3rd of November. Saturdays always were crazy days.

Continuing her walk her thoughts once again returned to Derek and the baby. Why wasn't he calling?

--

Derek put down his beer and slowly raised his head. "So you think I should give it a try?"

"If you are sure about it, yes. If you have doubts about it, still yes. It's your baby." Mark took another sip.

"Maybe you are right. But where is my place in that whole picture? I've been thinking about it the whole week and I am still at the same place I started out."

"Hm."

"I guess I should just try it."

"No."

Startled Derek looked into Mark's eyes. "But you just said so."

"You should not try because trying is not enough. It's not a game where it's not important to win or lose. That's real life and you are messing with a child's life here."

"Then tell me." Derek shouted out. "What in god's name should I do?"

For a moment the café fell silent and all eyes were facing the two doctors in the dingy corner.

"Oh like you people haven't had problems so far." Derek jumped up, throwing money on the table and running out of the café. Mark slowly got up too and followed him outside.

"What the hell was that about?"

"I don't care."

"Great. Really great. Old Derek is back. Have fun." Mark turned on the spot and paced away. His insides were boiling and if he hadn't left he would have punched Derek in the face.

"Go. Leave me alone. You are a loser, Mark, you know that. You are a loser."

Mark stopped in his tracks. "I don't think it's me who is the loser."

Derek just stared after him. What was he doing?

He didn't want to hurt Mark, the only one who was still sticking with him. He didn't want to hurt Meredith, the only one who he ever really loved.

He didn't want to hurt his baby, the only one who will love him unconditionally.

--

"Callie? Callie!!"

Callie heard but ignored George's voice behind her and quickly slipped into a patient's room.

George still hadn't found the guts to talk to Callie. The days were going by and the distance between them was growing and growing.

"I am SUCH a loser."

"Why?" Lexie came to a halt right next to him, wondering what had happened.

"Because…because…" Like a wild animal in its cage George paced up and down in front of her. "…because I am a loser guy. That's all I am born to do. To lose."

Lexie still had no clue what was going on. "Oookay. Then…have you seen Dr. Bailey?"

"No, I haven't. And you know why? Because I am a loser. I can't even answer a simple question." Furiously he threw his hands in the air.

Lexie didn't move. What the heck was going on with O'Malley?

"Callie!"

The door behind Lexie had just opened and George sprinted past her, nearly colliding with Callie.

"What-do-you-want?" Callie hissed and now Lexie knew for sure that she should NOT remain on her spot. Leaving in a hurry she continued her search for Dr. Bailey. Where was this woman?

"I…I want to talk to you." George insecurely looked down at his feet. "Please?"

"Why? Why would I want to talk to you?"

"Because…because we are a couple?" Not even sure if this was still true in her eyes he stepped closer.

"A couple?" Callie couldn't believe her ears but giving it a secondd thought she couldn't help herself. Seeing him that miserable she just couldn't hit him harder. "Okay, meet me after work at Joe's."

"Yeah? Really?"

Callie just nodded and strode by him, trying to remain somehow calm.

_Knock, knock, knock_

"Please, come in." Addison got up from her desk, putting away Meredith's patient record. For the about thousandth time she had looked at the first sonogram picture and she couldn't wait for another one to look at.

"Hi Addi." Callie was standing in the doorframe, tears running down her cheeks.

"What happened?" Addison ran to her and pulled the door shut behind her.

"George." Callie sniveled.

"Again? What happened this time?"


	41. Compliments, rages and kisses

"It's over. Our relationship…he." Sobbing and sniveling Callie could hardly talk.

"Oh sweetie." Addison couldn't bear seeing her best friend in that misery and pulled her close into a comforting hug. "You wanna come and stay tonight? It's just Meredith and me. Izzie has to work."

Clinging to Addison and sobbing into her white coat Callie shook her head. "No, you deserve to have some private time too. I…"

A knock on the door brought a sudden end to their conversation. Addison took off her wet coat before answering the door.

"Yes, please come in." Regaining her composure she strode to her desk, awaiting whoever needed her help.

"I am sorry. I will…" Callie mouthed to Addison and pointed at the door.

"Okay. We'll talk later."

The door opened and Dr. Wilder entered the room. Looking at the two women he got the sense of not really having chosen the best moment. "I am sorry. Is this a bad time?" Already reaching for the doorknob Addison got up.

"No, not at all. Please, come in, take a seat. Do I know you?"

"No. I am new." He shook Addison's hand and sat down. "My name is Dr. Wilder. I am here because of Dr. Shepherd."

Addison didn't understand why he was sitting opposite her and not in Dr. Webber's office. She had nothing to with Neurosurgery or Derek.

"Addison Montgomery."

"Yeah, a very upset doctor already told me about you." He smiled. His smile was warm and he didn't seem to be insecure at all.

"How? Why?" Addison didn't exactly know what to say. "I mean, why do you even want to talk to me?"

"Getting asked the same question twice within some minutes…awesome. But, I still don't know the answer." Laughing over his own joke he straightened in his chair. Addison leaned back and watched him. He seemed to be an easy going guy. A smile crept over her face.

"Okay. Let's start again. Why exactly are you here?"

Without a word Dr. Wilder handed her the letter, which some minutes ago Meredith had already read.

"…_your work at Seattle Grace Hospital. Please ask for Dr. Addison M. Shepherd…"_

Addison read the lines over and over again but it made no sense at all.

"Something wrong?" Dr. Wilder scooched forward, staring at Addison.

"I am sorry but there has to be a mistake. I have to send you to Dr. Webber. He is the chief and will know what to do. I am really sorry for that inconvenience." She got up, pushing back her long her in one quick motion. Dr. Wilder liked what he saw and smiling politely at her he got up too.

"No problem at all. Not everyone has the pleasure to be welcomed by such a beauty."

"Ah…thanks." Addison stopped for a short moment but tried to act as if she hadn't heard the compliment.

"Good bye, Dr. Wilder. Have a nice day." With these words she closed the door behind him.

------------------------

"He did what?" Meredith lay on her back, munching Saltines and watching Addison undress in front of her.

"I already told you. He got up and then he complimented me. Like…you know. Oh, don't make me tell it again." She pulled the shirt off and threw it over the chair next to her.

"You are getting hit on while I am getting fatter by the minute." Meredith pulled a piggy snout, which made Addison giggle.

"You are beautiful and you know it. And if you are feeling any better: He is NOT my type." The pants followed the shirt and only clad in her underwear Addison rummaged through the bottom drawers of their cupboard.

"Where are my checked PJs?"

"AHA!! That means you HAVE thought about him because you KNOW he is not your type." Meredith knew how to get to Addison and playing with her a little bit more she turned to the opposite side, facing the window.

"I don't have to think about my types and….." Hearing a muffled giggle coming from under the blanket Addison stopped in her speech. "Ah, you silly silly woman. You got me…AGAIN!!"

Jumping on the bed she pulled Meredith onto her back. "You evil woman. Making me feel guilty for getting hit on."

Meredith couldn't fight the laughing anymore. "You….you….you really fell for it?"

"Yes, I did. But now you have to pay. I will kiss you to death!" Placing kisses all over Meredith's body and face they rolled around in bed.

"Stop! Stop! I need some air to breathe." Addison slumped onto the blanket and pillow next to Meredith.

For a minute none of them spoke a word and staring at the ceiling Meredith reached for Addison's hand.

"Everything I love is in this bed. Thanks for still being here."

Addison slowly rolled around. "Hey, happy face. That was fun. Don't spoil it with getting all sentimental."

"Yeah, I know. Hey, today at lunch break I had time to read in your book.

"What book?"

"What to expect… You don't have too many books, you know."

Rolling her eyes Addison laid back again too. "And?"

"Why does it still take that long till I can feel the baby move? I wanna feel him walk around me NOW."

"Walking?" Addison giggled. "I don't think that our baby will be walking around inside of you. And, how do you even know it is a "he"? I am your OB/GYN and I haven't seen anything so far."

"Doesn't people always say a mother knows this stuff?" Meredith slowly trailed her fingers over her exposed belly.

"Nope, never heard of that. But…we will find out pretty soon."

"Yeah, I know. I read your book very carefully." Meredith's eyes were glistening with excitement and Addison loved watching her. It has taken them so long to get to that happy place and being finally here seemed nearly superficial.

Meredith turned to face Addison. "Why aren't you saying any…oh honey, are those tears?"

Meredith pulled Addison in a tight embrace and for the first time since they had gotten together Addison started to relax. A ton of worries, anxieties and sorrows seemed to disappear into thin air. Meredith took her hand and placed it on her still exposed belly. "That's ours. I just…I…" She stopped dead in midsentence.

"What?" Addison slightly scooched some inches away.

"Nothing." Meredith closed her eyes, enjoying their moment.

"You think about Derek, don't you?" Addison pulled away and sat up.

Meredith sat up too. "Yes. I…I don't want him be a part of our family."

Addison didn't know what to say. Meredith was the mother, Derek the father. Who was she? How did she fit into that puzzle? Pushing away those distracting thoughts she continued staring at the door in front of her and holding Meredith's hand.

--------------------------------------

"Good morning, Dr. Montgomery." Dr. Wilder grinned at Addison as she and Meredith walked into the hospital the next day.

"Good morning, Dr. Wilder." Addison answered politely, looking at Meredith from askew.

"Good morning. I see you remembered the name." Meredith gave back in a cool but friendly way.

Addison looked at her in astonishment. "You haven't told me that you know each other."

"We don't." Dr. Wilder helped Meredith out. "She just showed me the way to the maternity ward. And you are?" With this he again turned away from Addison to face Meredith.

"Dr. Meredith Grey." He indeed had a very nice smile, Meredith thought by herself.

"Ah, and I see you are in the family way. Congratulations!"

"Um, thanks." Blushing Meredith suddenly seemed to be in a hurry. "Have to go." She took a few quick steps and turned around as Addison didn't follow her. "You come?"

Addison had already been on her way and wondering about the strange behavior she came to a halt next to Meredith in the elevator.

"What was that all about? He was just being polite."

"No, he was rude. He registered that I am pregnant. I am fat. I told you so."

"But…" Addison knew she had to choose her words carefully." …I thought this is a good thing. Yesterday…"

"…is yesterday." Meredith finished the sentence, making Addison blush in front of all the other doctors and nurses in the small room. Not saying another word she just reached for Meredith's hand and squeezed it.

Sunday always was a very busy day. People had time to go on trips and do sports. This one was no exception. Meredith busied herself with charts, patients and runs to the bathroom. In addition she had a bad headache and time just seemed to stand still. Again sitting on the toilet she leaned against one of the walls of the toilet cabin. All the books said that the fatigue would wear off after the first trimester and for a short time it really did. But, there it was, nastier and more persistent than ever before. Taking a deep breath she just wanted to push open the doors when the entrance door opened and two nurses entered the room.

"Did you see them? Doesn't that seem weird to you? Grey pregnant and there are rumors she's with Dr. Montgomery. I mean, that's just plain wrong."

Meredith couldn't believe her ears and sat back onto the closed toilet lid. Her hand automatically rested on her belly.

"I don't know. I mean, I know that there is the option of that artificial thing."

"You approve of this?" The first one got louder and Meredith didn't know if she should continue listening to that nonsense.

"I…I don't know what I think." The second voice sounded pretty insecure and Meredith felt like a fan at a football game. She had already taken sides and the second one was her winner. Smiling at herself she continued spying.

"I think it's wrong. No, I know it is wrong."

"What if they are not together and Grey is pregnant from her boyfriend? I mean, nobody really ever announced that this is a true rumor." Number two seemed to regain some of her composure.

"You go girl!" Meredith cheered her on.

"No, I saw them kissing just the other day."

That was a lie. They had never been making out at the hospital. "That's not true." Meredith heard herself answering. The room fell silent within the second.

Slowly Meredith opened the door and stepped out. Looking at the two nurses she didn't know which one was greener.

"I got pregnant the old fashioned way. That's all you … you…PEOPLE…have to know. And now stop blabbing around or this was your last day at work." Meredith was in a rage. This wasn't she talking. It just came out of her mouth. Shocked but also pleased she remained at the same spot for some seconds, before followed the shocked nurses out of the bathroom.


	42. Surprise

"Grey speaking." Meredith stopped right next to some baby rattles. Quickly she covered the free ear to block out all the noises of the shopping mall.

"Hello. Derek here. I…"

"Just a second. I gotta get out of the noisy zone." Nervously Meredith nearly dropped the phone and as fast as possible she made her way to an empty changing cubicle.

"Hello? Derek?" She placed the purse next to her and sat down on the small chair in the cubicle.

"Yes, I am still here. Listen. First of all, I am sorry I didn't call sooner but I needed some more time."

Listening to Derek fighting for words, Meredith looked at herself in the mirror. She was wearing her favorite T-shirt. The owl with the big eyes looked at her like it was saying: "Watch your steps!"

"Meredith? Are you still there?"

"Yes, I am still here. Just had to find a more quiet place." Her view fell on her jeans. They were becoming pretty tight. Making a mental note to buy some bigger ones she continued listening to a very nervous Derek.

"Listen. I've been thinking a lot about our situation." He stopped in midsentence. This was cruel. Trembling he got up from his seat in his trailer.

"Madame? Can I help you?" The voice sounded muffled through the curtains of the cabin.

"Ah, no, thanks."

"What?" Derek stopped dead in his tracks.

"Sorry. I was talking to the saleswoman." She leaned forward to strip off her vest. It was inbearably warm in those shopping malls at this time of year.

"So, I was thinking about our situation and I want to be a part. I still haven't figured out how but I definitely wanna be involved." Holding his breath he awaited Meredith's answer.

"What does that mean?" She couldn't believe her ears. Deep inside she had always known that she would be confronted with the father issue sooner or later. But, she simply didn't want him to be a part of her child's life and her relationship. Slowly she got up, not taking her eyes off her refection.

Derek knew Meredith too well to buy her calmness. "Are you okay? What do you think? Don't you wanna have a father for our baby?"

"_Our baby. Derek's and mine."_ Meredith's thoughts were spinning. "I…"

"What?" Impatiently Derek pressed the phone against his ear.

"I have to leave. The mall is closing and Addison is coming home any minute now." Meredith tried not to panik. Protectivly she laid her hand on her belly, still staring into the mirror. With the tight shirt she looked like she had gained weight but to her very disappointment didn't look pregnant at all.

"Meredith. We HAVE to talk about this. Can I come over tonight?" He held his breath.

"Madame? Are you sure you don't need any help? We are closing our shop in five minutes." Again the voice of the saleswoman sounded through the curtains.

"Yes, I am perfectly fine. Thanks!"

"What?" Derek was confused.

"Again…not talking to you. And yes, you can come over. What about nine?"

"Nine is fine with me. Is Addison okay with this?"

"_No."_ Meredith's head gave the answer right away, but her mouth said: "She will be. Have to go. See you at nine." Not waiting for an answer she pressed the red button on her cell. Exhaling she reached for her jacket, vest and purse. "And so the trouble continues…" What would Addison say? They had planned a calm and relaxing evening. Taking a bath, watching a movie and talk. There time together was precious and with the baby on the way there were so many things to talk over and share. "How am I ever get through this?"

-------------------------------

"Finally." Putting the last chart onto the pile in front of her Addison sighed: "And now…home." A smile on her face she just wanted to get up when a knock on the door interrupted her. "Oh come on. Not now. When do I ever get to leave this hospital on time?"

"Come in!"

"Good evening Dr. Montgomery."

"Ah, Dr. Wilder. What can I do for you?" He was already dressed to go home. His blue jeans and the black t-shirt made him quite handsome. Addison couldn't deny that and slowly putting down her doctor's coat she stared at him.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go for a drink or something." He didn't seem insecure at all. "All bright and shiny", like Meredith sometimes used to say. Thinking of Meredith Addison smiled.

"I take this as a yes?" Dr. Wilder slowly stepped closer.

"Ah..what...why…I mean. No."

"So you don't wanna have coffee with me?"

"No, that's not what I meant to say."

"Ah…so you DO wanna have some coffee?" He laughed.

"Okay. Let's start this over again." Addison didn't know what to say. It couldn't hurt to get to know the new surgeon but on the other hand she had the feeling that this just didn't seem right. And in addition she had planned a stressless and romantic evening with Meredith.

"I can't. I have to go home. We've already made plans. Maybe another time?" She looked him in the eye. His smile didn't vanish a bit.

"So I take you are seeing someone?"

She nodded.

"Okay, so, maybe another time. See you around. And you can call me James." With a wink he closed the door behind him.

"What the hell was that?" She still couldn't believe how easy and straight forward he had been. "That's something." Thinking at Meredith the smile came back and her eyes enlightened. There was so much she wanted to tell her.

------------------------

'Oh, oooh.' The sound of the incoming ICQ message nearly made Izzy jump off her seat.

_**DennyD:**__ Hello? Who are you?_

Izzie stared at the blinking screen. Having gone through a lot of Denny ICQ Numbers she had found one that fit quite well. Maybe it was him? Or maybe she was just too stupid to believe that he had the time to sit I front of the PC chatting with people. But still, there might be a chance.

_**LoveSnow: **__Hi! It's me, Izzy. _

_**DennyD:**__ Who? Should I know you?_

Damn. He wasn't the right one.

_**LoveSnow: **__Sorry. Wrong ICQ number. _

"Why am I such a coward?" Ranting over herself she shut down the laptop, grabbed her bag and left the room.

"Hi Izzy." Addison closed the entrance door.

"Hi." Still a little bit absent minded Izzie grabbed the coat. "Have to go to work. My shift starts in about half an hour."

"Yeah, I know. Is Meredith home?" Addison unbuttoned her jacket slowly. She was awfully tired.

"I don't know but I guess so. Have been in my room." Tying up her second shoe she headed for the door. The moment she reached for the door knob the door opened and out of breath Meredith stumbled in.

"Hi."

"Hi and bye. Have to go." Izzie closed the door behind her.

"What's happened, sweetie? You look like a ghost." Worried Addison wrapped her arms around Meredith.

Meredith inhaled Addison's scent. Hospital. "Just hold me tight." She closed her eyes and laid her head against Addison's shoulders. "Derek is coming over at nine."

"What?" Addison pulled away. "Why?" Letting Meredith stand in the hallway she paced into the kitchen.

"Addison, wait." Meredith quickly put off her jacket and followed her. "Let me at least explain before you get all mad."

"Okay. Tell me."

"He phoned about an hour ago. He said that he wanted to be a part of the child's life and that he wanted to discuss the situation with us." Meredith slowly sat down, feeling the nausea creeping up her chest. She looked at Addison who was still pacing up and down the kitchen, randomly opening and closing cupboards.

"But today is one of those rare evenings we can have together. Plus, there is so much we have to talk over."

"I know. But that's something we have to discuss too. I am not happy with it either but I guess we just have to deal with it." Rubbing her stomach she tried to calm down and ignore the nausea. Addison looked at her from askew. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, just a little bit nauseous." Feeling the heat spreading through her body she also put off her vest and leaned back. "I will be okay."

"You wanna have some water or Saltines?"

"We are out of them. I ate the last pack today. It was on my shopping list but then Derek called and so..." Uncomfortably she wriggled about on her chair. "Anyway. He's stopping by and we have to try to find a solution for all three of us."

"Four." Addison stepped close to Meredith and laid her hand protectivly at her belly. Smiling Meredith placed hers on top of it.

"I will try and do my best." She pulled Meredith up and in a tight hug, placing kisses all over her face.

"I love it when you do this." Meredith giggled.

"Hey, as long as Derek isn't here. Your birthday is coming up…"

"Uh, you didn't forget about it?" Meredith smiled.

"Why? Anyway. Today is the 5th and the next five days will be flying by. So, what do you want to do?"

"What day is it?"

Addison reached for the calender that was placed on the kitchen counter. "10th of November…let me seeee…ah, it's a Saturday. Wow…time is really flying by. 2008 is a good year to have a child, don't you think?"

Listening to Addison's outbursts of thoughts Meredith smiled.

---------------------------

Derek pulled up in the driveway, looking at the lit windows. He saw Meredith and Addison talking and gesturing in the kitchen. He checke the clock again. Too soon. Nervously he leaned forward to get a better look at the two women.

---------------------------

"And as a birthday surprise I …"

"Hey, don't tell me. I don't wanna know because then it won't be a surprise anymore."

Addison smiled and reached for Meredith's hand. "I know but this one I have to tell you. I talked to the chief and he managed to give us three free days in a row, starting on the 9th."

Meredith couldn't believer her ears. That was too good to be true. "Are you serious?"

"Yes, totally."

"Aaaah, that's great. Thank you sooooo much." Meredith flung her arms around Addison and started hopping and dancing around.

"So, what do you wanna do? It's your call." Addison smiled from one ear to the other. They would enjoy three wonderful days without worrying. Just the three of them.

"_Ding! Ding! Ding!" _

"Damn it. Is it already nine?" Checking the clock it showed a quarter to nine.

"Please promise me to not be mad, okay?" Meredith kissed Addison and headed to the door.


	43. Till the bitter end

_**THANK YOU ALL for your reviews. I really appreciate each and every single one of it. I will not abandon this story but I've been having a very busy and hard time and so it depends on my free time how far this story will progress. So please don't give up on it. **_

* * *

"Come in." Meredith gestured, trying to play calm. At the moment she just hated him. It wasn't fair and she knew it but he should vanish into thin air and never come back.

"Hello. Thanks for making this possible." Derek stepped in. "Did you tell Addison?"

"Yes, of course." Taking his coat and putting it on a hanger Meredith pointed to the kitchen. "She's in there."

"Hm." He nodded and followed her. Her hair was tousled and her shirt was hanging losely over her jeans. He had always loved that "after-work-look" on her and having all those memories come flushing back didn't help him feeling any calmer. The palms of his hands were sweating and his stomach felt like somebody had tied hundreds of knots into it.

"Hello Derek." Addison sat down at the table.

"Hello Addison."

"Please, sit." Meredith pointed at an empty chair. "Water, I guess?"

"Ah…yes…please." Addison didn't know what to say and both looking at Meredith neither of them said a word.

"You look good, Mer." Derek tried to break the ice.

"Ahm…thanks. Well…I am feeling a little bit better. The fatigue and nausea is slowly passing and I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will continue this way. "

Smiling she placed the glass in front of Derek and sat down next to Addison. If looks could kill she would've definitely dropped dead within the second. Derek noticed the sudden change in Addison and took a sip. Then another. Then another. Time seemed to stand still. The ticking of the clock was hardly bearable.

"So…" Meredith couldn't stand the silence anymore. "At the phone you said you had thought things over."

"Yes, I have. I've also talked to Mark and…"

"You are friends with him? Again?" Addison couldn't believe her ears. "And he KNOWS about this?" Furiously Addison shot up. That was too much.

"Ah…" Derek interrupted.

"You know what, Derek." Trying to hide the tears and throwing her arms in the air she paced up and down next to them. "I…I don't care what you have to say. I don't want you in our baby's life. I want you the hell out of here. Do you understand me? You have hurt us more than you can imagine and I don't even wanna discuss whose fault everything was. I know I am not an angel but I am tired of this." She slumped down at the kitchen chair, tears starting to running down her cheeks from exhaustion and anger. "And just so you know. The worst part of all: I care about you. I like you and I care about you and I wanted this to work out. But it doesn't seem right to me. It doesn't feel right."

Meredith stared at Addison in shock. She had never realised how much she had been hurting over the last few weeks.

Derek interrupted Addison's outburst of emotions. "But I am the father. I have the right to be a part of the baby's life. I didn't come here tonight to have another big fight. All I want to do is talk."

"I…I can't do this. Please, Meredith. Talk. Tell me what you have figured out. You know my point of view." With these words she got up and slowly walked out the kitchen.

"I am sorry. I will be back in a minute." Meredith got up quickly and ran after her. "Addi, sweety, wait."

Addison turned around. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying and her nose was running. Without any words Meredith pulled her close in a big comforting hug, feeling Addison's body shaking from exhaustion. "I am so sorry sweety but we have to talk this over with him."

"I can't. You do it." Addison wiped away some tears. "Please?"

Pushing a strand of red hair out of Addison's eyes, Meredith cupped her face with both hands and placed a light and gentle kiss on her lips. "Okay."

Back in the kitchen Derek didn't seem as if he had moved.

"So, I guess this leaves the two of us." Exhaling Meredith sat down opposite him.

"Okay. Listen. I don't wanna be here all night so just hear me out." Derek's face didn't show any sign of feelings. He was cold as a stone and Meredith just nodded.

"I thought about it for a really long time and I came to the conclusion that I want to be a part of that picture." He straightened in his chair. The talk didn't make him feel comfortable at all but looking at Meredith he knew she was with him.

"I am the baby's father and I don't wanna go to court or something like that. The only thing I want from you two is the right to visit and spend time with my son or daughter." That felt real. Damn, it was hard.

"Okay." Meredith knew that he had all the rights and she was thankful that he didn't want to make a big drama out of it. Still, she couldn't see him in the picture. Slowly she got up. Her stomach had started to churn again and slowly she walked to the kitchen counter to get some orange juice.

"What does that mean? Okay?" He eyed her pouring the juice into the glass. Her face was pale and her hand was rubbing her stomach in slow circular motions. "Are you okay?"

"I am fine." She forced a smile on her face and turned around. "What else can I say? I mean, I don't want to go to court and I want to have a quiet and peacful pregnancy. Or at least what's left of it."

"But what do you think about this? Don't you wanna have a father for your child? I mean. The baby will have two mommies and clearly, children need a father too." Upset he got up. His fingers ruffling through his already touseled hair didn't make him appear very convincing. "I just can't believe this."

"Derek. Honestly. I think it's great you wanna be a parent and that you wanna help and take care. It's just…I can't picture us as as a family with three parents. But as long as I have no choice I guess it will be that way."

"NO!! That's not what I want. I want you to WANT me be a part of that." He pointed at her belly.

"How can I want this? We have been on and off and on and off too many times." She didn't know what to say. Her mind told her to stay calm. To get this over with and find a solution everyone can live with. But it was just too damn hard. Thinking at Addison didn't make it any less horrible.

"So…this leaves me with what? Being a father but not really being welcome?" Derek hated the situation. He felt like somebody was ripping out his soul and heart. He cared enough about Meredith to be a part of this. He didn't want to be the father that walked away when it got difficult.

He stopped some feet in front of Meredith. "What do you suggest doing?"

"I want to have a good relationship with Addison. I love her. I want to have this baby with her and I want to raise it with her. I don't want you near us. That's what I want. But as you can see, that's not in the picture."

Derek stared at her. No, he didn't want to give up on this. Maybe he was stubborn. Remaining silent he stepped closer to the kitchen window.

"So what? What are we going to do?" Meredith stepped next to him, taking small sips from the juice.

"I guess you two still have to figure out things. The only thing I can suggest is to leave you alone till the baby is born. In the meanwhile you can talk to Addison and make up some rules." Leaving Meredith, who didn't know what to say or think, he briskly walked out of the kitchen into the hallway. He grabbed his coat and opened the door.

"Wait!" Meredith pushed the door closed. She smiled at him. Confused Derek stared at her, awaiting an explanation.

"Thanks. We will figure things out. The pregnancy is ours?"

"Hm." Derek nodded. He stared at Meredith's shirt under witch the trained eye could make out a little baby bump. "How far along are you?"

Meredith looked down herself and smiled. "14th week."

"Okay. So, bye I guess." He turned around to again open the door. His eyes were burning and feeling the tears well up in his eyes he quickly stepped out into the cold.

"Yeah, bye." Meredith wrapped her arms around her chest. It was freezing outside and only clad with her T-shirt she quickly closed the door. Exhausted and with a grin on her face she switched off all the lights and slowly made her way up to their bedroom.

---------------------------------

"Callie? There you are!" George exhaled in relief.

"I've been here all day. So, when do you start to find your own place?" Cold and without even looking at George she continued the updating of the charts.

"Callie. Please, listen to me. I didn't mean to hurt you and I…"

"Stop it. We are over. OVER! Do you hear me? I don't wanna play this game over and over again. So…please? Leave me alone."

He fumbled with his white coat. Being awfully nervous didn't make the whole situation better. George wanted Callie back so badly and having thought over his mistakes again and again he knew that there was no better woman out there. How could he've let that happened?

"I am sorry. I am really really sorry."

"No George." Callie turned around. With a triumphant smile she walked away. It was the best for both of them.

"So, this means I have to move out?" George shouted after her. Izzie, who had just closed the door of a patient, stared at him.

"George. Hi. What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's definitely over. I have to find a new appartment as quickly as possible." Fighting his anger he smiled at her. "How is it going with Denny?"

"Nothing. I am a coward. Hey, wait a second. What about the two of us moving in together? With Addison and Meredith being together I don't feel too comfortable interrupting their private life constantly."

George looked at Izzy as if she was Santa and the Easter Bunny at once. "Izz. Do you mean it?"

She gave it a quick thought but what's to think about it? They still were best friends and needed each other more than ever. "Ya, sure. I'll talk to Mer and Addi tomorrow morning."

Beaming George flung his arms around her, causing some nurses to stare.

"People, MOVE! Stevens, O'Malley. Go to work and get your hands off each other." Bailey's voice made them jump and quickly they parted.

--------------------------------------------

Meredith tipptoed into the bedroom. "Addison?"

"Hm? You can switch on the lights. I am just lying here….thinking." The muffled voice came from beneath the covers.

"Okay." Meredith reached for the light switch. "Derek is gone."

"I heard." Addison shifted and rolled onto her back. Her face still showed the unmistakable signs of crying. A lot of crying. Quickly Meredith stripped off her pants and shirt and only clad in her panties she crawled under the covers. Addison pulled back. It felt like somebody had just stuck two buckets of ice between her legs. "Mer, you are freezing. Don't you at least wanna put on a shirt or something?"

"No. I want to feel you as close as I can." Meredith answered sleepily.

Addison sighed and laid an arm around Meredith.

"So, what terms did you arrange?" Slowly Addison's fingers graced over Meredith's naked arm and back.

"Hm…that feels soooo good." Closing her eyes Meredith relaxed under the loving and gentle touch.

"Hey. No time for sleeping!" She lightly poked her into her sides.

Slowly Meredith turned around to face Addison. "We came to the solution that he won't bother us throughout the pregnancy but that he definitely wanted to be a part of the childs life. We agreed on that and also that we would think about the time after the baby is born."

Addison rolled away. That was not the solution she wanted to hear. "So this means we are still stuck with him? Great!" Angry she closed her eyes. Meredith didn't know what to say. Slowly she snuk closer to Addison and pressed her chest against Addison's back. "I am sorry sweety." She whispered into her ear. "I am so sorry."

"Me too."

-------------------------------------

Derek opened the door to his trailer. There was no one waiting for him. Why should someone be there anyway? The busy doctor whose only profession seemed to be messing up was not worth loving at all. Not turning on the lights he silently closed the door behind him. His head was spinning. Pictures of the talk were still swirling around and making him curse.

"Shit, shit, shit."

He hit his fist hard against the cupboard and Meredith's picture came tumbling down. With a loud crash It fell into a thousand pieces. Ignoring it he stepped over the splinters. She hadn't said now so far. He could never go to court. He didn't want to hurt her.

"I am still in the picture. Maybe they'll come around." Derek turned on the lights. Blinking to getting used to the sudden brightness he sat down at the table. "What am I even doing here?" Giving the picture on the floor a short glance he jumped up. He grabbed his purse and keys and without even closing his trailer he sprinted to the car. The feeling of helplesness made him choke.

"I've got to get out of here." He didn't bother about the late hour. He didn't bother about the fact that he had to go to an audition the next morning. The only feeling left was to run. To run away from everything.

He didn't know where he was going. The speedometer in his car was showing no sign of stopping. It went higher and higher and with every won mp/h he felt more rage and more anger boiling up. He reached for the radio to put on some music and after about an hour of maniac driving and listening do deafening music he suddenly knew what to do. His heart was pounding in his throat. His knuckles where white from holding on to the stirring wheel.

"I am the problem. Without me, nobody would have a problem. Nobody will be hurt. Nobody will be missing me."

He was clear about his decision. One quick pull at the stirring wheel and everything could be over in a second. Suddelny he had time. He had all the time on earth. He felt light and calm. Listening to the radio he continued his driving. He knew that he would never come back from this trip and wanting to enjoy this feeling he sang along.

"What a coincidence." Turning up the volume he listened to, what he thought would be, his last song on earth. It fit perfectly.

_Nobody knows, nobody knows but me that I sometimes cry_  
_If I could pretend that I'm asleep when my tears start to fall_  
_I peek out from behind these walls_  
_I think nobody knows nobody knows, no_

_Nobody likes, nobody likes to lose their inner voice_  
_The one I used to hear before my life made a choice_  
_But I think nobody knows, no no_  
_Nobody knows, no..._

He gave the wheel a quick pull to the right and off he went from the road. The moment the car started to spin everything went black.


	44. Everything changes

Beep, beep, beep!

"Your pager." Without opening her eyes Meredith nudged Addison who was still fast asleep.

Beep, beep, beep!

"Damn it! That's mine." Meredith had the feeling that she had just gone to sleep. A short glance at the clock told her that she was right. Two in the morning. What the hell had happened?

Beep, beep, beep!

Addison's eyes fluttered open and slowly the sounds around her started to make sense. She reached for the nightstand to grab her pager. 911.

"Mer, I've got a.."

"911." Meredith finished for her. "I've got one too. Come on."

Cursing both of them started to dress as fast as they could. Meredith was surprised how good she actually felt. "Are you ready?" Keys and bag in her hand she was watching Addison kneeling on the floor.

"Yes, as soon as I'll find the second sock." Reaching under the bed she pulled out a fluffy sock. "I really need to clean. Look at that. That's supposed to be white and clean. Now it looks more like a black sheep."

Meredith giggled at Addison's comparison. "Yeah, my turn anyway. Come on. We've gotta go."

Astonished at Meredith's new found energy Addison headed after her, running down the stairs and jumping into the car. Speeding through empty streets Meredith was overcome by a rush of joy. She felt just great and peaceful. Maybe it was the Adrenaline that had kicked in after the 911 call. Whatever it had caused this it was a welcome change. With a big smile she reached for Addison's hand. "How are you holding up?"

Surprised Addison looked into Meredith's laughing face. "I am fine. What the hell did you take? Are you high? I can't even keep my eyes open." A yawn escaped her mouth as if she had to underline the just said.

* * *

"Wentworth, Fisher and Grey. You go, prepare OR 3. The chief will give you the exact instructions."

"Dr. Bailey, what can I do? Where do you need me?" Overexcited Christina came flying down the corridor. Her shoes still in her hand and she was already prepared for the worst. After a moment of hesitation Dr. Bailey decided to send her after the three interns. "Help them prep the OR."

Tying her shoe laces Christina glanced up at Bailey in disbelief. "I should do what? I am surly more qualified than..."

"YANG! GO!" Dr. Bailey had more important stuff to do than discussing treatments of a 911 case with an over-eager resident. Upset and grumpy Christina went after the three interns. "How should I ever become a professional doctor?" Lucky that Dr. Bailey didn't hear her rant anymore. Going over her chart again she saw Addison and Meredith arrive. Why where they here? Who had paged them?

"Miranda. What happened?" Out of breath Addison leant against the wall right next to her, closely followed by Meredith.

"You got the 911 too?" Distracted Bailey stared down the corridor. They shouldn't be here. Startled they looked at each other. What was going on? What had happened? "Yes, we got the 911. What's wrong?"

The door right next to them flew open and Dr. Webber hurried towards them. "I...ah, chief. Three interns and Yang are already down in OR 3." Only nodding a short thanks he rushed by.

"What the hell has happened?"

"Meredith. I am sorry. You shouldn't have gotten that message and neither should you." She looked directly into Addison's eyes. "It's Derek. They just found him."

A piercing hot sensation shot through Meredith's body. "Derek? What?" She felt Addison's hand on her shoulders. He had only left their house about six hours ago. What could've possibly happened? Staring at Dr. Bailey she listened to her short explanation. Despite all the hate she had felt for him she would've never actually wanted him hurt or. No, she couldn't even finish the thought.

"He had a terrible car accident. The ambulance will be here any minute now. As far as we know he has bad head injuries and some fractures. Right now he's stable but..."

"But?" Addison couldn't believe her ears.

Beep, beep, beep!

A quick look at her pager told Bailey that the ambulance had arrived. "Stay where you are. Relatives and friends are not allowed. You know the rules." Pacing down the corridor she turned in direction of the emergency entrance.

"I can help!" Meredith whispered. Her eyes glistening with tears she slowly sat down. Addison didn't know what to say. Despite all the hate she felt for Derek she could not imagine not having him around. Slowly she walked up and down in front of Meredith who was still in shock.

"I am not family anymore. I could be down there. What if..?" Meredith stared at her pager as if this was a way to convincing it to call her to the OR too.

"Shht. No 'what ifs." Addison sat down next to her and gently laid her arm around Meredith's shoulders. "The chief is an extraordinary surgeon. Let's have some faith."

"How can you be so calm?" Annoyed Meredith pushed Addison's arm away. "I wanna help. I wanna do something. We are DOCTORS!" She almost shouted the last sentence. Feeling powerless didn't make her any calmer.

"I know. You really think that I don't want to be down there and actually be helpful?" Angry Addison got up again. She looked around her. Some night nurses were walking from room to room, chatting, drinking coffee, doing their work. Addison actually liked the more quiet nights but right now the silence nearly killed her. Looking down at Meredith, who was still staring at her pager, a smile hushed over her face. Her hair was tied up in a pony tail and the lines of worry in her face made her real. No make-up, no trying to be perfect, just being herself.

"What are you looking at?" Moody Meredith had recognized the glances of appraisal.

"Nothing. You wanna go down to the cafeteria to get some tea? I could need a strong coffee."

Nodding but still grumpy Meredith slowly got up. There was nothing to do here anyway. "Ouch." She startled. Her hand immediately went to her stomach.

"What's happened?" Addison rushed to her side, looking into Meredith's pain twisted face. "Where does it hurt?"

"Here." She pointed at her lower belly. "It's not much but it's uncomfortable."

Not thinking twice Addison grabbed her hand. "Come on. Let's have a quick look." She tried to be calm but as an OB/GYN she knew way too many things that could go wrong at this stage of pregnancy.

"But it's already over. I feel nothing. Gone." Relieved Meredith exhaled. Still rubbing her belly she walked next to Addison, whose hands were tightly squeezing hers.

"Still. As long as we are here we can make sure everything is fine."

* * *

At the same time at the emergency entrance Dr. Bailey opened the doors of the incoming ambulance. Fear in her eyes she looked at the man in front of her. This should be Dr. Shepherd? Taking a closer look she recognized his dark hair. It was smeared with blood, grass and small stones. Two fearful eyes looked at her.

"You are going to be just fine. Dr. Webber will take good care of you."

They heaved the gurney out of the ambulance and as soon as it hit the ground he got wheeled into the hospital. "OR 3!" Bailey shouted after the team. Taking a deep breath she closed the doors of the ambulance and ran after them. Every pair of hands would be needed in there.

"See? I told you. Everything is just fine." Meredith was looking at the monitor in front of her. At nearly 15 weeks the fetus already looked like a real baby. "Addison? What's the matter? You just said that everything is progressing normally."

"Nothing." Quickly Addison wiped away some tears. "You were right. Looks perfect." She reached for some paper towels and wiped away the gel.

"Addison?" Meredith slowly pulled herself in an upright position. "What's the matter?"

"I was worried and now seeing the baby and everything." Another tear escaped the corner of her eye.

"Oh, come here." Lovingly Meredith pulled her in a tight embrace. "You don't have to be that strong and confident all the time. I like the real Addison. The real one makes me smile and love and even have a baby. Not my style. Ask Der..."

At the mentioning of Derek's name, the two women fell silent. Remaining in their loving hug, both of their thoughts were wandering to him.

"Still up for some coffee?" Meredith was the first to break the embrace, looking into a pair of gorgeous green eyes. "Your eyes amaze me. One minute they seem to be blue and the next one they are green."

Laughing Addison winked. "You never know what you get. I am a big surprise package."

More cheerful and pushing away all distracting thoughts they slowly walked in direction of the cafeteria. "I wish I could drink some coffee too." Meredith sighed. She gently stroked over her belly. "But I knooooow I shouldn't."

"Oh, you could drink decaf."

"I want some real coffee. Not the one that's just trying to be one. And what are YOU staring at?" Meredith hissed at a nurse who has been staring at them.

The night-nurse was taken aback. "Ah..I..." She stuttered and blushing she turned around.

"Oi, you are in a mood."

"I just don't like people staring at us constantly. I am starting to feel like a monkey in a zoo." Smiling Addison just reached for Meredith's hand. "Ignore it. They will always stare and talk."

* * *

"I don't know." Dr. Webber scrubbed his hands under the running water. Bailey looked at him with a very concerned look. "The OP went very well."  
"How long till we know if he will make it?" She leaned against the sink and studied the chief from aside. His face was not relaxed like she had seen it after many many other operations. There was something in his look that concerned her.

"His injuries are really bad. I had to put him into an artificial coma. His body wouldn't take those heavy injuries." Again he turned on the water faucet.

"Should I tell Meredith?"

The chief thought for a brief moment about the situation. She was carrying his child so she had a right to know. "Yes." He nodded. "Tell her." He pulled off his cap, put it into the pocket of his scrubs and slowly waked by Dr. Bailey.

* * *

"Meredith, here you are." Dr. Bailey quickened her moves and rushed to the two women who were cuddled up on the couch in the waiting area. Meredith's head was resting on Addison's chest. Miranda stopped right next the them. What a peaceful picture. For some seconds she let her eyes wander. Addison's arms were holding Meredith close. She didn't want to be the one to deliver the devastating news. She didn't want to be the one to make them worry even more.

"Miranda?" Addison blinked. Slowly she started to shift. A quick glance at Meredith told her that she was still fast asleep. "What happened?" She whispered.

Dr. Bailey sat down right next to them. "It's Derek. He's out of surgery. But.."

"Derek?" Meredith awoke by the sound of his name. Disheveled and still kind of blurry-eyed she looked up. She couldn't feel her left arm and the rest of her body was stiff from the unusual and not very cozy sleeping position.

"Good morning." Addison gently stroked over her head, pulling some strands of hair off her face. Quickly they parted and after some seconds both were able to listen to Bailey's status report.

"Good morning Meredith." Dr. Bailey smiled at her but that smile told her, that something was not right.

"I just came out of the OR. Dr. Webber did I real good job on Derek." She hesitated. It was so hard looking at Meredith who was clinging to her lips.

"What about him? How did it go? Is he...is he.."

"He's alive. But.."

"But?" Meredith hadn't known that she still cared that much about him. She felt Addison's hand on hers, soothingly stroking it.

"But he was injured really bad. So Dr. Webber had to put him into an artificial coma. His body would not be able to deal with all the pain and internal injuries."

Neither of them knew how to react. Meredith leant back, still staring into Bailey's dark brown eyes. He was alive.

"Can we see him?" Addison asked immediately. Meredith just nodded. She definitely wanted to see him too.

"Not today. He's at the intensive care unit and a high risk patient. But I will let you know as soon as it's okay." She was releaved that they had taken the news so well.

After Bailey had left Meredith glanced at Addison with a concerned look. "Now our problems nearly feel stupid, don't they?" She looked down her scrubs, trying to hide the tears that were already forming in her eyes. "I never wanted it to end like this. It happened because of me. He was so mad when he left."

"Meredith! Don't be stupid. We don't even know what has caused the accident."

* * *

"Derek? At the intensive car unit?" The news were spreading faster than sound waves. It was the main topic nearly everybody seemed to care and talk about. Only Lexie, who had been assisting during the entire procedure, was unusually quiet.

"Hey." Meredith placed her lunch tray next to her. "Can I?" She pointed at the empty stools.

"Hm." Lexie nodded and continued staring into her salad.

"Are you okay?"

Again she nodded. It was the first time since she had set foot in this hospital that she couldn't leave the pictures of an operation in the OR. She had never really cared about Dr. Shepherd but still, it was not the same as if some random guy had lain there. She took a quick look at Meredith, who was slowly eating her soup.

"How are you holding up?" Meredith, deep in thoughts of her own, was startled by the sudden question.  
"Thanks, I am fine. And you?" She hated small talk. It was just annoying to ask and answer silly standard questions and a waste of time too.

"Fine, thanks." This was not what she wanted to hear but maybe her half-sister was not in the mood for talking. She wanted to tell her so much. About the operation and how scared she had been. But Meredith seemed to not care at all. In silence she finished lunch.

Meredith had already finished her soup and with a big yawn she leant back in her chair, her hands comfortably resting on her slightly visible belly. Lexie smiled at her warmly.

"How's the baby doing?"  
"What?" Meredith had never thought about it.

"How are you feeling? Is everything alright?" Lexie really wanted to get to know her better. Maybe this was her chance. Every pregnant woman liked to talk about her baby.

"I'm fine. Why are you asking?" So far Meredith haven't had the chance to get to know Lexie and those questions started to make her feel uncomfortable. She had never really thought about the baby and how it would feel. The only importance had been her well being.

"I just wanted to know. Sorry if it bothers you that much." Lexie reached for her tray.

"No, it's okay. Please, stay. It's just, I've never really been asked that question so far." Meredith smiled at her.

"Oh. Okay. How far along are you?"

"15th week."

"Ah, I remember. The first time I felt somehow human again."

Meredith was surprised to hear that Lexie had a kid. "You have one? How old?"

"I've three." A loud laugh escaped Lexie's mouth. "They are staying with my mum while I am at work. They are two, four and a half and six."

"Wow, I didn't know." Meredith suddenly felt stupid. She had always assumed that Lexie was the small and dumb one who couldn't take care of herself.

"We never got the chance to talk."


	45. Unexpected turns

**After nearly two and a half years of absence I started to read the story again and I decided that I really really have to bring it to an end. I don't know if anybody is still reading this story or is even interested in it but I'll continue anyway. **

**In these past two years a lot has changed in my life. I am a mother of a nearly 2 year old son and I hope that this experience will make me a better writer concerning the pregnancy stuff. :-)**

* * *

"You are right." Meredith suddenly felt like an idiot. How could she just have assumed that Lexie had no life experience? "I am so sorry and to be honest, I don't know what to say." She looked down at her tray. The energy she had felt some hours ago had vanished and she felt more exhausted than she ever had. If that even was possible.

The sudden change in Meredith's behavior didn't go unnoticed by Lexie. She knew exactly what her half-sister was going through and despite all the harsh words that she had had to deal with so far she still wanted to get to know Meredith. "Don't worry. You couldn't have possibly known. We never got a chance to talk and we clearly got off on the wrong foot."  
Meredith gave Lexie a faint smile and started to eat her noodle soup. Her stomach was growling and lovingly she ran her hand over her belly, not minding that Lexie was watching her. All the drama had to come to an end. There was no way she could deal with all the exhaustion any longer. All her life she had been trying to avoid feelings. She was the perfect robot but her walls came tumbling down. And brick by brick, stone by stone her human and vulnerable side started to show. Meredith felt as if a big big weight was lifted off her chest. Her past as an ever working and functioning robot was over. Was she scared? Of course. Was she happy? Of course.

"Are you married?"

Lexie looked up from her lunch. "Do you mean me?"

Meredith just nodded, curious on what the answer would be.

"No, but I am in a relationship. We have thought about marrying but I guess there was never the right moment to really go through with it. I don't even know if I wanna get married..." Lexie stopped in mid sentence. She blushed and quickly added. "Typical me. Rambling on and on."

Meredith smiled. "I wouldn't have asked if I wouldn't have wanted to know."

They fell silent again but they both felt like there was something new in the air. Maybe having a half-sister was not that bad after all.

"There you are!" Addison came running towards them, nearly knocking a lunch tray out of a nurse's hands. "I've been looking all over for you." She came to an abrupt halt next to Meredith, who was just finishing her lunch. "Do you have a minute?" Without awaiting an answer she pulled Meredith to her feet.  
"Sorry, Lexie! We'll talk again." Meredith managed to shout to Lexie. "What's going on, Addi?

"Derek. He's very critical." Addison didn't slow down and Meredith had to try hard to keep up with her.

What was happening? Some hours ago everything was stable. Puzzled and scared she finally stood in front of the ICU. The known hospital routine kicked in and they both quickly changed into aseptic scrubs. Meredith was still shaking but had no time to ask any more questions. They both stepped into Derek's room and at his sight Meredith choked up. He was hooked to so many machines that it was hard to even recognize him. Addison was watching her and took one of her hands into hers. Meredith squeezed it hard and then stepped towards the bed. Two doctors were standing right next to Derek, watching the two women enter the room.

"Hello Dr. Grey, Dr. Montgomery. Thanks for coming on such short notice." They looked very concerned.

"What's happening?" Meredith asked with fear in her voice.

"Dr. Shepherd's state is very critical. Despite being in an artificial coma, his body seems to have troubles dealing with all the injuries. His heart rate has been slowing down over the last two hours and we are not sure if he'll make it." The doctor paused and looked at the monitor right next to him. "As you can see, his oxygen saturation is way beneath the limit too."

Meredith gulped. All their differences seemed so stupid and immature compared to the drama that was unfolding in front of them. "Why...why did you call for us?"

"He has listed you as his emergency person. Didn't you know?"

"No." She stepped right next to Derek and reached for his hand. Addison remained where she was and the two doctors left the room. "We'll give you some privacy."

Meredith stared down at Derek. No, that was not what she had wished for. "Did I do that?" With fear in her eyes she looked at Addison.

"Do what?" Addison rushed to her side.

"This...everything." She pointed at the machines.

"Oh sweetie. How on earth can you think about this?" Shocked Addison pulled her close. She felt Meredith's trembling body.

"Because...I...wished that he was no longer in our lives." She pulled back from Addison and reached for Derek's hand again.

"No, you are not. How can you think like that? You don't even know what has happened!" Addison slowly put her arm around Meredith's waist. They both stood there in silence for what seemed an eternity. From time to time Meredith's gaze wandered to the monitors above her head, hoping and praying that the numbers would increase. They didn't.

"I have to go to the bathroom but I'll be back in no time." Addison whispered.

"Okay."

Meredith was alone. She thought about her short conversation with Lexie, how good she actually had felt. But, despite all efforts drama always seemed to find her. She sighed and stepped closer to the bed. Derek's left hand was the only part of his body that was not hooked to a machine. She looked at it for a while. Then she suddenly pulled up her scrubs, exposing her small baby belly. She took Derek's hand and slowly laid it on her stomach. It felt strange but right. Maybe he could sense that there was someone he had to fight for. She smiled looking down at her exposed belly.

Addison was watching the scene unfold in front of her from outside the room. Smiling she looked at Meredith. She was radiating such peace and confidence and Addison's heart was full of love and admiration for this woman. She didn't mind that Derek "touched" her, on the contrary, she could totally understand Meredith's actions. Trying to make no sound at all she re-entered the room.

"I'm back." Addison approached her girlfriend from behind and wrapped her arms around Meredith's waist, her hands resting on each side of her stomach.

"I thought it might help." Meredith whispered apologetically.

"Good idea." Addison buried her face in Meredith's hair.

They both left the ICU three hours later. Derek's over all state had improved slightly but he was still very critical. Over the next few days Meredith and Addison came to visit him every day and every day they hoped that the doctors would have better news than the day before.

-

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Meredith, happy birthday to you!" Carrying a big birthday cake, Addison slowly entered their bedroom. Meredith slowly opened her eyes, pulling herself up in a sitting position.

"Is it already the 10th?" Groggy she watched Addison setting the cake down at her nightstand.

"Make a wish, sweetie!"

"First I need a birthday kiss and THEN I can make a wish." Meredith pouted, grinning mischievously.

"You'll get 38 kisses. One for each year." Without any warning Addison threw herself next to her and showered her with kisses."

"Stop it, stop it!" Meredith laughed and tried to escape Addison's strong hug.

"No way you are leaving this bed with less than 38 kisses. 21, 22..." Meredith stopped resisting and watched her work her way down to her belly.

"Hello, you, in there. Here are some special kisses for you too. 29, 30, 31,..." Addison stopped and looked into Meredith's eyes. "You are really starting to show."

"Are you crazy, woman? One moment you tell me how much you love me and the next you are telling me how fat I'm getting? Thanks a lot." She tried to keep a straight face but Addison's expression of guilt was too funny to continue the game.

"You...you..." Addison pinned Mer's arms down above her head and positioned herself on her upper legs. "1, 2, 3,..." She started kissing again but this time in all the spots that tickled the most. "That's for trying to fool me."

Meredith couldn't stop laughing and after nearly choking of not getting enough air Addison let go of her. "Now you have to make a wish!"

Meredith turned to her cake to blow out the candles. "They are all burned down. But I'll make a wish anyway."

She closed her eyes and thought very hard. "Got one!" She smiled. "Now, where's my present?"


	46. Opening Presents

_**Wow, there are still people out there reading. I was very surprised and I am super excited. Thanks so much for reviewing. **_

_**There was one question concerning Derek and Mark. What if Derek dies? Will Mark step up? - Very good question. I haven't thought about it so far but let's see what happens with Derek :-)**_

* * *

"Close your eyes." Addison smiled mischievously. She reached for Meredith's hands and guided them to her eyes. "Stay till and don't look."

"Addi, I was just kidding. All I want and need is you. You and our little one." Saying these words and looking down at her stomach, a happy smile spread across her face.

"Little liar. I know ho much you love surprises!" Ignoring the just said, Addison slid down the bed and went out into the hallway to gather the presents. "Cover your eyes!" she once again shouted.

Addison had been preparing this day for quite a while now and looking forward to finally giving Meredith her presents she whistled cheerfully.  
"Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy..." Addison carefully pushed open the door, trying not to lose balance and scattering all the presents and the cake on the floor. "...birthday, my love Meeeeeeredith."

Meredith giggled, eyes still closed.

"Happy birthday to you!" Addison stopped in front of the bed. "Hey, you can open your eyes now!"

Meredith didn't need a second invitation to do so. Her view fell on Addison who was holding three neatly wrapped gifts.

"Oh wow." Meredith beamed, reaching for the presents.

Addison smiled. She loved seeing Meredith happy. It has taken them quite some time to come to that place.

"Come closer!" Meredith's voice brought Addison's attention back to the present and she jumped back into bed.

"Open them."

Meredith slowly reached for the green one. "You are really a gifted wrapper. My gifts always look like somebody had already sat on them." Her fingers pulled of the yellow ribbon and the paper, revealing a white box. Addison sat next to Meredith, staring at her face to see every tiny reaction. Would she like it?

"Awwwwwwwww!" A squeal of delight broke the silence. Meredith was holding a tiny little onsie in her hands. Tiny little scrubs. "Where did you get these?" Meredith laid them carefully in front of her and immediately wrapped her arms around Addison, who beamed with pride of having found a perfect gift.

"That's my little secret."

"I just LOVE those. Can you imagine such a tiny little person?" She paused. "Silly me. Of course you can. You are constantly working with them."

Addison just nodded and smiled.

"Let's see. What's this?" She reached for a very small red box. There was no paper around it. It looked like a ring box but..Meredith stopped. No, that could not be. What if Addison was asking her to marry her? Was that even legal around here? What am I going to say? That's way too fast and..

"Mer? Everything okay?"

"Ah, yes, sure." She snapped back into the present. "I, I think I'm gonna open this one first. " She laid back the red box and reached for the yellow envelope. Trying to find back into her cheerful birthday mood she pulled out a card with what looked like a whirlpool and some flower arrangements.

"I hope you like it." Meredith's mood change hadn't gone unnoticed by Addison.

"I LOVE it! A weekend at a five star spa for just the two of us?! Oh my god, when?" Meredith was in awe. Her busy work schedules didn't leave much time for just the two of them.

"I booked over Christmas. 22nd till the 26th of December. This way.."

"..we can spend our first Christmas as a family. Oh thank you so so much!" Tears in her eyes Meredith finished Addison's sentence and leaned over to enjoy a very much needed hug. "Oh, I can't wait. Today's the 10th of November. Oh wow, not very long. Wait, what about our work schedules?"

"Everything okay. I already organized everything. The only thing you have to do is enjoy and relax." Addison passionately stroked over Meredith's long hair. "I can't wait either."

"Oh my god. Look at the time. It's almost 11 a.m. My shift starts at 12." Meredith glanced at her alarm clock at the night stand.

"Stupid work. Mine starts at 2 p.m."

Like on cue both of their pagers started to beep. Forgotten was the little red box, still waiting to be opened.

"Ah shit. Derek." Both jumped off the bed, nearly falling over their own feet, hastily trying to put on their clothes.

Meredith was already on her way to the car when she noticed that Addison was not behind her. "Addie, where are you?" She was just about to open the door when Addison came running down the stairs, tousled hair and her jeans still unbuttoned. "How on earth are you that fast?"

"Why are you NOT? Where were you?"

"Had to grab this." She opened her hand and there it was again. The red little box. "We will open it as soon as there's time."

Meredith just nodded, feeling the uneasy sensation creeping back.

* * *

"What's happening? You paged?" Meredith was out of breath. She was not athletic at all and the pregnancy gave her the rest.

"Derek's over all status has taken a turn for the worse. As we speak he's being prepped for surgery. The swelling in his brain has been increasing and due to this additional pressure he was about to go into heart and brain failure." Bailey answered Meredith's question immediately. "I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do for the two of you?"

Addison, who was standing right next to Meredith, shook her head, took Meredith's hand and guided her into the waiting area. It was the area where families waited for news on surgeries, where good and bad, great and devastating news were told. It was one thing delivering the news but a whole other to be on the receiving side.

Addison reached into her pocket and pulled out the little red box. "I think it's a very good moment to open it."

Bewildered Meredith looked up. How on earth could THIS be the perfect moment for opening birthday presents?

"Are you sure this is the right place and time?" Awkward Meredith turned towards Addison who was sitting right next to her.

"I am sure as can be."

Meredith slowly reached for the small box and pulled it open. Her eyes started to water and she immediately closed it.

"Meredith, what, why?" Shocked about this reaction she laid both arms around Meredith and pulled her close.

"Thanks." Meredith felt stupid. Tears were flowing down her cheeks. "I have those pregnancy hormones. Make you cry even when you don't want to."

"Are you sure these are hormonal tears?" Addison whispered, pulling her into a comforting hug. The scent of lavender and the taste of salty tears mixed, letting her feel even closer to Meredith than she was in that moment.

"I don't know." Meredith pulled back and reopened the box. Inside was a tiny little red heart. The words on it read - "I will always be on your side"


End file.
